I had not checked my spam filter for this past week as I was busy out on the road for travel. Denver is a wonderful city to attend a trade show. The hotels are close to the convention center and many terrific restaurants and bars are within walking distance. Craft beer heaven! There’s a bizarre kind of homeless population meandering the 16th Street Mall and downtown area though. Kind of a spaced out hippy trippy crowd mingling in with a stoned skateboarder crowd. So different than what we have here in NYC. It’s always fun to get away for a few days, meet new people in my industry, press the flesh with old friends, do some business, and explore other cities in the good ole USA. It’s a strange land out there across our country for sure, but nevertheless, it’s something worth seeing for yourself across our great land.
Now that I am back home in NYC and playing catch up on my life I decided to take a peek into the old spam filter to see what gems have been deposited there. As all bloggers know there are spam bots constantly looking for ways to place a comment on a post to help promote their own links. The comment is usually 99% of the time totally ridiculous and has nothing to do with what your feature is about. Of course, I delete all of them as we all do, yet there are some that are so “out there” they give me a good chuckle. So once again, for your pleasure, are a few that I decided to showcase here and comment back on.
It is just a total coincidence that this asexual alien appears like an captivating girl. Science!
– Wasn’t that the girl with the three boobies in the news? Prepare yourself for triple anal probing!
A similar story is told about Olson Road in Rochester. The old slaughterhouse on the road seems to disappear and reappear depending on the time of day. Those who have seen it claim that when they tried to find it, the building disappeared again.
– Taking hallucinogenics while eating bacon again I see?
As an owner of a ferret for 18 years, she has a wealth of knowledge that she likes to share with others.
– Wait, you have a talking ferret? Is this a magical ferret? Is this ferret college educated? Can this ferret make me money because that would be fabulous.
What a material of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious knowledge on the topic of unexpected feelings.
– The only feelings I have will be that of joy as I delete your comment from my spam filter!
magnificent points altogether, you simply gained a brand newreader. What may you suggest in regards to your put up that you made a few days ago? Any sure?
– I is a colledge stoodent. I love lamp. Me confused.
Man, you scared to shoot / bullshit me!
– Well, you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. Oh, and just take a step left in front of my rifle target.
Hey fantastic website! Does running a blog like this require a massive amount work? I’ve absolutely no knowledge of coding but I was hoping to start my own blog in the near future. Anyways, if you have any suggestions or techniques for new blog owners please share.
– Thanks I guess, but I barely know how to put on my underwear in the morning much less know about coding a blog!
I know this is off subject nevertheless I simply needed to ask. Kudos!
– If you want to know about my penis just say so! It’s real….and it’s spectacular!
luxury. One of several high heel pumps trend society, Christian Louboutin sale are while stunning along with almost similar to the new style.
– Carrie Bradshaw is reading my blog? Send Samantha over with some cocktails and condoms!
The nocturnal service was just as great as the food was and the dark ambiance was delightful down in the orifice in his maddening cavity of depravity.
– Yes! A politician is reading my posts! Why do I suddenly feel the need to have an exorcism of my blog?
I used to be able to find good information from your blog articles.
– What do you mean “used to”? And now you don’t? What the eff? Well, screw you too!
It’s going to be finish of mine day, but before ending I am reading this enormous paragraph to improve my know-how.
– LOL! If you are trying to learn how to eat and drink your way to oblivion you’ve come to the right blog!
Leave me alone!
– Gladly! Now how do I get you to stop stalking me?
Hey! Someone in my Myspace group shared this website with us so I came to check it out. I’m definitely loving the information. I’m book-marking and will be tweeting this to my followers! Great blog and outstanding style and design.
– Myspace? Did you travel back in time to the 1990’s? Still using a Sony Walkman, flip phone, and Blockbuster Video I would guess.
We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community. Your website provided us with valuable info to work on. You have done a formidable job and our whole community will be grateful to you.
– A new scheme? I would assume I should avoid your community as they might be running after me with pitchforks and baseball bats!
I don’t have a clue!
– That makes two of us!
If it wasn’t for spam I’d get no mail at all…spam I am, I guess.
Nice site…send me some spam.
Hey Jim!
As Monty Python once sang – “Spam Spam Spam Spam Spammity Spam!”
I am glad I found your link at Susie’s blog, I had such fun with your tête-à-tête with the spamsters! It is hard to pick up a favourite but I liked the one that begged to be left alone!
