Moist Balls! I don’t think anybody saw that coming!


Well, the past few months have been quite a change for me. I don’t think many people saw that coming. Not even myself!

Who the heck would have thought that I would make a major life change such as abstaining from red meats, chicken, pork, and most booze. All the things that give me the warm fuzzies. Well, as for the booze let’s just say I cut back significantly, but ain’t no way I’m giving up a tasty cold brew now and then. Especially with warm swampass weather already hitting NYC.

Oh yeah, what the heck is Mother Nature doing? Not only do we get her bi-polar ass messing with the whole Winter, then screwing up our Spring when it seemed like the ice age was making a comeback, but now she is subjecting us to premature SWAMPASS heat! Sorry, but it’s not supposed to be close to 90 degrees in May! Well, there goes my electric bill. The air conditioning in our apartment has been working overtime already. I like to sleep in comfortable sub-arctic conditions. If I can see my breath in the air while laying in bed I’m a happy boy! Just throw on a comforter and a blanket and wrap yourself in. Boom. Like one giant pink naked “pig in a blanket”. (Damn, I miss eating those.)

No one wants to have moist balls. MOIST BALLS. Yes, MOIST. Yeah, I said it. That WORD. (I know how so many people hate that word.) Good, now you all have the image of my balls being moist in your mind. You’re welcome. Moist.

Back to back 5K races May 14/15. Queens to Brooklyn. Lots of fun.

Anyhoo, as many of you know I have been on a resurgent health kick since my fat bloated ass was seen running in the Cupid’s Undie Run for charity back on Valentine’s weekend a few months ago. After that event I needed a major lifestyle change. Less than two years removed from running and completing a Tough Mudder and here I was a sloppy mess. I cleaned up my nutrition. Went with a seafood and veggie based diet, low carb, and cut out all the junk. Plus, I added a running regimen to go along with my weight training in the gym.

Now let’s make this perfectly clear. Running is something that I am not a huge fan of. It’s basically a sport invented by Satan himself to torture those of us who do it, and actually kind of hate it. Pizza on the couch and TV or running? Going to the movies or running? Happy hour or running? Taking a good dump or running? Doing anything other than running? I’m sure you get my drift. I have a love/hate thing now going on with running. I have already entered and run in four 5K races so far this year, with another three more I have signed up for. When I go out running nowadays it’s always for at least three miles each time. At least 3X a week. I hate myself when doing it at the start, but when I get going I also get into it. I drift away listening to my tunes and get that runners high. I even get angry at myself if my time is not up to par with my last run. I’m so lame.

I’m addicted to earning that hardware now. Dammit!

That Satan is an evil bitch doing this to me. I’m getting hooked on a sport I hated. I still hate it. Maybe. I don’t know anymore. It’s like being in that effed up high school relationship you had with the crazy chick/dude that kept breaking up with you but you kept going back to. You know it’s so wrong but feels so right, and dirty, at the same time. Like a freaking crack addict I think I might be hooked. I loathe it but here I am thinking about when to schedule my next training run. Heck, at least I have run a few of these 5K’s for charity so I feel like I accomplished some good giving back. (Thanks to all out there who have donated.)

Love. Hate. Love. Hate. WTF am I feeling???

Another good thing that has come out of this is that my cooking skills have improved. I can pretty much cook any kind of fish now, and season it to taste good. Even my gal, who hates fish, likes some of it now as she is trapped eating the same diet with me. I have been trying to experiment with different kinds of fresh fish but damn this gets to be an expensive eating habit. No wonder fast food is so cheap, because nutritionally it’s crap. Also, sometimes our apartment does smell like an aquarium, or fish market on a warm day down by Canal Street. Ewwwwww. Thankful for Febreze!

So much seafood, so little time. The kid can cook. A bit. It’s edible.

Not going to complain after dropping 20 pounds and feeling a lot healthier, and physically fit. The only bad thing is that I have to go clothes shopping soon and get a new wardrobe. I’m the type of guy that will wear things until they fall apart. Yet, I am due for new clothes. I do draw the line at worn out Swiss cheese looking underwear though. I keep my underwear game tight. No guy wants moist floppy balls hanging through their underwear.


Again, you’re welcome.

16 thoughts on “Moist Balls! I don’t think anybody saw that coming!”

  1. I can’t breathe, MOIST BALLS. I am a runner of Marathons but I soooo get the hatred for it. I think I must be a masochist. …. This is fantastically funny.

    1. Hey Darla!

      So glad you got a laugh out of my MOIST BALLS!

      Yes, running is a love/hate thing. Why the hell do we do it? Maybe because after the torture I like to get that shiny medal. Maybe I’m also a masochist. Maybe I enjoy MOIST BALLS!

    1. Hey Barb!

      You’re welcome! Just think about what it was like last night when I went running during this warm muggy NYC weather we are having here right now. MOIST and FLOPPY!

  2. I’m on the same track as you, except for the “love” of running. I’m having more of a one night stand feeling with it, but I’m trying.
    Eating clean, with benefits is the way to go. It’s incredible how much better you can feel and let’s not forget about that energy boost. (That fish looks fab)
    I’m down 20.5 with 15 to go….the struggle is real!!
    I joined Orange Theory, which is an insane workout. Yesterday my eyes were sweating. I know because my contacts were literally floating.
    Run like the wind Bullseye!!!

    1. Hey Lisa!

      Nice job sticking with it and the weight loss! The running has been a key part of the plan for me. Even though some nights I just want to watch TV on the couch I drag my ass out and do it. It’s all about motivation and sticking with the plan over the long run.

  3. I may never watch another marathon . . . in my life. I don’t think I can do it now without wondering, you know, about moisture levels.


    Go for it Phil. I love reading about your running goals. I’d love to do the marathon one day, but I love watching it live, and patting people on the head, and clapping, much much more!

Feel free to comment! We all have opinions!