Hey NYC parents – your spawn are not my problem!

Just be warned in case you ask me to watch your kid......
Just be warned in case you ask me to watch your kid……

Did she just really ask me to watch her spawn from Hell? Now, I am a responsible kind of fellow, and maybe I have that composure of which people seem to trust me for some reason. Yet, here I am baffled as to why someone would entrust a complete stranger with their DNA which plopped out from between their legs in a moment of excruciating agony. Hey, that was your choice lady, not mine. I am childfree by choice, and live a totally fulfilling life, thank you very much. The last thing I want to do is watch your crying, screaming, annoying child while you head to the bathroom to take a dump. Now don’t get me wrong, as I don’t hate childen, no really, but I am just not parent material. People constantly tell me and my gal that I look like I’d make a great dad. Bwahahahahaha! Yeah, this guy who still likes to go out drinking too much, partying too hard, and lives life on a whim. Sorry, I just don’t want to be trapped and looking miserable as I see so many parents here in NYC are. You know the type. They are pushing an oversized baby carriage, or carrying around their kid in a sack on their chest like an albatross around their necks. That forlorn look of despair in their eyes with a silent cry for help as they desperately seek an escape from the eternal situation they got themselves into. As I view these people I can only wonder if they rue the day they discarded their freedom in a moment of breeding frenzy. All it takes is a minute of ejactulatory bliss in exchange for twenty years of a parental jail sentence. Awww heck no. Sorry, it’s just not for me.


I’m not blind, or stupid, as I do know there are many people who absolutely love their kids, and are happy parents. They live for it, and I might add, some are very good at it. We need exceptional parents to raise great kids who will contribute to society. They will be our future leaders, God help us all. Yet, there are times when I want to strangle those parents such as this one today who wanted to leave their child in my care. To begin with it’s a rainy crappy day out here in NYC. Why are you dragging your little kid out in this weather to my local cafe so early in the morning? So you can sit here with your fellow momsters and chat over coffee while your mini-monster is yelling, running around, and terrorizing all those around who want a quiet peaceful moment to drink their coffee and recover from last evening’s hangover? Now you’re here with your kid alone who has now turned into a cranky terror and we are all looking at you with daggers in our eyes and thinking evil things we want to do to you both. It’s 10:30 in the morning! Can’t you stay home and have coffee while your demon breed torments you in the privacy of your own domain? Why do some parents insist on bringing their kids out to these spots when time and time again they know the inevitable breakdown will occur. Isn’t there a Chuck E Cheese you should be at? A Pizza Hut? McDonald’s? Somewhere, anywhere, away from the rest of us that all you tortured souls can congregate to and share stories of your anguish and pain? No one said parenting was easy. I have seen it with my nieces and nephews. I’m the uncle that instigates and riles the kids up, then goes home with a smirk on my face knowing I did my job well. At times I do feel bad for some of these parents, but not all that often. It was their choice! Sorry, not sorry!


Now back to this numnutz who asked me to watch her kid while she went potty. Of course it starts crying. It’s also been caughing and some sort of snot fluid is running down it’s nose. Momster tells it to stop crying and wipes it’s face with a tissue. She assures all of us around them that it’s just allergies and not bubonic plague. Meanwhile, we are all dying inside with fear of catching a cold or the flu from this little human petri dish. Something inside tells me to run as part of a survival instinct that has been ingrained in us since cavemen times. Yet, I don’t know why I agreed to watch it as she went and did her business in the bathroom. Maybe because I have a good heart under all this cold jaded NYC exterior I have developed after all my years here. She looked frazzled and dad was nowhere in sight. She needed a moment of relief. I bit the bullet as it sat across from me.


As I tried to make small talk with it the kid was still crying and blubbering a bit. I looked down at the plate of cookies I have been nibbling on with my coffee. I picked up one and handed it over.

As the little boy took a bite through sniffles he said “thank you mister”. Crisis averted, and as mom came back after a few minutes she picked him up and headed towards the door while looking back with a smile and mouthing “thank you” to me. He waved goodbye. I waved back. I guess not all parents, or kids, are that bad after all. Maybe this regular NYC guy is not all that jaded either.

50 thoughts on “Hey NYC parents – your spawn are not my problem!”

    1. Hey Eva!

      I had to end this mess on a bit of a high! Heck, I bailed on my parents when young, but mom still thinks I’m a little kid. The parental dynamics will never change.

