First things first. Happy New Year! Here’s to a healthy, happy, safe, and prosperous 2018!
I don’t know where you all live, but it’s freaking cold here in the Northeast. As cold as a polar bear’s anus. Colder than Jack Frost’s taint. So cold that my sphincter packed up and moved to Miami for the winter! All it left behind was a post-it note telling me it decided to live the life of a “snow bird”. Adios amigo!
I won’t even tell you where it adhered the note to. Let’s just say it was a rude awakening when I got up this morning and stumbled half asleep into the bathroom. Inconsiderate bastard didn’t even say goodbye! That’s what I get for all those years of a “soft touch” and Cottonelle. No appreciation whatsoever! Continue reading Happy 2018! New Me. New You. Oh, Stop The BS!
Holy crap, what the heck am I doing out here in 26 degree weather? I think I’ve made a huge mistake!
My slightly warped mind always seems to head back to that episode of Seinfeld. Whenever I am subjected to some pretty brutal weather conditions which makes my nether regions retreat up into my body like a turtle hiding in it’s shell. When it’s that cold outside in NYC, “shrinkage” is the appropriate reasoning for any gent trying to defend the rationale of “diminished manhood”!
I was shrinkage, Jerry! SHRINKAGE!!! Continue reading It was shrinkage, Jerry! Shrinkage! It was cold outside!
Has anyone noticed the world is going a bit nutty lately?
I mean, really, some idiot tried to detonate a makeshift pipe bomb strapped to his chest in the NYC subway? Then, pretty much almost blew himself up because this self-proclaimed terrorist lunatic did not know what he was doing? He picked out a busy tunnel walkway because it had Christmas advertising, which he hated, and it was the morning rush hour. Forget the pipe bomb almost killing him. He is lucky that angry New Yorkers on their way to work did not tear him apart! You don’t mess with us during our morning commute, as most are in an angry mood already dealing with getting to work, and on a mission to get from Point A to Point B. Get outta my way!
Especially if we didn’t have our morning “Cup O’Joe” yet! Continue reading You don’t mess with NYC during the morning rush. The MTA already angers us enough.
Just like death, taxes, and the Jets always losing there is one constant in life for New Yorkers. That, my friends, is the NYC MTA subway system breaking down on a Monday morning!
It never fails. No matter what the weather conditions are, or the time of year, you can almost schedule it like clockwork that on Monday mornings during rush hour you will be greeted by delays. It’s always the same jumble of convoluted double-speak that you can barely decipher being announced on the barely comprehensible public address system. I think this is done on purpose.
As I descended to the subway platform this rainy morning it was nothing but mixed mumbo-jumbo at 8am. The last thing anyone wants to hear to start off the week. As if Monday’s don’t suck enough after a nice weekend that always ends too soon. Continue reading Bozo the MTA, and the Normal Monday Gut Punch.