It’s that time of year again. We all know someone, and perhaps even ourselves, who make those foolish New Year’s resolutions that never seem to really pan out. A gallant and well meaning attempt usually crashes and burns into ashes and the smell of despair. I for one do not make any resolutions. If I make up my mind to do something it doesn’t matter what time of year it is as I just do it. If I decide that I want to eat less bacon, or drink less beer, then that will happen. Wait, what? Bwahahahahaha! That ain’t happening! Anyhoo, I thought it would be a good idea to assign resolutions to others here in the NYC area as some of these people really need to make some major changes. They can either take my advice or remain as the annoying dregs of society we all deem them to be.
1 – To the inconsiderate jackwipe who won’t pick up their dog crap. My resolution suggestion to them would be to eat it like a burrito every time you don’t curb your damn dog! We are all tired of stepping into your sidewalk patties and ruining our day because you’re too lazy to bend over and place it in a plastic bag. Really, I want to scoop it up and shove it into your mouth. Mmm Mmm Good! Yummers! Taste The Rainbow! Swallow dipshit!
2 – To the subway “It’s Showtime!” guys. My resolution to them would be to never say those words again while having us trapped in a subway car. In fact, just stop dancing because if you kick me you might have your boom box shoved so far up your crack the music would be heard coming out of your nostrils. No one wants to be held captive to this “So You Think You Can Dance” abuse. Just stop. You’re really not that good. Obnoxious is more like it.
3 – To the tourists. My resolution for them would be to stay home. There is nothing to see here! It’s just crazily large buildings, amazing food, wonderful culture, terrific bars, historic sites, top notch entertainment, all kinds of shopping and businesses, along with five boroughs of unparalleled diversity. Why do you all want to keep coming here? You’re just in our way. Stay home!
4 – To those joining my gym. My resolution to these folks would be to just stay home on the couch with your bag of Doritos. Let’s be real. You’ll never go, well, some will but after three months 99% will just quit. The gym industry banks on that fact. If and when you do go you just get in our way since you have no clue what you’re doing, and refuse to use a personal trainer to help you learn the ropes. Start your workout programs later on without adhering to the New Year’s resolution pressure. You actually might stick with it. In the meantime, I want to smack some of you upside the head with a dumbbell when you overcrowd my gym Jan – March and I see you do stupid stuff. Oy vey! Get off my machine!
5 – To those who follow every trend in sight. My resolution advice for them would be to give it up! Enough with the dumb overplayed lumberjack hipster look, waiting on line hours for a cronut, growing a beard that looks ridiculous on most, skinny jeans on guys, Uggs (especially on men), eating foods that are deconstructed, joining the herd to protest just to look cool even though you’re clueless about the facts, wearing ripped up jeans (hello – we did this fad in the 80’s already), wearing those goofy Beats headphones everywhere, listening to mediocre pop/rap music, Frozen (enuff said), pumpkin spice everything in the Fall, reading about Kimye and her idiotic family, and the list goes on and on. Stop the madness already!
6 – For the helicopter parents who think their kids “are all that”. My resolution to them would be to STFU already! Really, just stop. No more, as the rest of us don’t care about your kids. Sure, it’s fine to be proud of them when they accomplish something special and mention it once or twice. We’re happy you’re being a good parent and raising great kids. It’s when we are bombarded with constant Facebook and Twitter kid updates, what your kid did brought up in every social setting and conversation, holiday cards made with pictures of your kids, selfies sent to us with your kids in them. Your kids, kids, kids kids! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! What? You’re pregnant again? Oh no…….
In ending, I just want to wish you all a very happy, fun, and safe New Years Eve. Go out and party hard, but try not to projectile vomit too much. If you decide to stay in then more power to you. Save the puking for the boozy brunch on New Years Day! I know I am. Oh boy!
Here’s to 2015!
I bet the ball is not the only thing to drop tonight in The Big Apple.
Happy New Year, Phil!
Hey Fearless!
Hope you had a terrific New Years! Here’s to more dumbassery in 2015!
Yes, well I’m still going to visit New York City. I’ll text you a photo of my grandson and me enjoying the early fireworks in Philly tonight. Have a very Happy New Year Phil. Wishing you all the best of health, happiness, and success in the year ahead!
Hey Peggy!
Hope you had a wonderful New Years! Here’s to a terrific 2015!
Well, I’ll go along with most of those, but if you find a way to keep the tourists at bay, let me know. Although, unfortunately, I’m a tourist sometimes, so . . . .