  1. Twenty Years? Well, sorry Eva said it first, but it was my first thought and I’m sticking with it! Everyone is not meant to have kids, or want them. Still, despite the lifetime sentence, I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything in the world. Really.

    1. Hey Peggy!

      I am sure there are many good parents like yourself out there. It’s just not for me. I’ll always be a big kid with a bit of Peter Pan in him! No way could I be a dad!

  2. There are VERY FEW children I like, let alone spend more than a fraction of time with. And I can group my own brats in there from time to time. I never really wanted children, or to get married for that matter. The first one was a complete accident after I was married for a year. Well, the husband at the time wanted one because his mother wouldn’t shut the hell up about it.

    The second brat was by choice. And there are days when I ask myself “WHY?! YOU WERE ALMOST FREE!!!!”

    First brat is 22 years old. Second brat is 8. I’ll die before he’s on his own. oy.

    1. Hey Terrye!

      Oh, you spurted one out to make grandkids! Then another one to just seal your doom totally. Still, I’m sure your a good mommy. Soon to be a granny one day!

  3. I’m a mother of three, and I hate it when people bring their ill behaved crotchfruit into where I’m occupying space. I’ve raised my spawn to be pretty damn well behaved in public since they were still tiny and made of rubber, so when I encounter little hooligans, I can’t help but to judge them harshly. Then again, I also don’t take my kids in public if they’re in one of those rare moods. It’s rude.

  4. You know deep down you want at least three of them… 🙂
    Honestly, I can’t believe she did that. I always kept my kids with me. I love being a mom and never once regretted it.

  5. There are days when I wonder myself, but I wouldn’t trade being a dad for anything. I hear you about kids not holding it together in public, However, most of the time the kids aren’t the issue, it’s the parents. My kids are 16, soon to be 17 and the other is 12. I am told they won’t be ‘people’ until they’re 25! At least. Kindness is all it takes, they melt your heart.

    1. Hey Clay!

      Well, as a father and a teacher I know you are a good dad. Yes, it is the parents, especially in this younger generation of them who feel they want to still party and act like kids themselves. More like buddies than parents. That’s why so many are brats now.

  6. This reminds me of a really funny conversation I had many years ago with a close friend, Sandy. She has no children by choice as well. A friend of hers had asked her if she could put Sandy in her will as the person who’d raise the woman’s children if anything happened to her and her husband. I’m sure the woman thought it was an honor but Sandy was shocked as she later said to me “is she nuts, I don’t want my own children but she thinks I want to raise hers?”

    1. Hey Karen!

      LOL! That is great! Honestly, I would have asked to be removed from the will. Honor, or not. I would not want insta-kids if something happened to the parents. Nope!

  7. So funny Phil with the spawn from hell. As an “older mother,” I thank my lucky stars that I was able to have my one and only “sunshine” while I still could. In Britain, a particular name has made a comeback.
    It’s Damian!

  8. Awww…. Just think – it could’ve gone much, much worse. There could’ve been a candy/stranger meltdown; OR, he could have told on you for giving him a dreaded, non-gluten-free product! You did good; even if he HAD been one of the gluten-free kind. 😉

  9. Oh good God, you gave it a cookie? I hope the kid isn’t allergic to gluten or nuts or raisins or something like that. You might have killed it. Do NOT – I repeat – DO NOT give a kid anything to eat. I did that once and you’d have thought I hit the detonate button on a terrorist bomb vest. And, did you wash your hands first? No telling where those fingers have been Mister.

    Yeah, watching someone else’s kid, a stranger’s kid no less, is a little weird. First of all, who trusts a stranger to watch their kid? Not that you’re a bad guy, but really?

    And good for you for being Mr. Nice Guy. I’m so glad it all worked out well. But next time, be careful.

    Fun times, Phil. Have a great week!

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    1. Hey Patricia!

      It was a strange thing to happen. People always seem to want to talk to me and trust me with their things. Maybe I just have that face. I don’t know. I’m just glad she came back and didn’t leave me with her spawn.

      As for the gluten thing, don’t get me started on that parental cult of bull. I don’t buy it.

  10. Awww bringing out my hanky. I was, “Not yet, not yet, not yet.” until I saw this adorable baby on the beach. Pampers were hanging off his ankles, ice cream and sand was everywhere, everywhere and he was laughing hysterically having the time of his life.

    1. Hey Shelley!

      See? I can bring a tear to your eye. Even when confronted with someones kids. Yeah, sometimes I’ll admit the little brats make us laugh.

