As I viewed this past week’s NYC Mayoral debate I could not help but envision it going a bit differently than what I was actually seeing and hearing. After all, it was a bit of high drama mixed in with Saturday Night Live satire and a touch of Three Stooges tomfoolery. I fully expect our next mayor to take his or her oath of office in a clown suit!
Here’s my take on it –
“Welcome to the Democratic Mayoral Debates! Let’s get ready to ruuuuumble! We appreciate all the candidates being here to discuss their platforms and proclaim to the voting public why they should be the next mayor of New York City. God help us. This forum will be broken up into questions that are selected by a group of reporters, call ins from those watching, and also from those following via social networking.”
First question from Richard Wadd Channel 936 NYC cable access –
“As mayor what would you do to help fight crime?”
Christine Quinn – “Well, I have worked for his Emperor, uh, Mayor Bloombito these past 27 years of his dictatorship, I mean, Mayoralship and I know how to battle oversized sugary drinks!”
Anthony Weiner – “Stop asking me about my penis!!!”
Bill Thompson – “mumble mumble mumble…mayor…mumble…”
John Liu – “Out of all the people on this stage why did you place me next to Frankenstein? Holy crap I look like a Twinkie next to the Hindenberg!”
Bill de Blasio – “As Public Advocate I realize most people don’t really know what the heck I do but I’m really tall. Vote for me!”
Next question is coming from Rigor Mortis on Facebook –
“As mayor what would be your stance on stop and frisk?”
CQ – “After working all these years on the Death Star, uh, I mean at City Hall, I know that the public needs a strong master….mayor! I meant mayor!
AW – “My penis is not up for discussion here!!! Also, can you friend me after this? I have some pics to tag you in.”
BT – “mumble…mumble…frisk…mumble…unfair…mumble…”
JL – “Why is this freak standing next to me so tall? WTF? How can he be mayor when he blocks the view of the person behind him at the movies?”
BdB – “Damn, I’m tall. I can dunk a basketball and see over the crowd in a mosh pit at an Anthrax concert.”
Here’s a question called in from Connie Lingus over the phone –
“What will you do differently as mayor during your term?”
CQ – “During my reign as Queen, uh, I mean as dominatrix, no wait, mayor! I meant mayor! As I was saying, as mayor I will keep doing exactly what Lord Vader has instructed me to do. Mike! I meant Mike Bloomberg!
AW – “I am getting tired of these penis questions! This race is about more than my penis! Also, I will make sure everyone has wifi access and Twitter accounts. Obviously, I will also friend you on all your social networks. Whether you want me or not.”
BT – “mumble…mumble…change…mumble…ideas…mumble…”
JL – “Well, first thing would be to get rid of all the tall people in NYC. Guys like The Jolly Green Giant standing next to me ruin every concert and movie I go to! I can’t see. It’s not fair dammit!”
BdB – “I went to high school with Patrick Ewing. I’m really, really tall too.”
Final question comes from Carlos Danger on Twitter – wait, what? Anthony! Put down your cell phone!
“As a candidate for mayor why are you best qualified for the job?”
CQ – “After all these years on Mount Olympus working under Napoleon, uh Mike Bloombito, I have the tools to collect more parking ticket fines and enforce more cray cray rules on the public than ever before! In fact, I am working to pass a bill now to automatically make me mayor before the actual election!”
AW – “Why does every question have to be about my penis?!!! Look, I said I’m sorry, but as we all know, my penis has a mind of it’s own. It goes on Twitter when I’m sleeping. It orders out for Chinese. It goes jogging at midnight. I can’t control it, and as mayor my penis will be up before I am with a morning wood full of ideas! Hey, what’s your Twitter address? Wanna see my big ideas? I’ll tweet you later.”
BT – “mumble…mumble…mayor…me…mumble…want…mumble…”
JL – “Look, I don’t care what people think about my finance problems and accusations. I’m standing next to the human tree trunk and look like a six year old child! Why did you make me stand here? I can do this job! Heck, even Dictator Bloomberg is only five feet tall! I can take him! I know I can!”
BdB – “Being one of the tallest men to ever run for mayor I can see over all the candidates, save kittens from trees without a ladder, paint ceilings just by reaching up – and hot damn I’m tall! Vote me in as your mayor and I’ll beat any other city’s mayor in a one on one basketball game!”
“Thank you all for coming and participating. This concludes the first of three televised debates scheduled between the candidates for NYC mayor. Oh, the torture.”