Am I weirdo magnet?
That is a question I ask myself constantly while living in NYC. Well actually, just not here but it seems pretty much everywhere I travel. I just don’t get it. They come out of the woodwork, out of the shadows, out of the dark corners of my mind to confront me in the strangest of ways. Now, I know that living in NYC it’s pretty much weirdo central. From what I have been told only a few spots rival it. Maine for one?
Just the other night it happened to me again. I had nothing much planned so I took my computer downtown to a nice coffee-house that stays open until midnight and offers free WiFi, along with a really tasty iced café mocha I must say. I was minding my own business doing some work on my resume and job hunt. Earbuds in and listening to my tunes. Every once in a while, I looked up and noticed the place was busy but not totally packed. There was a jumble of empty seats spread throughout. They are basically round tables for two. Of course, as with any coffee joint the tables near outlets are at a premium. WiFi hogs such as myself covet these. I noticed this one dude sitting alone at a table along the windows by one of these. He was not drinking or eating anything. Just sitting there. For an hour. Staring ahead into space. Like one of those creepers you see in a club at the edge of the dance floor holding a beer and leering at the girls dancing. Yes, that guy.
The one you hope does not approach you. Continue reading Am I A Weirdo Magnet?
Why is it that these things always seem to happen to me?
Just recently on the way to work I jumped into a crowded subway car, and of course as is my normal luck, be trapped in an uncomfortable situation. No, not the kind where someone is grinding up against you and getting their jollies. That happens so often here in NYC during rush hour it’s almost part of the daily commute. No, this was actually worse. The guy standing right next to me, almost in my lap actually, smelled like festering day old bologna. No joke. It’s almost as if he had a salami sandwich stuffed into his underwear. Oh yeah, the AC was also not really working in this car.
Then, the worst thing you can hear during a moment like this. “Due to a signal malfunction we are being held here until we get the ok to proceed”. Oh hell no. Stuck between stations for who knows how long, and with no windows open to let out the stench of rotting deli meat. This subway car was so packed no one could move. Even worse was I think the guy behind me was really grinding against my ass. All I kept thinking was that I was going to walk into work smelling like this bologna guy and my coworkers would want to fumigate the office.
So here I am wedged between a roll of human liverwurst and a giant Chihuahua dry humping my leg. Could this day get any worse? You bet it can! Continue reading Days like this make you wish you had stayed in bed!
Sometimes you read and come across some strange things during the course of the week.
I just read a news article about a hot dog vendor here in NYC that is selling those dirty water dogs along with hot pretzels for $30. Yes – thirty freaking dollars! Are you kidding me? Now, I can see paying maybe $2 for one of those belly bombers but this insane. Obviously, he is feasting upon visitors from overseas that know no better, and even though I’m not a huge fan of most annoying tourists, along with the bridge and tunnel suburbanite crowd that piles into the city on the weekends, even I would put a stop to this jerk if I saw him trying to rip off someone like this. Heck, even I have a bit of ethics in me believe it or not. Maybe sell it for $10…….
Another thing I read today was the story of how a girl’s sweet 16 party was bombarded by flying poop out of the sky! The family and friends were having a get together for her big birthday when feces just came out of the heavens and rained down upon them. They are assuming it was from a plane that had passed and somehow unloaded it’s crapper. Now, my mom and older relatives would always say it’s good luck when a bird poops on you, but I wonder if that would also hold true if big ‘ol Billy Bob dumped his bowels on your head from way up high? Continue reading Fleet Week, Letterman, NYC News, and $30 hot dogs.
Do girls poop? I was recently confronted with that question and still pondering an answer. Does anyone really know? It’s one of those mysteries of the universe. When dating we never really see them go to the bathroom to take a hairy dump. If they do go it’s usually for a quick pee so there is no way they can squeeze out a quick one in that time. Not like us dudes as we can clip off some cable in minutes and be right back at the dinner table without missing a beat. Plus, don’t even suggest they go in a public place! That is akin to heresy! Here in NYC there is a definite lack of clean public restrooms to use other than finding a Starbucks without a line of people waiting as long as at the DMV. Even some of those can be pretty scary at times. Women will actually hold it in all day than sacrifice sitting their butt flesh on a foreign toilet seat. Just do the hover! I could never do that to myself. Guys are like bears and the whole city is our woods, or toilet bowl so to speak. I have discovered some ingenious spots to get relief – hotels, restaurants, gyms, porta potties, behind a parked car, etc. Oh, don’t ever ask a girl to go in a porta pottie unless you want to experience the “stink eye” and a smack upside your head. A porta pottie to a women is pretty much the last resort, and like asking them to enter the third portal of Hell itself. There are some things that just can not be unseen in them. Continue reading Do girls poop? That, and other NYC mysteries of flatulence.