Tag Archives: sneezing

Hey NYC parents – your spawn are not my problem!

Just be warned in case you ask me to watch your kid......
Just be warned in case you ask me to watch your kid……

Did she just really ask me to watch her spawn from Hell? Now, I am a responsible kind of fellow, and maybe I have that composure of which people seem to trust me for some reason. Yet, here I am baffled as to why someone would entrust a complete stranger with their DNA which plopped out from between their legs in a moment of excruciating agony. Hey, that was your choice lady, not mine. I am childfree by choice, and live a totally fulfilling life, thank you very much. The last thing I want to do is watch your crying, screaming, annoying child while you head to the bathroom to take a dump. Now don’t get me wrong, as I don’t hate childen, no really, but I am just not parent material. People constantly tell me and my gal that I look like I’d make a great dad. Bwahahahahaha! Yeah, this guy who still likes to go out drinking too much, partying too hard, and lives life on a whim. Sorry, I just don’t want to be trapped and looking miserable as I see so many parents here in NYC are. You know the type. They are pushing an oversized baby carriage, or carrying around their kid in a sack on their chest like an albatross around their necks. That forlorn look of despair in their eyes with a silent cry for help as they desperately seek an escape from the eternal situation they got themselves into. As I view these people I can only wonder if they rue the day they discarded their freedom in a moment of breeding frenzy. All it takes is a minute of ejactulatory bliss in exchange for twenty years of a parental jail sentence. Awww heck no. Sorry, it’s just not for me. Continue reading Hey NYC parents – your spawn are not my problem!

The infuriating freakshow follies of lunchtime in NYC.

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What is the deal with some people and their lunchtime eating habits? Here in NYC we are surrounded by places to eat lunch from delis, to bodegas, restaurants, and fast food. One of the most common during the workdays that many of us frequent are the multi-station delis with the hot and cold pay by the pound buffets. Nothing wrong with this as I enjoy getting my lunch off of these throughout the week, and I can mix and match whatever strikes my fancy at the time. Except when I have to deal with the general public and the nasty things I see them do around these food stations. Just a few examples of what we encounter on a daily basis when out foraging for a lunch meal –

1) The inconsiderate jerk who sneezes into the food. Nothing grosses me out more than when I see someone sneeze right onto the open food stations and doesn’t even bother to cover their nose. It’s like a watching a high power water sprinkler blast everything with mucus spray and disease. I swear this is how everyone will become infected and start the zombie apocalypse. It won’t start at some CDC center or faraway land. It will begin in the tray of baked salmon and soba noodles at my local deli. Continue reading The infuriating freakshow follies of lunchtime in NYC.