Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays from NYC Bad Santa!


Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Santa made his appointed rounds last night and here we are at another NYC Christmas. He committed breaking and entering and snuck in while you were all sleeping to deposit who knows what in your households. Rummaging through your panty drawers. Oh, don’t mind that thing floating in your toilet. Consider it a “personal” gift from the jolly fat man himself. He might also have a few thousand illegitimate little elves running around the house by this time next year. Good luck getting him on the Maury show as Santa only “comes” one a year. Hey, his magical Viagra is quite potent and maybe hanging that mistletoe in your doorway might not have been a good idea in hindsight. Santa needs a little extra oomph to get him through a long evening of gift giving!

Now that it’s Christmas morning we can all look forward to a house full of joy and merriment. The horrendous trips to the mall are over. Shopping alongside hordes of unruly people, and zombies, are done. Kids running around screaming and tearing into presents. Mom and dad fighting over the presents they gave each other, or didn’t.  The family members near and far that you can’t tolerate arriving and making a mess of your place, along with emptying out your liquor cabinet. You get stuck cooking for everyone. The bathroom gets bombed and the john overflows. Fa la la la la – shoot me now.


It’s all good though as it’s the big day – Christmas! Time to rejoice and spend time with friends and loved ones. Trapped in one place with them. All. Day. Long. Good thing for booze, beer, wine, and alcohol. Nothing makes the day go down easier than a few bottles of pain killers and cocktails. Just don’t drink and drive people. Better to vomit on yourself and pass out on the living room floor than get behind the wheel of a car. Oh, the fanciful holiday pictures that will make it into the family album of Uncle Herschel face down in the dog’s water dish with puke covered Christmas bows adorned on his body by the nieces and nephews. Annoying holiday music playing in the background. Such a joyous gathering!


That all being said it’s part of the package on this big day. Old Saint Nick has done his duty for another year. He can now relax and go on vacation for another twelve months. Lay on a beach with Mrs Claus and get a tan while sipping away on a tropical drink with a colorful umbrella in it. I just wish he wasn’t into those nude beaches. Really, his penchent for naked sunbathing is a bit terrifying. Santa! My eyes!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!



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