Oh, come on now people! They are talking a little snowfall and everyone is acting as if in panic apocalypse mode at the supermarkets!
We have had nothing but mild weather this winter so far so no one should be complaining about the recent spate of colder air. Heck, its January 21, don’t you all think that old man icy butt himself would show up sooner or later? I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt the day before Christmas. Doesn’t that alarm anyone? I’m not saying that global warming is a thing, but when I’m almost naked running through the streets of NYC when I should be bundled up like an Eskimo perhaps there might be a bit of a cause for concern?
It’s pretty interesting to observe how a snow forecast can dissolve the resolve of even the most hearty individuals into frantically frightened nincompoops. I experienced this first hand last night when I dropped into the supermarket to pick up some things for dinner. Here it was only Wednesday and the store was packed as everyone was in a mad dash to glom every carton of eggs, gallon of milk, and roll of toilet paper in sight! How much can one poop in two days? Do people think that we are going to be stranded as a civilization for months upon months with no supplies when all we are forecasted to receive is around 12 inches of snow? Manhattan might only get 4-6 inches. What is wrong with people? This ain’t Castaway where we will all go insane and end up talking to a volleyball. Wilson!!!
After a few moments of winding through the maddening crowd of idiots I made it to the long checkout line with my salad, chicken, and sweet potatoes. All around me I noticed baskets and shopping carts piled high with grocery items. Stuff that people would normally never buy. Spam for one. Pigs knuckles, fake generic cereals, cream of ass, etc.
Here we go! The testiness starts as some of these trolls get into hissy fits with each other when they bump carts. Always funny to watch two old dudes threaten to go all Rambo on each other over the last loaf of bread. The women are even worse! They will cut a bitch if you take their spot in line, or grab that last box of Maxi Pads off the shelf.
They don’t play.
I just keep my distance and back away slowly. Hold me. I’m scared.
Of course, I was not going to let a good deal go by as I saw Pop Tarts were on sale, so I bought six boxes! Along with Cheese Doodles, and some Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. That’s all I will need to get through the weekend, along with a bottle of Maker’s Mark bourbon sitting on my kitchen table. Now that’s what I call survival mode!
Bear Grylls don’t have nothing on me. I ain’t drinking my own urine!
Also, don’t sweat it people, as we all know Chinese restaurants in NYC never close, even in a blizzard! So feel free to order your sweet and sour chicken, order Netflix and chill.