As a follow up to my ticket giveaway on a recent post “Win FREE tickets to Sex Tips For Straight Women From A Gay Man In NYC” I promised I would pick the winner on Sunday night while also digging into a bit of my sordid dating history and divulging one of my past dating disasters. I actually have quite a few to choose from but since this is not an X-rated blog I must temper myself and pick one that would not get me arrested. So here goes my tale of woe, followed by the lucky ticket winner.
Back in a time long ago and in a land far far away (Long Island) there lived a young bloke who had quite an active dating life. Yeah, I was a bit of a player back then, and was always up to meeting new girls to date. Love em’ and leave em’. Sometimes the scoundrel in me got his comeuppance for being such a douchebag at times. Yeah, this was one of them that I will never forget. It all started when I answered a dating site ad. At that time it was before all the online dating sites took off and people placed “looking for love” ads in special sections of the newspapers and local Pennysaver type papers that were delivered to our mailboxes. Well, I decided to give this a shot and boy oh boy did I come up with a winner.
Let’s just call her Sally as I don’t even remember her name anymore. I replied to her ad with my own message. I sent her a pic of me. She sent me a messsage with no pic but assured me she was a looker. I should have heeded the warnings right away. We exchanged numbers and talked a bit over the phone and decided to go on a date into the city. At that time I hated the suburbs as Long Island is totally boring and NYC is a place I found myself heading into on the weekends. Plus, it’s a great way to impress a chick on a date!
We agreed to meet at the train station in Ronkonkoma. I was waiting on the platform when I saw this gal walking towards me from a distance yelling out my name. No, not just once, but SCREAMING out my name over and over until she realized it was me waving her over. As she approached the shock of what I got myself into became abundantly clear. She was a rocker chick, which is cool to me, but she looked like the female version of Dee Snider of Twisted Sister. Dressed in black leather, denim, heavy makeup, and a lion’s mane of frizzy hair of which looked like it held a whole can of Aqua Net in it. Good God! As I went to say hello she wrapped her arms around me in a bear hug and SHOVED her tongue down my throat. I was more shocked than anything, and even though she was not as tall as me and on the skinny side this chick had me locked in like the jaws of life!
As the train arrived and we took our seats I momentarily considered jumping out of the train. I decided to make the best of it and enjoy the evening. Made small talk and asked about her life, job, interests, etc. She talked a mile a minute and was saying things that made me wonder if she was off her meds or something. I should have known it was going to be bad when she told me her ex-boyfriend was in jail. Along with her dad. She also jumped into my lap halfway there to be closer to me as she knew I was “the one” and she didn’t want to let me out of her sight. She even licked my face. GULP!!!
We hit Manhattan and headed downtown to do a bit of bar hopping. Maybe plowing this girl with booze was a bad idea. Now, I don’t mind at all when a girl is into me and gets amorous but she was all over me the whole time. I just could not get the thought of making out with Dee Snider off my brain everytime she lunged at me. I figured maybe getting something to eat would be a good idea at this point so we hit up a restaurant down in the Village. It goes from bad to worse. As we were sitting there in a crowed place she was slurring away and kept leaning over the table to hear what I was saying, or trying to kiss me. There was a lit candle in the middle of the table. As I was talking and buttering some bread all of a sudden I heard “whoosh” and looked up to see my date’s hair had CAUGHT FIRE! Yup, all that hairspray went up in flames. I quickly threw my water over her head and patted her down to extinguish the flames. Luckily she did not burn her skin, but have you ever smelled burnt human hair? Yuck. Also, all her makeup was running at this point. Let’s just say we did not finish dinner as bits of hair were everywhere in our food, the table, the floor, and just about all over. Time to head back home and escape this nightmare!
Oh, that ride home was something else as I was sitting next to my semi-drunk date with half burned off hair and smeared clown makeup. At one point she tried to kiss me and as I pushed her away she THREW UP all over the seat. Oh yeah, this 90 minute ride became the train trip from Hell! As we finally departed I made sure she was ok and said my goodbye. She actually thought we had a great time and wanted to come back to my place! OH HELLZ NO! That was the last thing I wanted, and just the thought of it conjured up nightmares as she told me she would rock my world in bed. No way was I going to do the nasty with Dee Snider covered in vomit, bad makeup, and burned hair. I still get the willies thinking about it. No way! Not happening!
Needless to say I never saw her again after that night. Hopefully, she is doing better nowadays, and that her hair grew back. I dodged a bullet on that one. Also, never did another blind date ad again. I learned my lesson.
