I was one of the many lamenting the long dreary winter not too long ago. Until after this past weekend on June 1 when the environment decided to smack us all in the face here in NYC with a wall of hot humid muggy air and humidity. Then the skies opened up and drenched us all. Ugh. Talk about total suckage! Now, I know there are many out there that love the hot weather and absolutely hate the winter season as it’s cold and unforgivably seems to last forever here in the Northeast. Personally, I enjoy the cold air and don’t think we have been hit too hard with many bad winters these past bunch of years. Most have been quite mild actually with few real snowfalls of any accumulation to make much of a difference. Yet, there are many that whine and complain all winter long. They relish the feel of 90 degree hot sticky days and all the sweatiness that accompanies it.
Not me! I don’t know about you but to me there is no enjoyment of having SWAMP ASS!
Really, the torture that comes when you feel that river of sweat water running down your lower back and down your ass crack is nothing to look forward too. Especially when you are standing on a hot subway platform waiting for a train. It always seems to take forever on those days too for a train to arrive. At least this week so far the temps have dropped back to the normal range of being in the 70’s and sunny. Had some perfect Spring days out this week. We have received a taste for a few days of what Spring used to be like – enjoyable. We were treated this past weekend of what is to come in the months ahead during the hot Summer season.
Personally, I am dreading it. In fact, I feel a bit of a rant coming on regarding the upcoming Swamp Ass weather. Just to note –
1) Restaurants that refuse to crank up the air conditioning!
Seriously, what is it with these places that refuse to turn up the AC? Don’t give us excuses that the AC units are not ready yet or that it’s expensive to run. That’s not my problem! I don’t want to eat a hot plate of food while sweating my ass off and dripping into my meal!
Which brings me to –
2) Restaurants that open up the whole front of the place to have an “open air” environment when it’s steaming hot outside!
Why do you all torture us so? Sure, there are those that enjoy sitting outside when it’s 90 out to drink and dine, but it kills us when our favorite places do this. There is no fun when melting while trying to enjoy a meal. Not everyone loves the heat and almost passing out while eating!
3) Lukewarm subway cars.
Nothing worse than standing on a hot sweaty subway platform awaiting a train to pull up and anticipating a nice cold car but walking into a sauna. C’mon MTA! It’s frigging June already! Get these cars serviced and blast the AC! Stop planning your next fare increase and actually do something to take care of the riders.
4) Yo people! You ever hear of deodorant?
It’s hot out. It’s humid out. You small like a camel! For the love of all things holy please shower, body spray, deodorize, do whatever it takes to not smell like dirty B.O. when we are trapped near you at work, in an elevator, in the subway, etc. Also, don’t douse yourself in a gallon of cologne or perfume as that is just as bad. I feel like lighting a match and throwing it at you to see if you explode in flames!
5) Macy’s during warm weather sucks. Period.
Why does the largest store in the world, and a total tourist attraction, seem to never have the AC on at a comfortable level when it’s warm outside? Anyone who has ever shopped there and used the fitting rooms can attest to the fact that you can become a sweaty mess in this place. There is never AC on in these areas. Plus, some of the dressing rooms smell like ass. Double bleech!
6) The summer smells of the city streets.
I’m not talking about the food carts, hot dog stands, or roasted peanut vendors. I’m talking about that rotting garbage stench which emanates from the street corners and sewers and wafts up your nose when walking around. What the heck is that smell? Why is it here? Why am I feeling dizzy? Help!
7) Swamp Ass.
It’s a fact of NYC life during the hot humid Summer. No one can escape it. No one can deny it. There is no way to stay indoors 24/7 in the comfort of cold AC. You need to venture out and experience life. Your ass will sweat. Your underwear will be damp. Your clothes will feel uncomfortable and stick to your body. You will smell. You will need to invest in a lot of baby powder, deodorant, and body fresheners. Oh joy!
Is it wrong of me to be looking forward to November already?
Crap – only 199 more days until Christmas! That is another rant…..
26 thoughts on “Hey NYC – Here comes the Swamp Ass!”
You have just gifted me with a renewed appreciation for my car!
Nothing like jumping in that car and cranking up the AC! I aim all the vents right at me on those days when I rent a car.
You are singing my song, filbio.
I grew up in Pennsylvania and now live in *gasp* Texas.
I grew up in a suburb of a suburb of suburbia, where the days didn’t seem so hot (or smelly) and we didn’t contend with swamp-ass sweat in crowded, undercooled subways. Cow poop? Whole ‘nother story.
I dread the beginning of summer here b/c it frigging lasts 4EVER. That’s why I ran away from home for six weeks last year. Went to smell the cow pooh in Pennsylvania, discovered low 80 degree days, and fell in love with my home state all over again.
Typical conversation with my husband during that window in July/August?
Him: “Hotter than hell, today. Triple digits again — I think we broke 110”
Me: Silent — sitting outside wearing jeans b/c the temps had dropped into the 60’s.
