It’s that time of year again. We all know someone, and perhaps even ourselves, who make those foolish New Year’s resolutions that never seem to really pan out. A gallant and well meaning attempt usually crashes and burns into ashes and the smell of despair. I for one do not make any resolutions. If I make up my mind to do something it doesn’t matter what time of year it is as I just do it. If I decide that I want to eat less bacon, or drink less beer, then that will happen. Wait, what? Bwahahahahaha! That ain’t happening! Anyhoo, I thought it would be a good idea to assign resolutions to others here in the NYC area as some of these people really need to make some major changes. They can either take my advice or remain as the annoying dregs of society we all deem them to be.
1 – To the inconsiderate jackwipe who won’t pick up their dog crap. My resolution suggestion to them would be to eat it like a burrito every time you don’t curb your damn dog! We are all tired of stepping into your sidewalk patties and ruining our day because you’re too lazy to bend over and place it in a plastic bag. Really, I want to scoop it up and shove it into your mouth. Mmm Mmm Good! Yummers! Taste The Rainbow! Swallow dipshit!
2 – To the subway “It’s Showtime!” guys. My resolution to them would be to never say those words again while having us trapped in a subway car. In fact, just stop dancing because if you kick me you might have your boom box shoved so far up your crack the music would be heard coming out of your nostrils. No one wants to be held captive to this “So You Think You Can Dance” abuse. Just stop. You’re really not that good. Obnoxious is more like it.
3 – To the tourists. My resolution for them would be to stay home. There is nothing to see here! It’s just crazily large buildings, amazing food, wonderful culture, terrific bars, historic sites, top notch entertainment, all kinds of shopping and businesses, along with five boroughs of unparalleled diversity. Why do you all want to keep coming here? You’re just in our way. Stay home!
4 – To those joining my gym. My resolution to these folks would be to just stay home on the couch with your bag of Doritos. Let’s be real. You’ll never go, well, some will but after three months 99% will just quit. The gym industry banks on that fact. If and when you do go you just get in our way since you have no clue what you’re doing, and refuse to use a personal trainer to help you learn the ropes. Start your workout programs later on without adhering to the New Year’s resolution pressure. You actually might stick with it. In the meantime, I want to smack some of you upside the head with a dumbbell when you overcrowd my gym Jan – March and I see you do stupid stuff. Oy vey! Get off my machine!
5 – To those who follow every trend in sight. My resolution advice for them would be to give it up! Enough with the dumb overplayed lumberjack hipster look, waiting on line hours for a cronut, growing a beard that looks ridiculous on most, skinny jeans on guys, Uggs (especially on men), eating foods that are deconstructed, joining the herd to protest just to look cool even though you’re clueless about the facts, wearing ripped up jeans (hello – we did this fad in the 80’s already), wearing those goofy Beats headphones everywhere, listening to mediocre pop/rap music, Frozen (enuff said), pumpkin spice everything in the Fall, reading about Kimye and her idiotic family, and the list goes on and on. Stop the madness already!
6 – For the helicopter parents who think their kids “are all that”. My resolution to them would be to STFU already! Really, just stop. No more, as the rest of us don’t care about your kids. Sure, it’s fine to be proud of them when they accomplish something special and mention it once or twice. We’re happy you’re being a good parent and raising great kids. It’s when we are bombarded with constant Facebook and Twitter kid updates, what your kid did brought up in every social setting and conversation, holiday cards made with pictures of your kids, selfies sent to us with your kids in them. Your kids, kids, kids kids! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! What? You’re pregnant again? Oh no…….
In ending, I just want to wish you all a very happy, fun, and safe New Years Eve. Go out and party hard, but try not to projectile vomit too much. If you decide to stay in then more power to you. Save the puking for the boozy brunch on New Years Day! I know I am. Oh boy!
Here’s to 2015!