Now on to the winner that was chosen by random. To make this all fair I went onto the website Random.org, assigned numbers and plugged in the entrants, then hit the random number generator button.
Aaaaaaand the winner issssssss??????
Monique R and her rapey van cable guy homicidal maniac air humper date! Congrats to the winner and I’ll be contacting you with the details on how to get the tickets.
Thanks again to all who posted and participated. You’re all great sports for commenting.
THAT one date pretty sums up the entirety of the last 2 relationships I managed to escape from before I met my husband. Minus the Dee Snider hair and makeup, of course. Plus an extra helping of bat-shit crazy, please… Oh, you poor guy! I don’t think anyone could be THAT much of a douche – maybe that was your warning to check the douchery at the door from then on. LOL
Hey Lorien!
Thanks so much for dropping by and commenting. So, your last two were bat shit crazy too! Yeah, karma jumped up and bit me in the ass on that one!
Now THAT is an awesome first date story! Yikes. As soon as I read “candle” I knew what was going to happen. I was a teen in the 80’s and yes, I know what burned hair smells like. Mine was my friend lighting a cigarette from a stove at a party. Still scary. We all got a hairspray wake-up that day!
Hey Joy!
That shit goes up in flames quickly! Needless to say that was our one and only date. I still get the willies thinking about it.
Wow, Phil that is one heck of a story. Have you thought of selling it to Hollywood?
I’ve tried a few blind dates in the past and people full on like this girl are always destined to fail. Glad you got shot of her in the end and things have worked out well for you.
Hey Guy!
I don’t think Hollywood could have thought that one up! Glad I escaped that one but hope she is doing well wherever she is.
Easily one of the worst blind dates I have ever read about! The part about her hair catching on fire had me giggling – but seriously I’m glad you saved her with the glass of water! Yup, it would be hard to have a date that went more strangely… Oh and congrats to the contest winner!
Hey Christy!
It was a strange trip indeed. Good thing I didn’t throw any booze on her as it could have been worse. We might have burned the whole place down!
I SO want to know where she is and what she’s doing now. You need to remember her name and check her out on FB. Bet that would make a great follow-up blog post. . . just sayin’!
Hey Karen!
I have no clue what her name was or where she is now. Just hope she stays away from any lit candles she comes across! Hope she is doing well though.
What a great story! You are a far nicer person than I am as I would have beat a hasty retreat long before you did. Sadly though I do think you met something with mental health issues. I probably wouldn’t have even gotten on that train into the city!
You’re clearly a good guy. :-))
Hey Alexandra!
I did think about making a run for it a few times! I would have felt bad about it though, but it did give me a funny story to tell!
Tears of laughter going there Phil, that story is too funny, and I can’t even imagine some of the others. Thanks for sharing this day and more worth of chuckles!
Hey Peggy!
Glad you got a good laugh out of my dating disaster! I do have a few others for another time.
drunk, clown make up, and vomit. I think I know this girl. I think she was every chick I went to high school with. *shudder* However, I love her now for giving me a hilarious story.
congrats to the winner! I missed that story, I’ll have to go back and read it!
Hey Beth!
I am still scarred from it! Yes, we did have a few of those in high school too. Scary stuff.
She sounds like my type of girl! Just joking – I can’t claim to have ever had a date as nightmarishly eventful as that. Licking your face? – give me a golden retriever with bad breath any day. I recall once dating a divorcee who informed me that her ex husband was serving a lengthy prison sentence for murder and that he still had a ‘thing’ for her!
Hey Gary!
OK – now your date sounds downright scary. At least he was behind bars for a long time so you wouldn’t have to worry about him popping up when you were boinking her!
Geez. After reading that dating tale, I am pretty damn glad I’m married. That’s just insanity. If she made a habit of this kind of behavior, she is probably in jail by now, if even alive! You are hysterical. Great story 🙂
Hey Tracy!
Yeah, if this what dating is like now I’m glad to be off the market! Hope she is doing well wherever life took her. Glad you got a good laugh from my nightmare!
I’m so sorry, but the worse it got, the harder I laughed. You are definitely a gentleman to get back on the love train with her! BTW, John and I completed Tough Mudder at Whistler last year. (My first and last, his second) Good on you!
Hey Shelley!
LOL at the love train! More like the ride from Hell!
I am training now for it and over the next three months I should be ready for Tough Mudder! Should be a blast!
Give yourself the damn tickets Phil! That was the best story eva!! Twisted Sister indeed!! I bet you still wake up in cold sweats from that one! Love the ending though. Congrats to Monique R.!! On a phen. story!! Great give-away Phil! Inion 😉
Hey Inion/Mathair!
