Now that I have been back in the gym for a solid month now I can already feel and see the changes to my physique. I have always been a bit of a gym rat and love the feel of the iron, along with a good sweat that only a hard workout can offer. I have been in the gym most every day trainging for the August 3rd Warrior Dash that I am running in for charity, and so far am half way to my donation goal. (http://blog.theregularguynyc.com/?p=3411) With still over a month to go I am hoping to achieve it and also make a good showing running through the course obstacles without breaking any bones!
It’s funny though the things I have seen in the gyms I have been training at lately. I have been on the road for biz and then on vacation so I have trained at four different gyms during this time. Let me tell you the idiots I see at each one and the things they do are universal. The idiocy knows no bounds! Let me extrapoliate for a minute or two here.
The lady who looks like she just got out of the beauty parlor at 6am. How the hell is this possible? Why is your hair perfectly styled and a full face of makeup applied? Why are you doused in perfume? It’s freaking 6AM!!!! I barely rolled out of bed and look like a slug to train this early. Did you get up at 4am to get all dolled up for the gym? Cougar alert!
The guy who has no clue what they are doing. Seriously dude, why are you trying to incline bench twice the weight you can even handle for one rep? The ask me of all people for a spot and expect me to lift 330 pounds off your chest? Your ass and back are three feet arched off the bench, and now my back hurts from pulling the weight off you. Idiot. Wait – what do you mean you want to stay here and spot you for a second set with no rest to see how many reps you can push? You barely did one!!!! Effing moron.
Oh gee, thanks for standing in front of me when you see I am using the mirror to check my form. No that’s ok. I’ll just smack you in the back of the head – with a dumbbell. Are all these numnuts that clueless?
Dude, you stink. No, you really reek. When was the last time you washed your gym gear? You smell like dirty ass and vomit. For the love of jeezus please burn everything you have ever worked out in and start fresh. Some deodorant and body spray would be a good investment.
The annoying person that feels the need to jump on the treadmill right next to yours – when there are twenty empty machines all down the row! It never fails me. I’m like a douche magnet. Also, it’s usually the smelly guy from before, some lady doused in stinky perfume, the person who won’t shaddup, or the asshole who has to do an all-out plodding run the whole thirty minutes they are on it. Kill me now.
The guy that has to ask me a million questions. Now, back in a past life I was a personal trainer, so I do know a thing or two about gym equipment and exercise. Notice I said “past” life. I don’t want to spend half my time there explaining how to use something. See that guy over there in the red shirt that says “trainer” across the front of it? Go bother him. Please. I’m begging you.
The guy singing out loud to the tunes on his ipod. I was out on Long Island last week, or “Lawn Guyland” if you prefer, visiting family and training out there. This guido looking guy with spiked hair and spray on tan was doing shoulder presses on the squat rack while the whole time looking into the mirror and “battle rapping” to himself! During and in-between sets. It was a riot until he all caught us laughing. We got a Situation here!
The dude doing everything wrong, but yelling and screaming during each set and rep like he is a monster or something. Then he gets off the machine all pumped up like he is all bad ass. What is wrong with these guys? They read one issue of Muscle & Fitness and feel like they need to do a Mr Olympia workout. It is kind of funny though when they get stuck under the barbell and scream for help like little girls!
There’s always the self-centered assholes who refuse to re-rack their plates and dumbbells. They are in evey effin’ gym I have ever been in, and it’s usually the moron who puts way too may plates on the bar to do an exercise, then leaves them there so we all can admire thier prowess. Too bad they were doing two inch movements and did nothing with it! Also, if I trip over your piles of dumbbells you left on the floor I will beat you with one!
What is it with the old guys in every gym I go to? No matter what locker room I am in there are a bunch of these old fat or scraggly dudes that love the walk around naked and refuse to even drape a towel around themselves. Then, they always want to stand by you and start converstion. No. No! NOOOOO!!!! Cover up your old gray junk dude! It’s nasty!
Oh, there are many more that I am sure can be thrown down here. These are the tip of the iceberg. What do you see going on in your gym that makes you want to rant like a lunatic?
Another great rant Phil. I love the Guido tutorial, although admittedly I’ve never heard the term before.
Great to see you back in the gym and your training works out well for the Warrior Dash.
Hey Guy!
Thanks buddy! Glad you like my occassional rants!
Yup – training hard to get in great shape for the Warrior Dash, and also for my health. I like to eat and drink too much!
This was great! I love your observations of people! They are always spot on.
Hey GK!
Thanks so much! Don’t ya just love when I go off on these idiots! I’m surrounded by idiots!
I’ve spotted most of these FuckNobs at my gym.
I have a chubby Italian bloke who comes to walk next to me, while I run on the treadmill. He is covered in fur and insists on talking to me even though he can see I’m listening to my ipod. Smile, earphones in, volume up and eyes front…pity I can still see his lips moving out the corner of my eye.
Hello Gillian!
LOL!!! That is pretty funny – “fucknobs”!
