Christmas, yes, we are here again. There are those who embrace the holidays and those who shudder at the thought of them. Hey, at least it’s almost hitting 70 degrees here in NYC. In December. Yeah, there’s no such thing as global warming you say? Time to break out the mistletoe speedos and throw a shrimp on the barbie!
When someone offers you egg nog at a friend or family’s house you drink the nog. Especially if it has real booze in it. Because nog dammit! Don’t worry about the fat and calories. Just release your gluttonous desires and drink up! It’s Christmas time! Break out the sweatpants!
Oh, and if National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation or Elf is on TV you watch them. It’s tradition, and also because they are goofy fun. Why watch the depressing It’s a Wonderful Life when you can view Cousin Eddie driving Clark Griswold absolutely nuts. Pop open the Jack Daniels egg nog and drink it right out of the bottle. Squirrel! Continue reading The Zen of Egg Nog in a Griswold Christmas Kind of World
Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Santa made his appointed rounds last night and here we are at another NYC Christmas. He committed breaking and entering and snuck in while you were all sleeping to deposit who knows what in your households. Rummaging through your panty drawers. Oh, don’t mind that thing floating in your toilet. Consider it a “personal” gift from the jolly fat man himself. He might also have a few thousand illegitimate little elves running around the house by this time next year. Good luck getting him on the Maury show as Santa only “comes” one a year. Hey, his magical Viagra is quite potent and maybe hanging that mistletoe in your doorway might not have been a good idea in hindsight. Santa needs a little extra oomph to get him through a long evening of gift giving!
Now that it’s Christmas morning we can all look forward to a house full of joy and merriment. The horrendous trips to the mall are over. Shopping alongside hordes of unruly people, and zombies, are done. Kids running around screaming and tearing into presents. Mom and dad fighting over the presents they gave each other, or didn’t. The family members near and far that you can’t tolerate arriving and making a mess of your place, along with emptying out your liquor cabinet. You get stuck cooking for everyone. The bathroom gets bombed and the john overflows. Fa la la la la – shoot me now. Continue reading Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays from NYC Bad Santa!
Seriously, what the heck are you dragging around in there? I have often wondered that myself on a daily basis here in NYC as I see people from all walks of life wearing backbacks nowadays. Growing up I never wore one of these things. In fact, I never even owned one until recently when I received it as a reward for a charity event I participated in. I used it once to carry my necessities to the Tough Mudder I did a few months back. Now it sits in a corner of my closet gathering dust and taking up space. I just don’t get why so many people see fit to wear these things every day back and forth to work or wherever they are going. I hate carrying around anything extra with me, or on me, when heading out of our apartment. I like to be loose and free. It just irritates me to no end when some of these backpack morons push into a crowded subway car wearing these things and blast me with it. Common courtesy dictates one takes it off when we are all packed in like sardines in the human orgy and non-consenting grinder that is the NYC subway system. Bad enough when some weirdo stranger, smelly dude, or over perfumed lady is rubbing up against you in a not so convivial or welcomed manner. Hey, rush hour on the NYC MTA will certainly force you to know your fellow New Yorkers up close and personal whether you like it or not! Having a backpack slammed into your face is even better! Not! I almost went all “road rage” on some hipster doofus the other day who kept hitting into me with it but refused to take it off. Really, what is so important that you need this thing attached to you? What are you hiding in there? Hmmmmm…….. Continue reading Hey NYC – What the heck is in that backpack?
Here we are one day before Christmas and like the typical guy I am still shopping for last minute presents. I don’t mean to do this to myself every year. Why do I put myself through this torture? I know months in advance what I need to get and for whom I am shopping for, yet I put it off until Christmas week. I refuse to do the whole Black Friday and Cyber Monday madness. I guess I am a glutton for holiday punishment. What I will do though is take advantage of the crazy hours the stores stay open this week. With many of the major retailers staying open 24 hours a day I don’t mind at all going shopping after midnight. This way I avoid most of the obnoxious shopper crowd. I did just that the other night at Macy’s here in NYC. The store was kind of empty which was a pleasant surprise, but at 2AM it’s kind of a freak show in this part of town. Idiot parents, crazy weather, smelly cab drivers, etc
Time for a Christmas rant, along with the presents I would want Santa to give them! Continue reading A Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays rant!