Hey Umashankar!
Thanks for dropping by. Take a seat. Relax. Have some fried eggroll spam. I made it myself. Glad you enjoyed my spam madness.
Spam, hate it. I swear some days there’s nothing and others my folder has a ton. Either way it all gets deleted.
And, you’re right it is nice that in Denver all the hotels are close to the convention center and there are all those yummy (Rioja, my fav.) in walking distance.
Hey Emily!
Rioja is terrific! We did a client dinner there and loved it. No spam on the menu though. Kind of disappointed with that.
Your spam is way more interesting than ours. We usually get more of the Laboutin variety. And there’s this guy Fon Troove who posts like 20 spams in a row. Thank goodness for spam filters.
Hey Cassandra!
I get the guy trying to sell me shoes too. All the time. And handbags. Now if he started to try and sell me spam that would be funny.
Susie sent me!
And it’s not fair that you get such interesting spam! All my spammers seem to be ESL students with some kind of muscle spasm problem.
I want funny spammers too!
Hey, maybe we should start a community where writers can quid-pro-quo spam each others’ sites with hilarious non-sequiturs?
Hey Ensis!
Thanks for dropping by!
You just have to know that if we started a community site for that it would get spammed!
I recently received what is, perhaps, my favorite piece of spam ever. It was from Foot Slave Humiliation Videos. Have you heard fe them?
Loved the MySpace one. Very funny.
Hey Exile!
I am so jelly that you received a Foot Slave Humiliation Videos spam! If you’re going to get spammed, then fetish spam is the way to go!
Susie sent me 🙂
Fantastic post. Though I am new at WordPress it’s posts like these that inspire me to write more. I hope you can take some time and go through my blog. It’s new but your critique can help me hone my art too.
PS: Spam makes most of everyone’s everyday inbox. Be it coupons, offers, news, social networking invites, etc. I guess its the price one pays for being in the virtual neighborhood.
Hey Sahil!
Thanks for dropping by!
Spam is like the fleas of the world. If you have a dog you just know they will attach to it, just like a blog. Damn blood sucking spam!
Phil,
This will be the only time I merely skim your article just to get to my comment below…. but I’ve been patiently waiting for your next Spam Posting! Its got to at least equal the asexual alien girl: Here it is:
You light MY arm pit hair on fire and there’s only two things I’ll be “attentive” on. 1, Putting out the fire and 2, Putting out your lights.
Whoa. Fitting for the Regular Guy Spam Rant eh?!
Hey Peggy!
Oh. My. God.
That is an epic spam. A bit on the armpit fetish side but brilliant as it does get your attention. Now that is a spam I just might click the link on. Good one!
You definitely get the best spam! Will definitely be back to read more – please don’t forget to keep sharing your spam adventures! Glad Suzie introduced us!
Hey Janine!
Thanks for dropping by from Susie’s!
Glad you enjoyed. Stay a while. Have some spam. I have plenty to go around. Baked, fried, covered in chocolate, etc.
Lol Those were hilarious. I never bother checking my spam. The one about MySpace really caused me to chuckle. Thanks for stopping by.
Namaste
Sindy
Hey Sindy!
Thanks for dropping by! Glad I gave you a good laugh. The spam I receive knows no bounds. Have a spam cocktail. It’s a meaty drink.
Well, every community needs a new scheme at least once a year and word is out that with all of your know-how, preserveness of precious knowledge, and kudos people are stopping by regularly to get worthwhile depravity and information to code about.
Thanks for offering this excellent service to spammers everywhere.
Good stuff, Phil.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Hey Patricia!
Yeah! I just don’t know what all these spammers would do without me. Probably go into politics….
I also get those volunteer stuff. Sometimes I tell myself that it’s not spam, but that my blog posts about what I had for breakfast is indeed of great value to my local community:)
Hey Mitzie!
LOL! I always wondered why my lunch would be of such interest to spammers. It’s as it they have a sense I need new shoes and a handbag.
Now, if there was spam at the buffet that would be fabulous!
Love your responses to the spam! I have been getting so tired of the spam — it’s been finding its way to my comment section every day. Are the spam bots really people? It’s hard to believe that any human would write some of the stuff that finds its way into my comments section.
Hey Dianne!
