Subway cell phone torture. Thanks NYC. What’s next?

482191_432760076799922_808122176_nJust great! Now with the recent announcement from the city that the subway platforms will be outfitted for cell phone reception we will lose our precious few minutes of the day for some relative peace and quiet. It’s one thing to deal with the occasional dolt who gets in the way while walking and not paying attention when chatting away on the phone. I can’t wait until we hear these morons yelling out “can you hear me now?” while getting in the way of entering or exiting the trains. I can see these idiots holding the train doors open as they desperately try to finish their calls. Yeah, the last thing I want to hear are stupid conversations below ground when waiting for the subway in the morning, and groggy with my cup of coffee. Get ready for the fights to begin! At least it’s just on West side for now, then Queens next year, and the East side where I live will be last from what I read. Thank goodness. I can just imagine what will be the next things allowed in the subway system as the MTA and NYC tries to generate more revenue. What will these brainthrusts come up with next?

Pancake Stands

Select subway lines will be outfitted with rolling pancake carts. You craving a chocolate chop pancake? Blueberry with whipped cream?  This one will work great on the L train subway stops heading back into hipsterville Williamsburg.

prince-pancakes-650x382

Sex Shop Kiosks

Hey, many people are looking to hook up, and with books like 50 Shades of Grey so popular this might work. Craving that certain sex toy or lube while heading home with that drunk hookup you are mauling on the subway platform? Look no further. Open 24/7. Just practice safe sex and grab a pack of flavored condoms before jumping on the train.

Self Serve Laundromats

Why not? Sometimes with the long waits between trains during the morning rush there might be a few who are doing the “walk of shame” and need their clothes washed before heading back to work. For a nominal fee hospital gowns with the message “I got some!” on them will be supplied to those while waiting for their clothes to get finished.

Quik-E-Mart Dentists Outposts

You have a tooth killing you that needs to be pulled? Need some quick dental surgery? Have no fear as these professionals (?) on hand will have you in and out of that chair before the next train arrives, and before the novocaine even takes effect. Calling Dr Killpatient! Ok, now spit!

tumblr_lufc0mrL5M1r3pu2jo1_r1_500

Bacon Kitchens

Who doesn’t love bacon? We can eat it all all times of the day. Also, the aroma of bacon frying on the subway platforms will be a huge upgrade over some of the smells normally found down there. Especially during the hot summer. Place these next to the churro stand ladies and we have a feast!

Trampoline Classes

Some people are of the more athletic and adventurous kind. They get impatient waiting around for the next train and need something to burn off all that energy. Lessons and fitness classes can be set up right on the platforms. Save for the occasional member that bounces into the path of an oncoming train this might work. Just be aware of the “splatter zone”.

fail-trampoline

Platform Clubbing 

Set up the velvet ropes and make sure you’re on the guest list to get into these private dance clubs hidden along choice subway stops throughout the city. Top name DJ’s will be spinning the tunes, and strict policies will be enforced. Anyone causing trouble will be thrown by bouncers into the nasty puddles that somehow accumulate by the tracks. Also, since the MTA gouges us already be prepared for exorbitant cover charges and expensive watered down drinks.

Starbucks Six Feet Under

Why not? They seem to be everywhere else in the city, so why not build mini Starbucks locations on every subway platform. The wifi and cell phone reception will be right there. This way the wifi hogs will have even more spots to plant their asses and annoy us as they sit there all day sipping that one cup of coffee they purchased while we fight for the few seats they have.

starbucks-willy-wonka-meme

I am kind of afraid that someone from the city planning office will actually read this and decide to move forward with some of these. The city of New York is always looking for new ways to generate income, while the MTA is always finding other ways to nickel and dime us to death. Seems like every nook and cranny of NYC is being used for some sort of advertising or gentrification, so the subways and tunnels underground seem like the next frontier to exploit. With record ridership they do have a captive audience. Yet, I will draw the line on “MTA Platform Proctology” as I feel we have been bent over enough with all the fare increases and service cuts lately!

you-dawg-i-herd-you-like-subways-so-i-put-a-train-in-your-train-so-you-can-take-the-subway-while-you-take-the-subway

 

So, what ideas can you see popping up and allowed on the subway platforms in the not too distant future?

32 thoughts on “Subway cell phone torture. Thanks NYC. What’s next?”

  1. You mean the subway’s don’t currently have cell phone reception in NYC – I am so disappointed! I’d have serious withdrawal symptoms if I used the subway there.
    Lanthie Ransom recently posted…Jet SettingMy Profile

    1. I agree! With the constant stories about sexual assaults on the subway, it makes me feel slightly safer that I’ll have a signal on the platform. Whether it actually reduces crime will have to wait to be seen.

      I’m not that worried about the morons. They’re already on their phones searching for a signal. Maybe it’ll be better once they actually have one.
      Jill Pinnella Corso recently posted…Five Annoying Things About ProducingMy Profile

  2. I have to admit that I love the bacon idea 🙂 I’m surprised that they don’t have Starbucks, having grown up in Seattle they seem to be literally everywhere. The funny thing is that I love smaller coffee shops and have never liked the taste (or price) of Starbucks coffee 🙂 I can only imagine how annoying people will be with the wifi, none of us these days seems to be able to go more than two seconds without our cell phone. There was a woman at target today talking on her phone will using the bathroom!
    Foodie in WV recently posted…Guest Post: Food Strangers Who Become Food FriendsMy Profile

  3. As crazy as these may sound, we both know there is someone…maybe 2 people in that City Planning office who would put them on the table for consideration. I feel your pain with the cell phone thing, it’s beyond annoying and honestly, unless you’re solving world peace….it can f’n wait!
    Lisa recently posted…The Sound of SilenceMy Profile

  4. I **do** like the idea of a bacon outfit…even a Starbucks. Heck, why **not** a sex shop? See…this is where the MTA fails. Have a stand opened on the subway level, we have POS terminals and hand held Square registers, why not have a place where you can hang out while waiting for a train (especially that dang A/C/E line late at night). MTA could generate revenue through rental space.

    But since we’re technically not supposed to bring beverages on the trains, maybe a portable sex shop works better, for the quick-lube (PUN intended) so you won’t have to make an additional stop on the way home.

    Phil, I think we have a money maker here.

  5. Not for nothing, but I’d actually love a Starbucks in the subway, lol. Not sure if it’s practical, but I bet you any money that it would make major bank! We need to do like they do in Japan and have sandwich carts and whatnot. They don’t have them in the subways but the nicer trains, sort of our equivalent to Metro north. On a somewhat related note, remember the girl who made headlines last year for eating spaghetti on the train?

  6. I agree with how annoying it will become if people can use their mobile (cell) phones on the NYC transport system. Sadly Emirates already allow mobile phone calls on some flights and it is just a matter of time.

    Your suggestion of self service laundry is not far removed from the truth, just look at what a company called Photo Me International are rolling out around Europe.

    As for changes I would suggest a Subway on the Subway. Well, we’ve all got to eat sometime 🙂
    The Guy recently posted…How To Look After Your Finances Whilst Abroad – Spending MoneyMy Profile

  7. It’s no better over here in Europe. I took a train ride and there was a young woman yacking on her cell phone throughout the entire half-hour journey. Then she got up to leave at her station and ended her call by saying: “Okay, just arrived. See you in five minutes.” LMAO! Why didn’t she just wait until she was there in person to have the conversation???
    If anything happens like in Stephen King’s Cell – so many people are in trouble!
    John Walker recently posted…Petition to save the honey beesMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge