Tag Archives: funny

Moist Balls! I don’t think anybody saw that coming!

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Well, the past few months have been quite a change for me. I don’t think many people saw that coming. Not even myself!

Who the heck would have thought that I would make a major life change such as abstaining from red meats, chicken, pork, and most booze. All the things that give me the warm fuzzies. Well, as for the booze let’s just say I cut back significantly, but ain’t no way I’m giving up a tasty cold brew now and then. Especially with warm swampass weather already hitting NYC.

Oh yeah, what the heck is Mother Nature doing? Not only do we get her bi-polar ass messing with the whole Winter, then screwing up our Spring when it seemed like the ice age was making a comeback, but now she is subjecting us to premature SWAMPASS heat! Sorry, but it’s not supposed to be close to 90 degrees in May! Well, there goes my electric bill. The air conditioning in our apartment has been working overtime already. I like to sleep in comfortable sub-arctic conditions. If I can see my breath in the air while laying in bed I’m a happy boy! Just throw on a comforter and a blanket and wrap yourself in. Boom. Like one giant pink naked “pig in a blanket”. (Damn, I miss eating those.)

No one wants to have moist balls. MOIST BALLS. Yes, MOIST. Yeah, I said it. That WORD. (I know how so many people hate that word.) Good, now you all have the image of my balls being moist in your mind. You’re welcome. Moist. Continue reading Moist Balls! I don’t think anybody saw that coming!

Snowmageddon 2016! Buy All The Stuff In NYC!

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Oh, come on now people! They are talking a little snowfall and everyone is acting as if in panic apocalypse mode at the supermarkets!

We have had nothing but mild weather this winter so far so no one should be complaining about the recent spate of colder air. Heck, its January 21, don’t you all think that old man icy butt himself would show up sooner or later? I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt the day before Christmas. Doesn’t that alarm anyone? I’m not saying that global warming is a thing, but when I’m almost naked running through the streets of NYC when I should be bundled up like an Eskimo perhaps there might be a bit of a cause for concern?

It’s pretty interesting to observe how a snow forecast can dissolve the resolve of even the most hearty individuals into frantically frightened nincompoops. I experienced this first hand last night when I dropped into the supermarket to pick up some things for dinner. Here it was only Wednesday and the store was packed as everyone was in a mad dash to glom every carton of eggs, gallon of milk, and roll of toilet paper in sight! How much can one poop in two days? Do people think that we are going to be stranded as a civilization for months upon months with no supplies when all we are forecasted to receive is around 12 inches of snow? Manhattan might only get 4-6 inches. What is wrong with people? This ain’t Castaway where we will all go insane and end up talking to a volleyball. Wilson!!! Continue reading Snowmageddon 2016! Buy All The Stuff In NYC!

Heading into 2016 at Ludicrous Speed! Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all! It’s been one a heck of a ride in 2015 hasn’t it?

Well, here we are fresh into the New Year and with 2015 in the rear view mirror I am looking forward to see what awaits me in the next twelve months. This past year has been one of many ups and down in my life. The passing of loved ones, completing another mudder race for charity, many food and drinking adventures with friends, travel abroad, work stress along with work success, attending concerts of my fav bands while seeing some play their last shows, Broadway events, friends getting married, along with many laughs, tears, trials and tribulations along the way. As always, my rock along the way keeping me honest, and on the straight and narrow has been my gal Stacey. Sometimes I wonder why she still sticks with me as I must be a lot to handle, but for some reason she puts up with my stubbornness and shenanigans. Guess she loves me and my crazy ways. Here’s to more fun in 2016!

Eat more salads. Yeah, I know it’s pretty basic and kind of cliché when Jan 1 comes around to start a diet but I really need to cut back on the meat and crappy food eating. Gotta get those greens in even if it means sacrificing my love of greasy crispy delicious bacon. Sigh.

Jump out of a plane, climb a volcano, surf in shark infested waters, complete the NYC Marathon, run with the bulls, kayak over a waterfall, have an extreme enema, find Waldo. Screw it. I’ll just have some deep-fried Oreos and a nap.

Stop fretting over the little things. As long as I remember that we are all surrounded by assholes it will be ok. Continue reading Heading into 2016 at Ludicrous Speed! Happy New Year!

The Zen of Egg Nog in a Griswold Christmas Kind of World

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Christmas, yes, we are here again. There are those who embrace the holidays and those who shudder at the thought of them. Hey, at least it’s almost hitting 70 degrees here in NYC. In December. Yeah, there’s no such thing as global warming you say? Time to break out the mistletoe speedos and throw a shrimp on the barbie!

When someone offers you egg nog at a friend or family’s house you drink the nog. Especially if it has real booze in it. Because nog dammit! Don’t worry about the fat and calories. Just release your gluttonous desires and drink up! It’s Christmas time! Break out the sweatpants!

Oh, and if National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation or Elf is on TV you watch them. It’s tradition, and also because they are goofy fun. Why watch the depressing It’s a Wonderful Life when you can view Cousin Eddie driving Clark Griswold absolutely nuts. Pop open the Jack Daniels egg nog and drink it right out of the bottle. Squirrel! Continue reading The Zen of Egg Nog in a Griswold Christmas Kind of World