Just great! Now with the recent announcement from the city that the subway platforms will be outfitted for cell phone reception we will lose our precious few minutes of the day for some relative peace and quiet. It’s one thing to deal with the occasional dolt who gets in the way while walking and not paying attention when chatting away on the phone. I can’t wait until we hear these morons yelling out “can you hear me now?” while getting in the way of entering or exiting the trains. I can see these idiots holding the train doors open as they desperately try to finish their calls. Yeah, the last thing I want to hear are stupid conversations below ground when waiting for the subway in the morning, and groggy with my cup of coffee. Get ready for the fights to begin! At least it’s just on West side for now, then Queens next year, and the East side where I live will be last from what I read. Thank goodness. I can just imagine what will be the next things allowed in the subway system as the MTA and NYC tries to generate more revenue. What will these brainthrusts come up with next?
Select subway lines will be outfitted with rolling pancake carts. You craving a chocolate chop pancake? Blueberry with whipped cream? This one will work great on the L train subway stops heading back into hipsterville Williamsburg.
Sex Shop Kiosks
Hey, many people are looking to hook up, and with books like 50 Shades of Grey so popular this might work. Craving that certain sex toy or lube while heading home with that drunk hookup you are mauling on the subway platform? Look no further. Open 24/7. Just practice safe sex and grab a pack of flavored condoms before jumping on the train.
Self Serve Laundromats
Why not? Sometimes with the long waits between trains during the morning rush there might be a few who are doing the “walk of shame” and need their clothes washed before heading back to work. For a nominal fee hospital gowns with the message “I got some!” on them will be supplied to those while waiting for their clothes to get finished.
Quik-E-Mart Dentists Outposts
You have a tooth killing you that needs to be pulled? Need some quick dental surgery? Have no fear as these professionals (?) on hand will have you in and out of that chair before the next train arrives, and before the novocaine even takes effect. Calling Dr Killpatient! Ok, now spit!
Who doesn’t love bacon? We can eat it all all times of the day. Also, the aroma of bacon frying on the subway platforms will be a huge upgrade over some of the smells normally found down there. Especially during the hot summer. Place these next to the churro stand ladies and we have a feast!
Some people are of the more athletic and adventurous kind. They get impatient waiting around for the next train and need something to burn off all that energy. Lessons and fitness classes can be set up right on the platforms. Save for the occasional member that bounces into the path of an oncoming train this might work. Just be aware of the “splatter zone”.
Set up the velvet ropes and make sure you’re on the guest list to get into these private dance clubs hidden along choice subway stops throughout the city. Top name DJ’s will be spinning the tunes, and strict policies will be enforced. Anyone causing trouble will be thrown by bouncers into the nasty puddles that somehow accumulate by the tracks. Also, since the MTA gouges us already be prepared for exorbitant cover charges and expensive watered down drinks.
Starbucks Six Feet Under
Why not? They seem to be everywhere else in the city, so why not build mini Starbucks locations on every subway platform. The wifi and cell phone reception will be right there. This way the wifi hogs will have even more spots to plant their asses and annoy us as they sit there all day sipping that one cup of coffee they purchased while we fight for the few seats they have.
I am kind of afraid that someone from the city planning office will actually read this and decide to move forward with some of these. The city of New York is always looking for new ways to generate income, while the MTA is always finding other ways to nickel and dime us to death. Seems like every nook and cranny of NYC is being used for some sort of advertising or gentrification, so the subways and tunnels underground seem like the next frontier to exploit. With record ridership they do have a captive audience. Yet, I will draw the line on “MTA Platform Proctology” as I feel we have been bent over enough with all the fare increases and service cuts lately!
So, what ideas can you see popping up and allowed on the subway platforms in the not too distant future?