As I viewed this past week’s NYC Mayoral debate I could not help but envision it going a bit differently than what I was actually seeing and hearing. After all, it was a bit of high drama mixed in with Saturday Night Live satire and a touch of Three Stooges tomfoolery. I fully expect our next mayor to take his or her oath of office in a clown suit!
Here’s my take on it –
Moderator –
“Welcome to the Democratic Mayoral Debates! Let’s get ready to ruuuuumble! We appreciate all the candidates being here to discuss their platforms and proclaim to the voting public why they should be the next mayor of New York City. God help us. This forum will be broken up into questions that are selected by a group of reporters, call ins from those watching, and also from those following via social networking.”
First question from Richard Wadd Channel 936 NYC cable access –
“As mayor what would you do to help fight crime?”
Christine Quinn – “Well, I have worked for his Emperor, uh, Mayor Bloombito these past 27 years of his dictatorship, I mean, Mayoralship and I know how to battle oversized sugary drinks!”
Anthony Weiner – “Stop asking me about my penis!!!”
Bill Thompson – “mumble mumble mumble…mayor…mumble…”
John Liu – “Out of all the people on this stage why did you place me next to Frankenstein? Holy crap I look like a Twinkie next to the Hindenberg!”
Bill de Blasio – “As Public Advocate I realize most people don’t really know what the heck I do but I’m really tall. Vote for me!”
Next question is coming from Rigor Mortis on Facebook –
“As mayor what would be your stance on stop and frisk?”
CQ – “After working all these years on the Death Star, uh, I mean at City Hall, I know that the public needs a strong master….mayor! I meant mayor!
AW – “My penis is not up for discussion here!!! Also, can you friend me after this? I have some pics to tag you in.”
BT – “mumble…mumble…frisk…mumble…unfair…mumble…”
JL – “Why is this freak standing next to me so tall? WTF? How can he be mayor when he blocks the view of the person behind him at the movies?”
BdB – “Damn, I’m tall. I can dunk a basketball and see over the crowd in a mosh pit at an Anthrax concert.”
Here’s a question called in from Connie Lingus over the phone –
“What will you do differently as mayor during your term?”
CQ – “During my reign as Queen, uh, I mean as dominatrix, no wait, mayor! I meant mayor! As I was saying, as mayor I will keep doing exactly what Lord Vader has instructed me to do. Mike! I meant Mike Bloomberg!
AW – “I am getting tired of these penis questions! This race is about more than my penis! Also, I will make sure everyone has wifi access and Twitter accounts. Obviously, I will also friend you on all your social networks. Whether you want me or not.”
BT – “mumble…mumble…change…mumble…ideas…mumble…”
JL – “Well, first thing would be to get rid of all the tall people in NYC. Guys like The Jolly Green Giant standing next to me ruin every concert and movie I go to! I can’t see. It’s not fair dammit!”
BdB – “I went to high school with Patrick Ewing. I’m really, really tall too.”
Final question comes from Carlos Danger on Twitter – wait, what? Anthony! Put down your cell phone!
“As a candidate for mayor why are you best qualified for the job?”
CQ – “After all these years on Mount Olympus working under Napoleon, uh Mike Bloombito, I have the tools to collect more parking ticket fines and enforce more cray cray rules on the public than ever before! In fact, I am working to pass a bill now to automatically make me mayor before the actual election!”
AW – “Why does every question have to be about my penis?!!! Look, I said I’m sorry, but as we all know, my penis has a mind of it’s own. It goes on Twitter when I’m sleeping. It orders out for Chinese. It goes jogging at midnight. I can’t control it, and as mayor my penis will be up before I am with a morning wood full of ideas! Hey, what’s your Twitter address? Wanna see my big ideas? I’ll tweet you later.”
BT – “mumble…mumble…mayor…me…mumble…want…mumble…”
JL – “Look, I don’t care what people think about my finance problems and accusations. I’m standing next to the human tree trunk and look like a six year old child! Why did you make me stand here? I can do this job! Heck, even Dictator Bloomberg is only five feet tall! I can take him! I know I can!”
BdB – “Being one of the tallest men to ever run for mayor I can see over all the candidates, save kittens from trees without a ladder, paint ceilings just by reaching up – and hot damn I’m tall! Vote me in as your mayor and I’ll beat any other city’s mayor in a one on one basketball game!”
