First things first. Happy New Year! Here’s to a healthy, happy, safe, and prosperous 2018!
I don’t know where you all live, but it’s freaking cold here in the Northeast. As cold as a polar bear’s anus. Colder than Jack Frost’s taint. So cold that my sphincter packed up and moved to Miami for the winter! All it left behind was a post-it note telling me it decided to live the life of a “snow bird”. Adios amigo!
I won’t even tell you where it adhered the note to. Let’s just say it was a rude awakening when I got up this morning and stumbled half asleep into the bathroom. Inconsiderate bastard didn’t even say goodbye! That’s what I get for all those years of a “soft touch” and Cottonelle. No appreciation whatsoever! Continue reading Happy 2018! New Me. New You. Oh, Stop The BS!
Am I the only one that loathes the bombardment of Christmas commercials and decorations that we are subjected to these weeks before Thanksgiving? It’s already been one of those weeks here in NYC and I feel as if I’m being abused by the Elf on the Shelf. Now let’s be real here for a moment. That damn thing is creepy. No way do I want a psychopath elf in my house. I don’t know why this strange tradition was started anyway. It’s supposed to be moved to a different spot each night or something. Yeah, let’s traumatize our kids. No, let’s terrorize me because if that little bastard shows up in a different spot other than where I left him I’m burning down the damn house! I freak out a bit when I can’t find my keys and swear something moved them. Anyone remember that evil little Zuni fetish doll in the movie Trilogy of Terror? Yeah THAT evil effing thing that chased Karen Black around and attacked her. I just know that damn elf is the reincarnation of that crazy little shit. Waiting. Plotting. He’s as bad as a creepy clown.
Almost. Clowns suck too. And dolls. They also suck. Nope. Nope. Noppity Nope. Continue reading Buffalo Snow, Elf on a Shelf, Cocaine – All kinds of crazy stuff!
Now that we are firmly past Thanksgiving and heading fast towards Christmas I really have to breathe a sigh of relief that Black Friday and Cyber Monday are done and finished. I am not a fan of either. No way in heck will you find me shopping on Black Friday – the only shopping day of the year where there is a body count! Especially if you dare challenge your life expectancy by heading over to Walmart! From what I have read and seen on the news it’s like the zombie apocalypse unleashed and they are all attacking each other over a toaster. I just don’t get the attraction of hitting an overcrowded store on the same exact day that almost the whole population of the country packs into it. Obnoxious and unruly people, long lines, aggravation, screaming kids, and the list goes on and on. Many times the store runs out of advertised inventory, and more so because most special sales items are in limited supply. That why you have these idiots camping out overnight outside on the sidewalk to make sure they get that blender, ugly sweater, or B-grade flat screen on sale! Woo Hoo! Then, be prepared to be assaulted by throngs of the undead as they push themselves past the doors at opening time. Fun stuff!
Continue reading Black Friday, Cyber Monday, White Peeps? Bah! Humbug!
Ok, what the hell is going on here? Enough of the cold raw weather already. ENOUGH! It’s like Spring has taken a nap, gone on vacation, or just turned off the switch and forgot to flip it back on. Spring is toying with us here in the Northeast. It temps us with a few nice days and Spring-like temperatures, then pulls a Fall-like day out of it’s ass and dumps a chilly day like today on us. I mean, what the heck are you doing Spring? Are you drunk or something? Why you hating on us? Where has the love gone? You’ve lost that lovin’ feeeeeeeling……. Continue reading Go home Spring you’re drunk!