One of the things that most men dread, and some women too, its shopping for clothes. It’s a necessary evil, and one that I do not like at all anymore. I actually did not mind hitting the shops to pick up some gear for my bod back in the past. I was a bit of a clothes whore. That was when things actually fit me the right way. Before my body changed a bit. Before I moved into NYC and caught the foodie bug and became a gluttonous beast. I mean, let’s get real here, one of the reasons so many of us live in a cosmopolitan fantasyland like the city I reside in is that fact that there is pretty much every fattening and delicious food on the planet here. Amazing restaurants. Ethnic diversity of meals. Food stands on almost every corner. Food trucks parked on the streets. Temptation is everywhere. Everything freaking delivers! Massive Gastronomica!
Sure, as many of us get older we gain a few pounds around the midsection. A few more inches packed on the waistlines. Maybe some such as myself keep working out not just to keep in shape, but to also be able to burn off all the massive calories we consume eating things like Shake Shack burgers and Big Gay Ice Cream treats. NYC is an evil bitch like that. She lures you in and stuffs you silly, then laughs in your face when you try to zip up those jeans. You think you’re actually going to get some from her, then all she does is loosen your belt a notch and friendzones your fat ass. Do you think we actually enjoy running miles out on the streets, parks, or on the treadmills every other day? Sweating our butts off lifting things up and putting them down in the gym? Not really. I do enjoy my gym sessions and lifting weights, but the running sucks. It’s needed though if I don’t want to start shopping in the Big & Tall Hindenburg section of Macy’s. I’m sure as hell not going to wear sweatpants everywhere. Or stop eating. Elastic expando-pants? Hellz No!
Also, what the heck happened to clothing sizes nowadays? I could swear that the fashion industry is giving all of us normal or larger sized folks a big “Fuck You” lately. Everywhere I go it seems as if everything is “slim fit” or cut so ridiculously narrow that they are made for people built like stick figures. A guy like me who works out just can’t find a comfortable and proper fitting blazer, dress shirt, pants, or suit anymore without spending a small fortune on alterations. Everything across the upper body, shoulders, and arms are way too tight. Fat guy in a little coat! (RIP Chris Farley). It’s insane! Maybe that “skinny jean” and “European cut” crap goes over well for men with builds like a little girl, but for a normal to bigger sized dude with real arms, waists, and shoulders it’s like being trapped in a torture device. Have the designers seen the actual size of us AMURRICANS lately? Sure, we know our country has gotten larger and many people are overweight nowadays, but even healthy regular sized people can’t fit into these effing clothes! Stop the insanity!
Also, what the heck is it with guys wearing Spanx now? I have seen commercials for men’s versions of this. The undershirt and tank top versions. Who the heck wants to wear what amounts to being a man-girdle all day? No no no! Not me. Guess I’ll never be shopping at H&M or wearing skinny jeans. I’m heading to Vegas next week on biz and had to go shopping for some dress pants and jackets the other day. Hated every minute of it. I really needed a wordrobe upgrade anyway. Everything I own is getting old and out of date. I’m the type of guy that will wear things until they fall apart. Even though I do enjoy looking good and wearing nice duds. It’s just the fact that over time I have become disgusted shopping for them. I need to hit Powerball and hire a personal shopper and style consultant. Oh well, time to suck it up and spend a day in the stores. Spend some cash and fill up the closet. No Spanx! Then go out to eat!
Is it just me, or does everyone go through this now when clothes shopping? Let me know what you think. Do you like to shop for clothes or is it like sticking needles in your eyes?