As many of you following my blog probably know I was away on vacation last week. Traveled down to the “Scary Land” known as Florida. Yup, the state where most of the weird news and happenings seem to come from that populate my Facebook news feed. The territory of Cracker Barrel, Denny’s, and Waffle House. It’s like redneck nirvana down there. A place where the drivers are horrible. Where blue hairs roam the land like zombies, and Billy Bobs with big guts, mullets, and bigger belt buckles dominate the landscape. I swear a passport should be required to go into and out of Florida. This strange populace is lorded over by the man, um rat, himself – Mickey Mouse. Of course, no trip to the Orlando area would be complete without a pilgrimage to the Magic Kindom and Disney World parks! Yes, I do admit that I still love the Disney parks. I’m just a big kid, and will always be one. The rides, the characters, the food, the movies, the shows, all still enthrall me. My family has a terrific timeshare about a mile from the front gate of the parks that we have had forever, and spending time with the parental units at Disney World is always fun.
Yet, as I get a bit older I am losing patience with the things that some of the idiots from around the country, and world, seem to do when here. I think it’s time for a Disney rant! Here is a short list of things that makes me want to punch someone in the throat!
1 – Parents that can’t, or refuse, to control their spawn. Ok, I get it, kids will be kids. It’s a long day at the parks, and can get hot and sweaty. Kids get cranky and tired. Those I can deal with. It’s the parents that won’t even try to calm their unruly kids down or take them outside when in full screaming meltdown mode that irks me. It’s your child – deal with it. Don’t make the rest of us suffer. I’m here to have fun too. Sorry your spawn from Hell is ruining your Disney experience. Don’t ruin mine. Have a magical day!
2 – Cutting the lines. Why do some people think they are above the rest of us waiting on long lines and attempt to merge into the line ahead of us when it begins moving? They act like the rest of the line does not exist behind them. Get your asses to the back and wait like the rest of us!
3 – People that hold a spot on line. It doesn’t bother me when someone right ahead of me is on line and another person joins them, but when all of a sudden another ten people show up and makes my wait to get on a ride even longer it makes my blood boil! Again, get your asses to the back of the line with your brood!
4 – Those that don’t wash their hands after taking a pee or dump. Really? This is basic hygiene 101. You just know that every part of that park has some sort of nasty bacteria or feces on it. Every ride and railing you touch. Everything. Ebola! Can people just be a bit more sanitary? In fact, I notice it’s the adults that are slacking, as the kids I saw in the bathrooms were good about washing up. Big Bubba Daddy just walked out of a stall after a massive crap and didn’t wash his hands. Thank goodness for hand sanitizer!
5 – People that litter. There are garbage cans everywhere in the parks. Considering the thousands of people visiting a day here it does amaze me at how clean and manicured the paths, walkways, and garden areas are. It’s very impressive. I’d say 99% of those visiting Disney World are good about using trash cans. It’s the 1% that I see dropping food wrappers, cups, or bottles on the ground and not picking them up that makes me want to shove a turkey leg up their asses!
6 – People that can’t wait their turn. They see that the ride will only seat two normal sized people. Why do some insist on squeezing in and make the experience totally uncomfortable, and awkward, for all of us when they could just wait a few minutes for the next one? I notice this more with Europeans at the parks as they have a hard time understanding what “personal space” is to us Americans. Just relax and wait for the next car. You’ll get on the ride without sitting on my lap!
7 – Those that keep running into me with baby carriages. Hey, I know it’s crowded here and can be hard to maneuver that mega-sized baby carriage the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, but at least say “excuse me” after chop blocking me at the knees or cutting me down at the ankles with it. If you’re going to run me down at least be considerate about it!
8 – People that refuse to use deodorant. It’s Florida. It’s hot at the parks even in October. It’s sweaty. For some it can get a bit ripe so to speak. Would it kill you to apply a little extra body spray or deodorant to help kill the nasty B.O. that is eminating from your pores? How about a shower? I almost passed out just on the monorail standing next to a few of you on the way to the park. Pee – yew!
9 – No flash photography means NO! What is so hard about this one simple request? Certain rides do not lend itself to flash photography. Put down the cameras and cell phones for five minutes and enjoy the damn ride or 3-D movie! Stop blinding me with your camera. It’s supposed to be dark in here. Now I see sun spots. My eyes!
10 – Have fun dammit! Stop arguing with your kids. Fighting with your spouses. Complaining about the long lines and all the money you are spending. It’s supposed to be that way as it’s Disney World! Might as well have some fun, enjoy, and escape into the fantasy that are the Disney parks. Heck, it costs a small fortune to vacation here so have fun or else! What’s that second mortgage anyway, or new car mean to you? Just hand the Rat your credit cards on the way in. Resistance is futile.
Ever been to the Disney parks in Florida, California, or abroad? Anything I missed here? Who else deserves a throat punch?