Happy you enjoyed. I don’t know who writes this stuff. Maybe it’s Skynet trying to become self aware.
Come with me if you want to live to eat spam! (In Arnold’s voice)
Even though I know that they’re rubbish, I find myself charmed by spam comments. Yours are especially wonderful in that wigged-out stupid way that spam is.
[Susie sent me, btw. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting.]
Hey Ally!
Thanks for dropping by. Have a spam mojito or a spam-r-tini. I mix a mean cocktail.
I get the most ridiculous spam ever. I’m a crazy magnet.
First of all, I NEED to see you in new pair of Laboutin heels. That would make my week. Only thing better would be if your wore them during your next Tough Mudder.
Secondly, no need to mock me and my MySpace group. We’ve got some gnarly dudes there, and you’re just hatin’ because you can’t get your hair as smooth and cool as Vanilla Ice. Word to ya mutha.
Thirdly, and most importantly, I find your articles most tremendously informative and helpful in my scheme. Perhaps if you visit my website, iamnotaspammer.com you’d pick up a lovely virus.
Last, but certainly not least, I’m glad you enjoyed Denver and had some good shit to blog about in your spam box when you got back! Always entertaining. Even if you don’t know jack about coding.
Hey Teri!
That image would be quite horrifying, and surely painful. Maybe seeing me in spam bikini would suffice?
Thanks for the funny comment and giving me a good laugh.
Oh man…spam. When did it become so weird? Like nonsensical, rattling off a full paragraph about nothing o topic weird. You have some full on ones here and sounds like some are referring to historical events. I work in marketing and I can’t see the “gorilla marketing” benefit of spamming bloggers with this stuff. Oh well, we’ll all get a few laughs! Very cool you got to visit Denver.
Hey Jean!
I think they are just hoping some clueless people out there wil really click on those links. Like the family member of the deceased Nigerian prince who has millions locked away but needs your personal bank info to get access to it.
I want to shove a block of spam right up their anal cavities!
UGH, your spam is SO MUCH more funny than mine. I’m pretty jealous.
p.s. I LOVED that 3-boob girl hoax. Ever since Total Recall I’ve been waiting for that to become a trend, though I thought it would hit Japan first.
The only semi-cool spam I ever got was from a Google+ id as “Beer Hat” and they were selling hats made from cardboard beer cases. I was flattered, and YES, I totally published that comment. I mean, Beer Hat? You’ve earned it *slow clap*
Hey Joy!
Ha! I thought Total Recall too when I saw that.
At times in a drunken stupor I have been known to sport a beer hat or two.
I don’t know how these kinds of spam end up in my filter. Maybe they smell the scent of fried spam on my blog. Like the mothership.
Hey Phil,
My blogging assistance set up my spam filter pretty well now so I miss most of these. Just got back from a week on a Greek island and nothing in my spam, darn! I’m dreading checking my e-mail accounts though, they are painful.
I like the comment about the ferret. Did it actually live for 18 years?
Hey Guy!
You don’t know what you’re missing. You might have some tasty spam waiting for you!
I have no idea about the ferret. Spam is never really truthful.
LOL that was a lot of spam. I said, “MySpace??” also. I didn’t know it still existed. The one that “used to” find useful info here was the one that made me laugh out loud.
Hey Kenya!
I get more spam than I can consume! Baked, fried, sauteed – I get it all!
Yeah, how dare they. Used to? I am insulted!
Spam today. Spam tomorrow. Spam with a slice of bread. We should send the spammers jam and spam!
Hey Victoria!
Nothing like some tasty spam in between two slices of bread! Pass the jam!
I’m still disturbed by the line, “down in the orifice in his maddening cavity of depravity”.
I seem to have lost my appetite for food (and anything else for that matter).
Hey Gary!
That’s just the least of it! Some spam I get is totally depraved. Funny, but depraved.
That was definitely a lot of spam. Wowzers. Most of mine are boring, “I really like how you writing about this topic. I know a site that can help you with SEO.”
Hey Tamara!
I don’t know how they find me or come up with this stuff. Some is boring and some id bat shit crazy!
It’s been a long time since I did one of these posts. I’ll have to do it again. I’ve gotten to the point where I just empty my spam folder and move on. They come so fast now. Imagine there weren’t filters? Blogging would be just deleting bot comments!
Hey PJ!
I’m glad my spam filter has not exploded yet with all the spam it eats!