I have encountered people like your furry friend too. There is always at least one in the gym! 🙂
I can relate to this post on so many levels. I go to the gym at least 4 times a week and I’ve encountered many of these things. There’s this woman on the eliptical that has some sort of tick where she grunts every 30 seconds…it’s the weirdest thing and SO distracting and annoying when I’m in the zone. LOL
xoxo,
Jules of Canines & Couture
http://www.caninesandcouture.com
Hey Jules!
I am sure we have seen them all in the gyms here in NYC!
I train in the morning a lot and encounter the same group of regulars with all their weirdness. No matter what gym I am in.
You managed to hit every one of my pet peeves in the gym. The biggest one being getting on the machine next to me. I don’t get it, why do they need to be so close to me when every other machine is open? Or better yet, they want to use the locker right next to mine so we have to change clothes in extremely close quarters. Not cool people, not cool!
Best of luck with your training!
Hey Emily!
So glad we think alike! I think many people feel as we do about gym idiots.
The locker room thing is another one. What is wrong with these people?
Hahahahaha! That’s just how we do it in Lawwnguuyyland.
Except I’m usually singing Taylor Swift instead of battle rapping. Same diff?
Hey Jill!
Taylor Swift? You singing hate lyrics about men and relationships? I’m sure all the guys in the gym are terrified when you are there!
Too funny 🙂 My dad stopped going to the gym because of all the older naked men, he wanted nothing to do with it. I like having my treadmill at home so people don’t talk to me. When I was younger there were way too many overly friendly men, when all I wanted to do was get my workout done. When I am dripping in my own sweat, stay away!
Hey Foodie!
Wow – the naked guys drove him out of there? LOL!
As for the ladies at the gym there will always be creepers around bothering them. As for me I just keep by earbuds in, train, and don’t talk to anyone. My gym time is serious training time for me.
Love the Guido guy pic! Says it all.
Great post as always Phil
Hey Lanthie!
Oh, I am sure he is your type! 😉
Hilarious and spot ON! The gym is the best freak show on the face of the planet! Me and a guy friend of mine used to work out at the same time at a gym in Austin, Texas and he told me about some humdingers happening in the guys locker room, like this 80 year old man that came in everyday the same time my friend did, would just be swaggin’ and draggin’ around nude and would wash his “junk” off in the sink! I kid you not, so gross!
Hey Pam!
LOL! Glad you approve!
Yes, freak show for sure. In all my years as a gym rat I have seen it all, and still laugh at many of them.
I can believe it with that old dude. There is this one old gent who every day stands around naked and lotions his whole body with slapping noises he makes as he applies it. Nasty!!!!
Hey I lost your email address. I was trying to send you a message last week and I didn’t remember your email. I will be here one more night, then going back home on Sunday morning early. We are having a great time here. Saw Times Square, went on a walking tour to the High Line, and Washington Square, and walked around Central Park. With all the walking we have to do in NYC why does anyone need to go to a gym? My feet are killing me walking all day around the city. Tonight my family went to a comedy show, but not me because I wouldn’t be able to hear anything. So I got tonight free to do as I please. What do people do in NYC on Friday nights?
Hey Susana!
Sorry for the late reply as I disconnected from the computer for a night out and just replying to comments now. You should have sent me a message through my contact page here and I that goes to my email.
Yes, this is a big walking city. I am used to it. Where are you all headed to tonight?
OMG – can I stop laughing now? You do the best rants, Phil! I’m glad I use the gym in our condo because there’s usually no one else there! It’s a fabulous facility with all new equipment but as long as I stay away from weekends, it’s all mine. That’s the way I like it!
Hey Patricia!
Don’t you just love having the gym all to yourself? I love when it’s like that. It’s why I usually train early morning or later at night. The idiots drive me crazy there!
Glad you enjoyed this one!
Hilarious! Never understood the make-up at the gym thing, but sooo glad I’ve never had to be privy to a bunch of old guys running around naked! Love the Guido Battle Rapper, come on now, that has to put a smile on ones face for the day! Great Post!
Hey Peggy!
From what I have heard the ladies locker room is just as bad, and much more messy!
Yeah, that guy had me laughing that I had to walk away. Glad you got a laugh out of this one!
these type of guys are the reason i dont want to goto to the gym as im not ripped guy but would like to work out without feeling inferior. what is it with the naked old guys seriously!
Hello Sydney!
Thanks for dropping by and commenting. In a way you just have to ignore them or laugh at them. As for the naked old guys who knows what they are thinking!
I pretty much loathe the gym.
This one time, a larger woman was standing in the lockeroom of the gym around resolution time and with the skimpiest little towel covering a few folds, she looked at me and asked me if it was hot in there… mind you it was january. Her eyes rolled behind her head and fell backwards flipping over the bench and flat on her stomach, naked for the world to see. I ran to the front of the lockeroom in my underwear and screamed for help.
Shes okay.
i think.
I will stick to couch surfin.
Hey Mo!
HAHAHAHA! OMG! I hope she survived. Can’t believe you did not offer her mouth to mouth!
I would pay to see that! 😉
Ewwwwww – I know.
Too true, and hilariously described. It could be worse. In ancient Rome, people sat and talked on long benches with holes in them. While they crapped.
Hello Astro!
Glad I gave you a good laugh! Ah, nothing like crapper discussions! Must be awkward when wiping.