Tag Archives: cold

Happy 2018! New Me. New You. Oh, Stop The BS!

First things first. Happy New Year! Here’s to a healthy, happy, safe, and prosperous 2018!

I don’t know where you all live, but it’s freaking cold here in the Northeast. As cold as a polar bear’s anus. Colder than Jack Frost’s taint. So cold that my sphincter packed up and moved to Miami for the winter! All it left behind was a post-it note telling me it decided to live the life of a “snow bird”. Adios amigo!

I won’t even tell you where it adhered the note to. Let’s just say it was a rude awakening when I got up this morning and stumbled half asleep into the bathroom. Inconsiderate bastard didn’t even say goodbye! That’s what I get for all those years of a “soft touch” and Cottonelle. No appreciation whatsoever! Continue reading Happy 2018! New Me. New You. Oh, Stop The BS!

It was shrinkage, Jerry! Shrinkage! It was cold outside!

Holy crap, what the heck am I doing out here in 26 degree weather? I think I’ve made a huge mistake!

My slightly warped mind always seems to head back to that episode of Seinfeld. Whenever I am subjected to some pretty brutal weather conditions which makes my nether regions retreat up into my body like a turtle hiding in it’s shell. When it’s that cold outside in NYC, “shrinkage” is the appropriate reasoning for any gent trying to defend the rationale of “diminished manhood”!

I was shrinkage, Jerry! SHRINKAGE!!! Continue reading It was shrinkage, Jerry! Shrinkage! It was cold outside!

Gonna freeze my nuts off for charity! Cupid’s Undie Run!

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Holy crap what is going on with this weather in NYC? I’m gonna freeze my nuts off tomorrow running outside in the Cupid’s Undie Run! It’s for a great cause so kids with Neurofibromatosis (NF), also known as children’s tumors, can grow up happy and healthy. Worth a bit of shrinkage and hard perky nipples wouldn’t you agree?

Yeah, I’m basically gonna be freezing my man-buns off as I strip down to my underpants to be a part of the Cupid’s Undie Run in the cold on February 13th in NYC along with many others contributing to this children’s cause. So here I am getting talked into doing this after running Warrior Dashes and Tough Mudders. In my undies. In the dead of Winter. At least there will be no obstacles this time. Just some extremely cold air that has invaded the NYC area which would make a polar bear pack up and move to Florida. I think I can handle that. Just have to get through a 1.5 mile run and hit the bar with all my fellow runners and teammates afterwards. Hot toddies please! (I might pour one down my underwear after this run!)

This is the last chance to donate to such a worthwhile cause, and it’s for the kids! Any amount is so appreciated. Link to my charity page –

http://my.cupids.org/PhilipHoltberg

Look, all the talk about shrinkage is real. I need to keep my junk warm so I will have some layers and stuffing going on down there. No one wants a frostbitten hotdog and coconuts! Ouch! Continue reading Gonna freeze my nuts off for charity! Cupid’s Undie Run!

Snowmageddon 2016! Buy All The Stuff In NYC!

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Oh, come on now people! They are talking a little snowfall and everyone is acting as if in panic apocalypse mode at the supermarkets!

We have had nothing but mild weather this winter so far so no one should be complaining about the recent spate of colder air. Heck, its January 21, don’t you all think that old man icy butt himself would show up sooner or later? I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt the day before Christmas. Doesn’t that alarm anyone? I’m not saying that global warming is a thing, but when I’m almost naked running through the streets of NYC when I should be bundled up like an Eskimo perhaps there might be a bit of a cause for concern?

It’s pretty interesting to observe how a snow forecast can dissolve the resolve of even the most hearty individuals into frantically frightened nincompoops. I experienced this first hand last night when I dropped into the supermarket to pick up some things for dinner. Here it was only Wednesday and the store was packed as everyone was in a mad dash to glom every carton of eggs, gallon of milk, and roll of toilet paper in sight! How much can one poop in two days? Do people think that we are going to be stranded as a civilization for months upon months with no supplies when all we are forecasted to receive is around 12 inches of snow? Manhattan might only get 4-6 inches. What is wrong with people? This ain’t Castaway where we will all go insane and end up talking to a volleyball. Wilson!!! Continue reading Snowmageddon 2016! Buy All The Stuff In NYC!