Summertime is supposed to be warm, we get that. I know that we can all expect muggy days here and there. Bright weekends at the park. Sun drenched days at the beach. The occasional hot and humid afternoons. Summer in NYC is usually filled with these types of days, but hot damn, this heat wave is hotter than Satan’s asshole! Another day of record heat in the 90’s that actually feels like it’s over 100 outside. Is this some kind of crazy joke that Mother Nature is pulling on us? I feel like I am actually melting if I stay outside for more than a few minutes! I can smell the soles of my sneakers burning!
I actually read today on the Gothamist that NYC broke the all time power record usage. Good lord I hope that ConEd can keep up with the power demand during this heat wave. No way in Hell that anyone wants to deal with a power outage right now. Even the Pillsbury Doughboy would end up baking like a croissant on the sidewalk out here. I am ready too see people explode in spontaneous combustion.
Just walking back and forth to lunch these last few days watching people it seems as if everyone is in slow motion. Even the homeless guys on the street are melting. No one is moving fast as we normally do here in NYC. The only reason I have been heading outside these past few days are to run over to the deli to grab lunch and then scurry back to my air conditioned office. It’s almost crazy to say it but I think almost all of us would really rather just be at work where we can sit in cold conditioned comfort. Crank up that free AC baby!
I do have to offer huge props to those who have to work outside during these kinds of adverse weather conditions. Cops, emergency medical, construction workers, day laborers, the guys from ConEd keeping the power on in those man holes, hot dog stands, etc. The heat and steaminess must be brutal and unbearable at times. Just today I walked by a few of these guys working a construction site next to my office and it looked like a scene from “The Walking Dead”. These guys were covered in grime and sweat as if they just jumped out of a dirt and oil shower. They moved in a slow deliberate pace. Funny thing is they still whistled at the ladies walking by in short skirts, no matter how nasty and smelly they were. “Hey baby! You want some of this? Let me rub my fat, hot, sweat soaked, smelly body against you!” Now, what woman would turn down that magnificent mating offer?
A few of my friends went to the beach this week. Um, no. Not happening here. The beach to me is even more hot and sweaty. Plus, no way would I wade out into the NYC beach pollution pond known as the Atlantic Ocean. If I can’t see down past my knees in the water it just ain’t happening! Also, I am as white as a white boy can be. Not only would I melt on the beach I would turn into a giant red tomato. A painful and sunburned red tomato. Nope, I’ll just sit inside and chill out at my work desk with a Starbucks iced coffee to sip on while looking at pictures of the beach on my computer.
I do have to get a chuckle out of the tourists. Even though I do feel bad for some of them (not really) they picked a horrible week to come visit our great city. I do realize that you can’t control the weather, but hot damn some must be wondering why they decided to come to a furnace to walk around in all week. Heck, it’s even cooler down south right now!
Now don’t even get me started on the phenomenon known as “Swamp Ass”. If you spend any amount of time outside today you will become a victim. As most of us have to walk a distance from our subway stops to our homes it is inevitable. That sweat pouring down your back, running down your backside, and into a pool of hot water into your underwear. Tasty! If you get onto the subway platform which feels like molten lava down there and see that the next train doesn’t arrive for another 8-10 minutes you might as well just kill yourself.
At least I see the future forecast calls for more normal temps in the 80’s over the next week. We just need to get through another day of this mess. Maybe some thunderstorms too. The AC units in my apartment have been working non-stop and both sound like they are going into cardiac arrest! When I get the electric bill at the end of the month I probably will too!
I think I know who is behind this weather torment. This effing guy!