So, I went to meet my gal at Penn Station the other night after she went out to spend the day with relatives and the first thing she says when she sees me?
“Someone took a huge dump on the train platform! Not just one, but three giant piles of turds!” I laughed, and suggested that maybe it was someone’s dog that pooped there. “Hell no!” she stated. “That was human dukies. No way was that some Pomeranian poop! She was obviously disgusted. Perhaps a bit mortified.
Of course, being the jaded New Yorker that I am I wanted to go down and take pictures of this monster pile of human excrement, but the look she gave me with the side-eye suggested otherwise if I knew what was good for me. Heck, I have enough food porn pics on my cell phone, so why not just add this to my collection? Salad pic. Soup pic. Salmon pic. Dessert pic. Giant turd pic. Fits right in! Continue reading Is That a Human Turd? The Mysteries of NYC Living.
Why is it that these things always seem to happen to me?
Just recently on the way to work I jumped into a crowded subway car, and of course as is my normal luck, be trapped in an uncomfortable situation. No, not the kind where someone is grinding up against you and getting their jollies. That happens so often here in NYC during rush hour it’s almost part of the daily commute. No, this was actually worse. The guy standing right next to me, almost in my lap actually, smelled like festering day old bologna. No joke. It’s almost as if he had a salami sandwich stuffed into his underwear. Oh yeah, the AC was also not really working in this car.
Then, the worst thing you can hear during a moment like this. “Due to a signal malfunction we are being held here until we get the ok to proceed”. Oh hell no. Stuck between stations for who knows how long, and with no windows open to let out the stench of rotting deli meat. This subway car was so packed no one could move. Even worse was I think the guy behind me was really grinding against my ass. All I kept thinking was that I was going to walk into work smelling like this bologna guy and my coworkers would want to fumigate the office.
So here I am wedged between a roll of human liverwurst and a giant Chihuahua dry humping my leg. Could this day get any worse? You bet it can! Continue reading Days like this make you wish you had stayed in bed!
Sometimes you read and come across some strange things during the course of the week.
I just read a news article about a hot dog vendor here in NYC that is selling those dirty water dogs along with hot pretzels for $30. Yes – thirty freaking dollars! Are you kidding me? Now, I can see paying maybe $2 for one of those belly bombers but this insane. Obviously, he is feasting upon visitors from overseas that know no better, and even though I’m not a huge fan of most annoying tourists, along with the bridge and tunnel suburbanite crowd that piles into the city on the weekends, even I would put a stop to this jerk if I saw him trying to rip off someone like this. Heck, even I have a bit of ethics in me believe it or not. Maybe sell it for $10…….
Another thing I read today was the story of how a girl’s sweet 16 party was bombarded by flying poop out of the sky! The family and friends were having a get together for her big birthday when feces just came out of the heavens and rained down upon them. They are assuming it was from a plane that had passed and somehow unloaded it’s crapper. Now, my mom and older relatives would always say it’s good luck when a bird poops on you, but I wonder if that would also hold true if big ‘ol Billy Bob dumped his bowels on your head from way up high? Continue reading Fleet Week, Letterman, NYC News, and $30 hot dogs.
I made a mortal mistake yesterday. It’s one of those things that every New Yorker is aware of, and only non-knowing amateurs stumble into. Being a seasoned NYC inhabitant I just don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was a moment of blissful ignorance as I was heading home from work with my earbuds in and rocking out to my favorite tunes. Perhaps I just had a brain fart and didn’t realize until it was too late. I did the one thing we all know never to do.
I walked into an empty subway car on the way home from work yesterday.
I should have immediately recognized the tell-tale warning signs. Rush hour crowds on the platform. The crowded subway cars rolling by as the train pulled in. The two adjoined cars before and after it filled with commuters. Whatever made me enter that empty subway car is beyond me, but I did stupidly do it in a blindly bad moment of decision-making. What’s worse is that I did not even realize what I had done before it was too late and the doors closed right behind me. I was oblivious to those entering and running out as if they were getting attacked by a swarm of hornets. As soon as that disgustingly pungent stomach turning aroma hit me I knew I was in a heap of trouble. Yet, escape was not an option. It was too late. Continue reading The Danger of Entering an Empty NYC Subway Car!