  11. Oh Phil you’re all talk coming in at the end with a cookie like a Superhero! Good deeds never go unnoticed.

  12. AWWW- you’re so sweet giving him a cookie. I have 2 stepkids. They were bonus when I married my husband. They don’t live with us and they’re teenagers so we don’t see them often anymore. Its the perfect situation.

  13. You should have given the mother a bill for the cookie!

    I don’t think I’ll ever be a parent, either. And I like it that way. Though I love my friends’ kids, and love being an uncle (I’m the same way… rile ’em up and turn ’em over), I know doing it full time as a parent wouldn’t be for me. I love kids, but I also love my freedom!

    1. Hey PJ!

      Yeah, I’m not a parental type of person. I barely deal with my own young ones in the family. I love my freedom too much, and my lifestyle is pretty full, so I’m content.

    1. Hey Cowboys!

      I love calling someone’s kids spawn, especially when they are brats. Another commenter here mentioned “crotchfruit” and I spit out my coffee! LMAO!

  14. who leaves their child with a stranger?! ever? You’re lucky the mom didn’t flip out and say the kid had a gluten allergy or something when she saw you’d given him a cookie.

  15. Ha,ha,ha! The older I get, the less patient I am with little ones. I feel like I’ve been there, done that and am over it. I am enjoying my empty nest. I better get over this before the grandchildren start trickling in. 🙂

    You are a softie deep down. 🙂

    1. Hey Brickhouse!

      Once the grandkids pop out it will start again, but at least they go home with the parents after visiting! Me? A softee? I’ll never admit to it!

  16. A 5-y-o demon boy spit chewed up marshmallows on me and locked me out of his house when I was a 16-y-o, doe-eyed babysitter. I hated kids for a good 10 years after that. Made babies cry, even. Now I have 3 and I don’t know why. 😉

    FTR, I woud never ask you (nor anyone else) to watch one while I went to the loo. Who the heck does that? You must be emitting some kind of “Mr. Rogers kind of nice guy” signal to frazzled mamas!

    1. Hey Elizabeth!

      Now that is a great babysitter story. Was his name Damian, spawn of Hades?

      Maybe some of these moms are testing to see if I would make good daddy material and are trying to trap me!

  17. Why didn’t she take the snot-monster in the bathroom WITH HER?
    Who leaves their kid with a stranger?
    She could have emerged from the restroom to find that her little spawn had disappeared forever!
    perhaps that was her plan all along…HA!

  18. I’m also not very good with kids, but fortunately, I also don’t look like a child-friendly person, so none of my friends with kids have ever asked me to look after their progeny, and most children are scared of me, so they stay away:)
    Btw. it’s so annoying when parents bring kids to grown-up places. Nothing can ruin a romantic dinner more than a screaming, food-throwing monster next to you.

    1. Hey Mitzie!

      LOL! Children fear you! That should be on a shirt you wear!

      Yeah, children monsters should never be brought into adult spots, especially bars, and strip clubs! That kills the romance for sure!

  19. LOL, Phil, I knew you were a softy! 😉

    As a mom of three boys, let me correct a couple of your factoids:

    1. the “excruciating agony” of the “plopping” lasts WAY more than a moment;
    2. parents are on the hook for much longer than 20 years (our first-born is 22, and is definitely the problem child of the family).

    I totally agree with you about kid behavior in public. Even really little kids seem to know when they have you over a barrel: the checkout line, for example. But you always have options, even if they are inconvenient ones. I have left behind several filled grocery carts in order to take my kid (usually son #1) back to my car, strap him into his car seat, and let him scream it out without bothering anyone. (I’d read a book, sitting on the hood of my car where he could see me). It only took a few times before he caught on that I was more stubborn than he was, LOL.

    My kids went EVERYWHERE with me, even the bathroom. Between three of them, it was probably a decade before I was going to the bathroom alone. Even now, the cat feels compelled to stick her paw under the door when I’m in there.

    Having kids is a personal choice. I respect yours, and generally speaking, people need to teach their kids self-restraint in public, or keep them at home. Nobody likes a screaming kid, not even parents!

    Happy 2015, by the way!

    1. Hey K.B.!

      Hope you had a great New Years too! Thanks for dropping by.

      Maybe I might have a heart of stone, but it can be a bit soft like Play Doh at times. Don’t tell anyone!

      I stand corrected on the plopping!

      You sound like a take charge mom who did it right! Bravo!

      Also, check out my new post and let me know your thoughts on that subject!

Feel free to comment! We all have opinions!