Getting sick for me is just not an option. Even if it means being patient zero of the zombie apocalypse.
It’s not that I’m an indestructible machine, but just that I rarely, if ever, fall ill. So getting sick to the point that I broke down and had to get my ass to the emergency room was quite a different experience for me. It’s not too often that I admit defeat, and as with my stubborn nature I kind of refuse to take pills and concoctions for every sniffle, fever, cough, ache, and pain. Damn, have you seen all those drug commercials lately with all those crazy side effects. Uncontrollable explosive diarrhea, third eyeballs, webbed fingers, and anal leakage just don’t sound too appealing when looking for a cure. Nope.
I don’t even go to a doctor that often even though I know I am way overdue for a physical. Just a normal pig-headed man, and I give my gal a lot of credit for putting up with me at times. So on Sunday afternoon when I poked my head into the bedroom while she was on the phone with her mom and announced that we had better hit the ER she knew it was serious business. We grabbed a few things, made sure I had my health care insurance card, and jumped into a taxi.
Now let’s make something perfectly clear here. I’m not one of those guys who succumbs to having “man flu” and becomes an infantile whiny baby when a little sniffle shows up. No, that’s not my style. Even recently when I ran the Urban Mudder I did it with torn up shoulders and tendonitis in both elbows due to overtraining getting ready for it. Yet, I did not say a word or complain. I just ignored it and worked through it. So when it got to the point that after three days of coughing, not sleeping, and alternating burning fever and freezing chills I just could not ignore it anymore. I could not walk straight from dizziness, my eyes were glazed over, drenched in sweat, and I was ashen colored. Pretty much I had turned into one of the zombies on The Walking Dead. Not like the rotting flesh and snarling “Walkers” seen on the original series, but more like the freshly dead “Infected” on the new spinoff Fear The Walking Dead.
Pretty much I felt like patient zero as I entered the ER. I do have to say that here in NYC the Lenox Hill Hospital emergency room was terrific. Got me in quick and onto a bed within minutes. Good timing too as I was burning up with a 104 temp. Terrific staff on hand that night from the doctor on duty to the nurses who generally ran the show. Mine also had a good sense of humor which came in handy when I passed out. Then when I could not pee for a urine test and she threatened the catherize me. Yikes! Let’s just say after she gave me a bucket of water and gulped it down I willed myself to start flowing like a river. This after having two bags of fluids also IV’d into my arm. No way was a tube being shoved up my wing-wong! Pee Dammit Pee!
Well, let just say that I won’t be gnawing on human flesh anytime soon. Turns out I had a bad case of Walking Pneumonia. Not fun stuff at all. They put another IV into me full of antibiotics that takes almost two hours to administer. After asking why it takes so long I was told because it can cause deafness if done to quickly. Woah! Not a good side effect. While this was going on we had to listen to the poor guy next to us projectile vomit repeatedly. So glad there was a curtain between us. Suffice to say they still deemed me young and healthy so there was no reason to keep me in the hospital. Not much you can do for it. It’s basically a bacterial infection in the lungs. Could have picked it up anywhere. Like the flu bug. Fluids, rest, and take an antibiotic pill for five days. I feel 100% better already. Feel like a new man.
Also, I have to say thank God I have good health care. My co-pay for the ER visit was $100. I can’t wait to get the itemized statement listing what everything really costs – chest x-rays, Tylenol pills, the IV’s, antibiotics, blood work, urinalysis, etc, as I bet it will be well over $1000. It’s crazy how much health care costs nowadays. People can bitch and complain about Obamacare, and I don’t talk too much politics, but I’m a firm believer that everyone should have access to proper health care. It’s a human right and no one should go broke because they fall ill. It’s just crazy how much it costs to see a doctor or need a hospital visit.
Well, except the Walking Dead. Those people are too far gone to care. They would eat the healthcare staff down to the bone. So yeah, charge them full price. Not like it matters to them. I was close to being one of the infected, Patient Zero, and even had the groans and zombie shuffle walk down to a T. Glad I survived and back in the real world.
Almost forgot. The admissions desk asked if I had been in contact with anyone who had Ebola…….