I do like that philosophy that everyone should just stay home; stay off the streets and out of the gyms and the stores. Stay home with your wonderful, totally amazing, kids.
Okay, now that that’s out of my system, happy new year my no-resolution-making-New-York-blog-buddy-Phil! I hope it’s a good one for you.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Hey Patricia!
My only resolution is to live life to the fullest! Happy New Year to you and yours!
Phil, yikes on those skinny jeans on dudes, HA!
Perhaps a European cat or 2 can pull that look off but even then, it’s pushing it.
I’m in NJ these days – for like a month – but would go nowhere near the city tonight. Too many fun things to do 😉
Fun post, and Happy New Year’s!
Ryan
Hey Ryan!
Thanks for dropping by and commenting! Much appreciated!
Glad you enjoyed my rant! Happy New Year! Here’s to a smashing 2015!
Have a safe New Year’s Eve Phil and a wondrous 2015. I won’t be giving up bacon, but I will be spending more time at the gym…with the resolution crowd.
Hey Mary!
Well, the more bacon you eat the more gym time needed! Happy New Year!
Sending you all my best wishes for 2015, Phil!. Happy New Year!. Aquileana 😀
Hey Aquileana!
Hope you had a terrific New Year! Here’s to a healthy and successful 2015!
Oh Phil, these are hilarious!! Everything we wish we could say and more. I can’t pick a favorite but the tourist one is up there. Have a safe and fantastic night, mi amigo!! 🙂 🙂
Hey Brickhouse!
Glad you laughed to start off 2015! Happy New Year!
Maybe you’re on to something here…..I think you are just what people need. The laziness of society has created a job for you. You can be an official resolution writer for those asses who just can’t seem to do it themselves. Just follow or listen to someone for a few hours and BAM I’m sure you’ll have all sorts of suggestions.
Couldn’t agree more with your list!
Have a Happy Healthy and Prosperous 2015!
Hey 4fourgeorges!
LOL! I don’t think anyone of them would follow through on my resolutions for them! I might get attacked like villagers after Frankenstein!
Hope you and yours had a great New Years!
Happy New Year!!!!
Hey Emily!
Hope you and the pups had a wonderful New Years!
Lol I bet that those tourists reading your post are like “hey wait, that’s us… But I don’t wanna stay home…”!! Oh dear! 😀 Happy New Year, Phil!
Hey Christy!
We do have a love/hate thing going on with the toursists here! It’s all good. Just stay outta my way!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year! May your 2015 be without hipsters, tourists and Facebook kids:):)
Hey Mitzie!
That would be asking a lot! Hahaha! Happy New Year!
Get ready for this tourist in July, my friend. BlogHer calls 😉 I’m gonna have to find some of this amazing food you speak of.
And not to worry…I haven’t used my gym membership in 6 months…no reason to use it now 😉
Happy New Year! I hope 2015 is fabulous for you!
Hey Chrissy!
If in NYC let me know and I’ll send some of my top suggestions over. Be prepared to drink!
Wishing you and yours a happy and healthy 2015!
3 – To the tourists. My resolution for them would be to stay home.
Stop trying to keep New York all to yourself, darling 🙂 xxx
Hey Kim!
This New Yorker can only try, but alas there are too many tourists to keep out. Sigh. 🙂
Happy New Year!
I’ve never made resolutions, either. I set a few goals and hope to do them, but they are more for life rather than resolutions. I did the gym thing much. I lasted longer than three months, but I’m not a gym guy. So I don’t do that. I have to do things on my own or not at all.
I have no idea about those subway people. And people who don’t pick up their pooches poo should have to have it spread all over their belongings!
Happy New Year!
Hey PJ!
No need for resolutions – just do it as the saying goes! No need to wait until the new year when the present time is best!
Happy New Year! Wishing you a healthy 2015!
It’s a always a pleasure reading you Phil. Sometimes I have to stop the giggling on the train. I live in Germany so it’s imperative that you’re quiet. It’s forbidden to show too much emotion. That would be common, but how can I help it when I read such quipps as “There is nothing to see here! It’s just crazily large buildings, amazing food, wonderful culture, terrific bars, historic sites, top notch entertainment, all kinds of shopping and businesses, along with five boroughs of unparalleled diversity. Why do you all want to keep coming here? You’re just in our way. Stay home!” I mean, I’m in stiches my good man and I can’t wait for more, in 2015!
Hey Victoria!
So pleased that I make you look like a laughing idiot in public! My job is done! 🙂
Love your blog too. Can’t wait to visit Germany one day. Happy New Year!
Thanks Phil. We’ll be waiting!