Moderator –
“Thank you all for coming and participating. This concludes the first of three televised debates scheduled between the candidates for NYC mayor. Oh, the torture.”
What are the residency requirements to run for Mayor of NYC?
I’ll move there and run on the Dumbass Ticket!
Hey Fearless!
Requirements? Other than being morally and ethically bankrupt? Pretty much there are none. Dumbass Ticket for sure!
Oh, havingTweets of your penis out there or banging prositutes also helps!
Fearless Leader: Dumbass Party Write In Candidate for Mayor of NYC!
Vote for Dumbassery over moral and ethical corruption!
Hey Fearless!
I’ll run on that ticket with you! We need more dumbasses in office!
I have a running mate for NYC mayor!
Fearless & Phil!
We can be bought and paid for for a lot less than those other Dipshits in the race!
Donate to the cause!
Big Gulps and Sea Salt in every kitchen!
Yes! AMURRICA!
So they’re talking about the issues… LOL!
Hey Kitt!
For some reason I think tonight’s debate might just be a copy of this post.
I really want to see this turn into a Jerry Springer episode!
Funny post 🙂 It does seem like the race for NYC mayor is turning into a joke. At least you can find the funny side of it, love the graphics, very funny!
Hey Ann!
Glad you got a good laugh. You have to joke around about it. It’s so bad it’s funny!
It’s hard for Weiner to get over his weineriffic past, isn’t it. LOL Hey, remember that time Arnold Schwarzenegger ran for Governor of California… and WON?!
Jules of Canines & Couture
http://www.caninesandcouture.com
Hey Jules!
It’s a weineriffic mayor’s race! If Arnold can become the Governator than I dread having this weiner as our mayor! 🙂
If I had my vote, I’d say BT’s the winner of this debate. He really nailed down the issues.
Hey Suzanne!
I agree! He did say so much and very eloquently I might add!
Politics are so broken! #sad
UP
…but this post is not!
Awesome funny read.
I’m texting both of my followers.
UP
Hey UP!
Hahaha! So glad you liked this one. Thanks for spreading around my warped viewpoints!
Hello UP!
Broken and beyond repair! Can’t we trade it all in for a new model?
“Here’s a tissue for your issues.” Is that wrong? We could learn a lot from Austin Powers and fazhuah… Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
Hey Lucy!
I’m hoooooome!
Oh, don’t you know it. We are so messed up here.
Wow, does NYC promote write ins? Man, hate to sound old fashioned but does even a smidgen of patriotic America, even a little, just a little bit of upstanding values matter anymore?
Hey Peggy!
I feel the same as you. It’s like we are stuck voting for the least soiled candidate! No one is totally free of any dirt nowadays.
Don’t know of them all but the ones I do, you nailed it. Wonder which one will end up wearing the clown suit.
Hey Karen!
Honestly, I think all of them could sport the clown suit at this point!
Clownsuits at dawn then until the battle is won!
Kate x
Hey Kate!
That would be epic! Put them on a field and have them attack each other with rubber chickens!
Wondering what would politicians do if we actually had qualification requirements that mattered. Personally I’d vote for the Dumbass Ticket at this point!
Can’t wait to follow the rest of the debates.
Hey Lady Bren!
If we actually had those we would have no candidates!
Seems like all we have here are dumbasses anyway! 🙂
HOWLING!
You need to be a write-in candidate, Phil. “I write killer satire, and get a
licklook at my post-training pecs!”“Hey, Weiner! Anyone ever compare you with a Brat? No? Didn’t think so. Nanner, Nanner. Get a
licklook at my post-training pecs!”Hey Gloria!
You can take a lick at my pecs anytime! LOL!
Glad you approve of my satire skills. One of many that I have! 😉
People in line waiting to vote, scrolling through their phones:
“I still can’t decide, let me see that last guy’s penis again. I don’t know.”
Hey Joy!
Hahahaha! The Twittering will be out of control!
I have to support the Dumbass ticket.
An honest Dumbass is much better than a dishonest, morally bankrupt “smart guy”.
I see the headlines now “Dumbasses take over NYC” Things could only get better.
Hello Tim!
I think we all should support the Dumbass Ticket. Seems as if they are the best choice to lead us. Better a dumbass than just an ass!