Ok, here we go with another Valentine’s Day (massacre) again. I have yet to buy a card or set up flowers to be delivered. Yes, I am one of those dudes that wait all until the last possible minute to actually hit a store and get something for my gal. I mean, what’s the big deal with women when it comes to this overhyped commercialized Hallmark holiday? Bleech. I’m already seeing all kinds of posts on Facebook referring to wonderful plans all these couples have set up for the big day of forced romance. Gag me. Then come Feb 14th all the women will be posting pics of flowers and gifts that their guys sent them. Oh c’mon already. Isn’t a bucket of KFC extra crispy and furry handcuffs enough to make a gal swoon? It’s the gift that keeps on giving! Nothing says romance like greasy fried chicken and sex toys. Are you all feeling me out there? Don’t even get me started on the flowers part. It’s the one time of year that a bouquet of roses cost as much as diamonds. He went to Jared? Nope! He went to Subway with the other Jared and used some of that cash on a $5 foot long. He then hit the local bodega and scored a dozen roses for $10 on the way home. Yessir! I go all out for my main squeeze. Nothing but the best. It’s how I roll!
I know there are also many people who really want nothing to do with this holiday. They can’t relate to all the syrupy nonsense of being all lovey dovey when it comes to V-Day. You’ll usually see these people at a bar drinking, partying, and acting all cheerful about dodging Cupid’s arrow on this evening while many semi-loathing couples are dealing with an overpriced night out at dinner eating off a crappy pre-fix menu. Me? I’m taking my gal out to one of the most notable culinary delights across the land for the big day. The Golden Arches. The McD’s. Mickie D’s. Ronald’s Joint. Nothing sets the mood like a candle lit dinner at McDonald’s. Heck, I’ll even splurge for super-sizing our meals. I spare no expense. It’s the kind of guy I am. Be jealous ladies, as I’m taken!
Now, since I am thinking about that fat little winged bastid shooting arrows at us maybe I will head out and pick up a card today. With all the Duane Reade’s and CVS stores throughout Manhattan we have our pick of crappy generic V-Day cards. All you have to do is find the gaggle of clueless guys meandering around the card section like zombies on The Walking Dead to know you are in the right spot. It’s almost like some of them are scared of picking a card and looking into it, as if it has anthrax or something on it. As for me I just do the grab and go. Don’t even look. Just do a drive by, reach over, and take the first card you see and hit the check out counter. So what if the card says “To a Dear Aunt”. A little white-out will fix that and pencil in “To The One I Love”. Perfecto! The Russian Roulette version of picking a card as I call it. Works every time and only takes a few minutes out of your day. I will admit that sympathy card in German did not go over well that one year for V-Day, but it’s the thought that counts, right? Hey, us guys are busy and we have important stuff to do. You know. Things and stuff.
If a guy is lucky enough he has a chick with the same warped sense of humor and sex drive as himself. That’s why a trip to the dreaded mall is usually in order where you can find stores that carry some weird sexual enhancement products. I mean, what gal would pass up the chance to have Darth Vader inside her with that big helmet of his? Talk about Feeling The Force! This is what I call a quality sexual stimulant. Plus, it also acts as a Pez dispenser and great conversation piece to leave laying around the house or kitchen table for when guests come over.
We all know that our ladies love the sweets on V-Day from their sweethearts. Sure, anyone can buy a box of chocolates from the local store in a heart shaped box that tastes like chalk, or a stuffed animal with Cupid wings on it that will lay around and collect dust. Not me. I go for the man candy of choice. Raunchy Conversation Hearts! Nothing conveys love more then when you hand her one for a Golden Shower or Rim Job. It’s the candy that both of you can enjoy all month long. Sure, these candies usually have no flavor either, but do you really need to taste a Bukakke Party or Dirty Sanchez? She will thank you for it, and her love of your thoughtfulness will shine through after you hand her the Tea Bag heart.
Hey, what about us guys on V-Day you say? Manly men don’t need flowers, jewelry, or candy to be shown your affection and caring. It’s the little things that count. Just keep it simple and offer up the perfect gift for every man. In fact, we will consider it a wise choice and will accept this gift on a daily basis. It’s especially welcoming during the morning wood time of day, or to help us get relaxed after a long day at work, and even to help us drift off to a good night’s sleep. See? Us guys don’t ask for much more than what you would call some “oral affection”. That’s a great gift for every man, and one size fits all!
Now that I have offered up this lesson on romance and how to score big time points with your ladies go out and emulate my routine on Valentine’s Day. You can’t go wrong and I am sure she will be totally enthralled with the thought you put into it. Just don’t blame me if she takes it the wrong way. Blame yourself if you hand her the wrong Conversation Heart ya filthy animal!