Christmas, yes, we are here again. There are those who embrace the holidays and those who shudder at the thought of them. Hey, at least it’s almost hitting 70 degrees here in NYC. In December. Yeah, there’s no such thing as global warming you say? Time to break out the mistletoe speedos and throw a shrimp on the barbie!
When someone offers you egg nog at a friend or family’s house you drink the nog. Especially if it has real booze in it. Because nog dammit! Don’t worry about the fat and calories. Just release your gluttonous desires and drink up! It’s Christmas time! Break out the sweatpants!
Oh, and if National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation or Elf is on TV you watch them. It’s tradition, and also because they are goofy fun. Why watch the depressing It’s a Wonderful Life when you can view Cousin Eddie driving Clark Griswold absolutely nuts. Pop open the Jack Daniels egg nog and drink it right out of the bottle. Squirrel!
If you see one of those mall Santa’s definitely try to get a picture with him. Just don’t cut a line of anxious screaming crying kids and their exasperated parents to do it. An angry suburban soccer mom will cut a bitch! Moms be cray! Also, if you get one of those creepy dudes playing Santa, and you feel what seems to be a candy cane in his pants – Abort! Abort!
You go to or have over certain relatives you can barely stand. You deal with them because it’s within the spirit of the holidays. Can’t we all get along? Peace and goodwill towards men? All the while you’re fantasizing in your mind how you wish the ground would open into flames and the arms of Hades would reach up and swallow them whole. Drink more nog, smile, and nod.
Go to the stores to squeeze in some last-minute shopping. Walmart, KMart, Kohl’s, Target, Macy’s and all those other places the insane hordes of procrastinators head to in panic mode on December 24th. I won’t be there. Oh hell no. You can be “that guy” or the “crazed couponer” doing battle over some junk electronic gizmo or ugly sweater that will probably be regifted or donated to Goodwill within six months. Life is too short to endure this kind of torture.
If you do venture out at least pick an appropriate gift –
Yes, go to the annual office holiday party. No, don’t get so sloppy drunk that the next day the HR manager has your stuff in a box outside on the sidewalk. If you can’t remember what you did the night before, and who you did it too, you might be in trouble. At least know what you did. If a video of your night ends up on YouTube, or PornHub, then you really had an epic shitshow masterpiece. If you’re going to go out, then go out in a blaze of glory!
Also, if you participate in the office Secret Santa, and receive this as a gift, perhaps it’s time to get your resume together. That, or you have the best coworkers in the world who really get you. They love me! They really love me!
Oh, and if you’re one of those freakazoid parents who insist on having Elf on a Shelf in your house just remember that thing is pure evil. Sure, he might look all cute and innocent, but what he does while you are all sleeping is a totally different story. Just remember to hide all the knives, rope, duct tape, and sharp objects. He’s watching.
As always, thanks for reading and sticking with my madness all year-long. The best gift has been the friendships this blog has cultivated over the time I have been penning it. Even a Bad Santa can be appreciative. Enjoy the day with good friends and loving family, or those that you can kind of tolerate. Drink the nog and blog on into the New Year!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!