Him: “So! When are you coming home?”
Me: “I dunno. NOT this week. October, maybe?”
My bubble: Who said I was planning to come home????
I see many free-to-be-me road trips to the Northeast in my future. Oh! And San Francisco in August — their coldest month of the year. Hang in there. I’m with you. Bring on the cold. Love. It.
LOL – I can totally believe it. We have family in San Antonio and it is brutally hot and humid there in summer. Yet, I see people diving around down there with their car windows open on those super hot days. WTF????
One of the colder vacations we took was when we went to SF in the summer. No joke!
Couldn’t agree more I had similar problems in London when I was working there, unfortunately the tube trains back then didn’t have air con (don’t think they really do now either) making the tube trains one year reach about 122 Fahrenheit… luckily I wasn’t on any of the tube trains that broke down in the tunnels but it was still hell being on one around rush hour. I don’t envy you at all!
UGH! I hate getting on the trains and they have no air on. Instant sauna!
At least most of the NYC trains now are newer and have AC. When it’s actually working!
Soooo not a fan of bad B.O. Sadly, here in Florida we deal with humidity issues…and a few who just refuse to bathe… (Thankfully our Macy’s keeps their AC on all the time…better too cold than too hot.)
I know what you mean as I will be down in Florida next week, and it’s been pretty hot there already. Not looking forward to that southern swamp ass!
Hahah Phil, this post is hilarious! I’m thinking the BO issue may be the worst and sadly people here in Victoria have similar problems on warm days. They don’t know what deodorant is, sadly, lol !!!
Thanks for reading and glad you liked it! Deordorant is a must! Why some of these smelly idiots decide to go “all natural” is beyond me!
Our humidity gets nasty here since we live right next to a major very slow moving river. Last week it was 95 and the humidity was horrible. It wouldn’t be bad if we were further to the east in our state, but we live on the side bordering ky and ohio and it stays sticky all summer. Yuck!
Yuck – that spounds horrible. I thought it was bad here. Hope the mosquitos aren’t too bad.
The subway platform is the WORST in the summer. How many people have to pass out down there before they install some freaking fans? Fans. Not like I’m asking for AC.
I also hate that summer garbage smell. I walk through K-town to get to work and the garbage has an additional cabbage aroma.
K-Town along with the Chinatown areas smell nasty during the hot humid summer! Even though I like eating there I avoid those parts of town when it’s hot out if I can. As for the subway platforms they are sweatboxes! Major swamp ass areas!
I whine and complain all winter long. I hate it! I also hate humidity. I’m pretty much screwed all year round.
I remember NYC summers, the smell of piss and garbage wafting from the pavement. At least you don’t have to deal with bums sleeping on the sidewalk. In the old days (1980s), you often had to step over a bum passed out on the street. A bum once wandered into our apartment. We stupidly left the door unlocked. My husband promptly kicked him out and disinfected the hallway.
Wow – that sounds pretty bad. I remember those days and we had family in the city and used to come in on weekends. It’s definitley cleaned up since then, but the urine and garbage smell is still here during those hot summer days!
The city always leaves me feeling extra ripe in the summer. You always come home feeling extra funky and grimy. But summertime is still my favorite time here. Outside seating, everyone showing some skin…good times.
The hot humid summer makes us all feel ripe and swamp-assy! Seeing all that skin does make up for it. Yet, there are those who really should not be showing more skin if you know what I mean!
Swamp ass….EWWWWWWWWW! We don’t get that here in San Francisco. It’s nice and cool. 😉
Jules of Canines & Couture
You guys out in SF have freezing summers! Come here to experience some swamp ass weather! 🙂
Summer in New York, we drive into Soho from the suburbs, park on street, and walk around open areas dining in those venues air conditioned, oh and we go on weekends when most everyone has already left town for the weekend. Come to Macy’s in PA- they air condition!
Good idea about summer weekends as many are out on getaways. Many resturants are easier to get into!
Now I’m headed to Florida for biz where it’s 94 in Orlando today. Yuck!
We’re still waiting for the sun to show it’s face for more than 2 days. Last weekend it looked as if the summer was making a start but today it’s back to heavy rain and having the central heating back on. What a mess.
When I was in America, I remember how freezing cold it was inside all the shops/restuarants but I just wanted to be outside enjoying the sun (something we rarely see) Maybe we should swap countries Phil for a few months of the year.
I yearn to be among the hot, sweaty, smellies. SUN where are you?
Hey Rum Punch!
Ah, nothing like that England pea soup weather, eh?
I’ll gladly take the cooler weather but what you lads go through over there might make me stir crazy!
Yuck, and I will be spending a week in N.Y.C. I hope I make it and it’s not too hot. I will have to see if there is a pool in the hotel where I am staying.
Hopefully the week you are here will be good weather and not too hot. When will you be here? If you need any dining recommendations let me know.