As I am turning into a human bathhouse walking the streets of NYC I look around and view people of all types seemingly oblivious to the NYC summer heat and humidity. I don’t get it. There are those walking past me with layers of clothes on, heavy jackets, and thick jeans. Like it’s cold out. I am not kidding here as during my 5 mile run last night in Central Park I actually saw a dude jogging in jeans! IN JEANS! Can you just imagine peeling those off after that? Muenster cheese anyone?
Pretty much how I feel walking around NYC during this heat and humidity – Continue reading I am judging you. I’m judging you hard, New Yorkers.
So, I went to meet my gal at Penn Station the other night after she went out to spend the day with relatives and the first thing she says when she sees me?
“Someone took a huge dump on the train platform! Not just one, but three giant piles of turds!” I laughed, and suggested that maybe it was someone’s dog that pooped there. “Hell no!” she stated. “That was human dukies. No way was that some Pomeranian poop! She was obviously disgusted. Perhaps a bit mortified.
Of course, being the jaded New Yorker that I am I wanted to go down and take pictures of this monster pile of human excrement, but the look she gave me with the side-eye suggested otherwise if I knew what was good for me. Heck, I have enough food porn pics on my cell phone, so why not just add this to my collection? Salad pic. Soup pic. Salmon pic. Dessert pic. Giant turd pic. Fits right in! Continue reading Is That a Human Turd? The Mysteries of NYC Living.
Am I weirdo magnet?
That is a question I ask myself constantly while living in NYC. Well actually, just not here but it seems pretty much everywhere I travel. I just don’t get it. They come out of the woodwork, out of the shadows, out of the dark corners of my mind to confront me in the strangest of ways. Now, I know that living in NYC it’s pretty much weirdo central. From what I have been told only a few spots rival it. Maine for one?
Just the other night it happened to me again. I had nothing much planned so I took my computer downtown to a nice coffee-house that stays open until midnight and offers free WiFi, along with a really tasty iced café mocha I must say. I was minding my own business doing some work on my resume and job hunt. Earbuds in and listening to my tunes. Every once in a while, I looked up and noticed the place was busy but not totally packed. There was a jumble of empty seats spread throughout. They are basically round tables for two. Of course, as with any coffee joint the tables near outlets are at a premium. WiFi hogs such as myself covet these. I noticed this one dude sitting alone at a table along the windows by one of these. He was not drinking or eating anything. Just sitting there. For an hour. Staring ahead into space. Like one of those creepers you see in a club at the edge of the dance floor holding a beer and leering at the girls dancing. Yes, that guy.
The one you hope does not approach you. Continue reading Am I A Weirdo Magnet?
Why is it that these things always seem to happen to me?
Just recently on the way to work I jumped into a crowded subway car, and of course as is my normal luck, be trapped in an uncomfortable situation. No, not the kind where someone is grinding up against you and getting their jollies. That happens so often here in NYC during rush hour it’s almost part of the daily commute. No, this was actually worse. The guy standing right next to me, almost in my lap actually, smelled like festering day old bologna. No joke. It’s almost as if he had a salami sandwich stuffed into his underwear. Oh yeah, the AC was also not really working in this car.
Then, the worst thing you can hear during a moment like this. “Due to a signal malfunction we are being held here until we get the ok to proceed”. Oh hell no. Stuck between stations for who knows how long, and with no windows open to let out the stench of rotting deli meat. This subway car was so packed no one could move. Even worse was I think the guy behind me was really grinding against my ass. All I kept thinking was that I was going to walk into work smelling like this bologna guy and my coworkers would want to fumigate the office.
So here I am wedged between a roll of human liverwurst and a giant Chihuahua dry humping my leg. Could this day get any worse? You bet it can! Continue reading Days like this make you wish you had stayed in bed!