I am still mentally scarred and partially in denial it ever happened! Yet, it’s true.
Thanks so much for your props and blog love! This was a fun giveaway.
I’m DYING over here! That is the most horrible (and hilarious) date I’ve ever heard!! And the photos you posted were hilarious!
Hey Darcy!
Horrible and hilarious does it justice! Even though as it was happening it was more like a nightmare! Glad you enjoyed my pain!
Yay! I won! Thanks for such a great giveaway!
Oh my! That certainly was a hair raising tale! No, seriously, what a freaking psycho!
Hey Monique!
Congrats and enjoy the show. Maybe your rapey van man cable guy date should have went out with her.
OMG! Scary. Totally freaking scary. No way could I ever top such a horrible date. My 20s were nuts but this takes the cake. Dayyyuuummm. Bitches be crazy!
Hey Kim!
Bitches be crazy! Hahahaha! At times, yes, they might be. This one was a train wreck.
How long did it take before you went out on another date??? Now that’s what I call a bad date!
Congrats to the winner!
Hey Susie!
I think I hid under my bed for a few weeks after that!
Actually, as I was a glutton for punishment I’m sure I went out again a few nights later to a bar or club. I couldn’t help myself back then.
See, this is why FB needs an OMG button. It just seems so wrong to ‘like’ this one, although it is drop dead hilarious.
Thank gods for Google! When I think back to those bad old times, I can’t figure out how any of us ever ended up without vomitous clown-faced partners. I know I dated a few… including Mr. Testosterone You-Can-Tell-I’m-the-Italian-Stud-by-My-Chest-Hair-Forest. Yes, fire was involved. Not caused by candle. Enough said…
Congrats to the winner. I’d love to hear a report on the show, so I can live a little NY vicariously.
Hey Barb!
OMG is right! Yes, looking back it was funny, and scary, at the same time.
Yes, nowadays you can look up most people on the web, but even now they put up fake pics. Catfishing!
After we attend the show I’ll post a writeup.
You HAD to be much younger and
half hammeredoff your game when you waved that chick over, Phil.Q: What stories would we tell if everything went as hoped?
A: Boring ones OR ones you can’t put on your PG13 blog
Hey Gloria!
Yup – young and dumb and horny I guess. What can I say? Those were wild times. Some stories I wish I could forget! Many I can’t place on this blog!
Phil, you were a good sport, to say the least. Fun story!
Hey SmackOfHam!
Thanks for dropping by! Yup – It gave me a story for the ages, and a recurring bad dream!
oh my. what a date! I considered saying “Hi! so glad I found you again!” but I hope I am not that kinda date….
Glad to have found my way here.
Hey Julie!
Thanks for dropping by and commenting! Ha – that would have been a scary joke to play on me!
Hope you follow my blog now. I appreciate it.
Yikes! Yikes! Yikes!
Hey UP!
Yikes for sure. I almost jumped off a moving train. This close…..
Hooooooooly Shit.
thank god I’m not dating, babe.
Congrats for the winner. xx
Hey Kim!
LOL – holy crappola is right! I’m sure we all have our dating nightmare story. I still have to live with this one.
Oh the images of a female Dee Snyder lunging in to kiss you! And her hair caught fire?! I’m shocked that she didn’t burn the restaurant down with so much Aqua Net in her hair. You totally dodged a super-sized bullet on this one, although you did suffer through the date. But it was totally worth it because now you have this story to tell!
Hey Cowboys!
I’m still not sure if I need therapy or not because of this. I still can’t listen to a Twisted Sister song because of this date!
Well now, there’s a story I haven’t heard. Half-burnt hair and vomit all on the first date. And she wondered why you didn’t want to take her home, huh? Classy.
Thanks for sharing – I think.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Hey Patricia!
Yeah – it was the date that just kept on giving! Not in a good way either!
OMG…I cannot see because the tears are BLINDING me. (A true Irishman would say the tears were tripping him, but I wasn’t sure how that would go over)
Phil, your story is so funny, my gut is ACHING. I’m glad you survived!
LOLOLOLOLMAOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!
Hey Hazy!
So glad you received so much pleasure out of my pain! 🙂
OMG Phil, that date must have been a nightmare. I felt for you as I was reading. Phewwy! So glad that you have turned your leaf from being a bad boy to being a home boy!
Hey Victoria!
It was one of those times in life that I will never forget! Karma sure bit me in the ass on that one!