It’s been quite a while since I have ventured out of NYC to come down to the scary southern hemisphere of the USA where my parents have retired to. Sure, it seems like a bad stereotype when it comes to those hitting a certain age and heading to warm sunny Florida to bask in their golden years, but my parents are living the dream! They live in a very nice gated 55 and over golf course community – but don’t golf. Go figure. It’s in central Florida in between Orlando and Tampa in an area known as “horse country”. It is an interesting, but kind of sleepy part of the state. Think “witness protection program” where they hide you away to die of suburban boredom. Heck, even John Travolta lives here and has been known to shop at Walmart late at night. I can picture the in-store announcements – “Travolta aisle 5, clean up, aisle 5, Vinnie Barbarino, aisle 5”!
Yet, even though I have been down here a bunch of times since they have moved I still just can’t get used to the oppressive heat down here. I arrived last Tuesday for work and attended a convention in Orlando for a few days. The area was in the midst of record setting heat with temps in the 90’s and humidity that had the “real feel” heat index in the low 100’s. Can you say “Swamp Ass”? Heading to the convention center each morning was an ordeal in sweat and wetness. The facility itself never seems to have the AC cranking high enough to stay comfortable when wearing a suit. Heading back to the hotel seemed even hotter. I could not wait each day to get into my room with arctic AC blasting and peel off my sweaty damp clothes. I had a good biz trip overall and can’t complain though. Still, this clip from “Fools Rush In” always seems to pop into my mind when in hot sticky Florida.
Coming from NYC certain parts of the country just seem like strange lands to me. Florida is one of those states. Even though a good amount of people living here started out someplace else it just seems like bizarro world to me.
Slow ass drivers that pull out on the road ahead of you and just die. Step on the gas before I kill you!
Drivers that will sit at a red light and refuse to make a right on red even though it is allowed. AHHHHH! What are you waiting for?
The speed limit is 70. Why the hell are you doing 45 in the left lane?
Why do some rednecks down here have confederate flag stickers on their trucks? Not playing with a full selection of chromosomes, eh?
This is the land of chain restaurants and fast food. Over by International Drive there is an awesome display of what seems like every one of them in the country. Yet, I do love me some Cracker Barrel and Waffle House!
I know it’s seriously hot down here but please stop wearing wife -beater tank tops. Along with the multitude of bad tattoos many of them sport it just looks like a marathon of “COPS” should be filmed here – forever. That, and “Tattoo Nightmares”.
I have to admit the radio stations here play a different variety of music than NYC stations. Up there we are stuck with crappy Top 40, Rap, and Hip Hop mostly. Down here it’s a weird mix of Country, Christian, and Heavy Metal/Hard Rock. I give it up for some good rock they play here, and bang my head while on the way to the gym.
What is up with the huge prehistoric looking bugs down here? Whoa! Must be all the heat that makes them grow. Some of those things hit my windshield and I thought the car was being shot at!
Culture? Don’t even get me started. I live in NYC. No comparison. I did pass a “Dinosaur Land” and “Reptile Show” on the way here. Yee Haw!
I could go on and on but I actually like Florida – to visit. It’s been teeming rain today with booming thunder and lightning, but my family still had a good Father’s Day get together. We got to my sister’s house right before the deluge. The heat is cooking my brain like a beef stew. I actually welcome my gym workouts here just to stay inside with cool AC. Give me real change of seasons in NYC any day over this. Hey, I kid Florida so if any of you take offense just go back to some of my older posts to see that I bust on NYC and it’s people too – and I’m a New Yorker! I’m an equal opportunity ranter!
Swamp Ass indeed!
I must say I was pretty set on going to Florida to finally catch son sun on my birthday in February.
Not so sure anymore:D
Hey Sophie!
You know by now some of my posts are just in jest. Some.
February is a good time to do Florida. It might actually be a bit cooler that time of year. Go for it.
Woops! Just now saw my typo (‘son’ > ‘some’). Apologies for that.
I know:)
Still, I like the heat, but humidity… not so.
Hey Sophie!
I’m not a grammar nazi so no biggie! Enjoy the heat coming!
I need my seasons and honestly, I have NO desire to sweat, especially while doing things like … breathing. Glad you got to see your family on your trip, that’s a perk.
Hey Lisa!
Like…breathing. LOL! It was a fun visit and always good to see the family. In small doses works best! 🙂
About that sweating: is it always that bad? I mean, throughout the whole year?
Hey Sophie!
Oh, it’s not all year. Swamp Ass season is usually just in summer here in NYC, and maybe the early part of Fall.
Florida it’a almost 8 months a year. At least. Winter there is not as swampy. Only certain people are. 😉
Thanks for the heads up. I’ll protect my personal space:D
Hey Sophie!
Yup – just keep your distance!
And THIS is why I hate Florida
Bet you’re looking forward to retiring there one day! 😉
I’ll retire in Cali 😛
Hey Kristy!
Oh, you are one of THOSE people. Better save up for the boob job and botox injections!
My Mom winters on Marco Island and I’ve been known to have many of those same complaints, especially about the drivers, and it’s especially bad in parking lots. You think going forward is bad? Not one of them looks behind them before backing up.
Hey Karen!
Oh, I almost got creamed a few times by idiots drivers in parking lots down here. Florida is nice to escape the harsh northern winters, if you can survive the drivers!
Our temperatures average 90-95+ during summer so we are used to the heat. Although I must admit we don’t get the humidity in Johannesburg.
Glad you got to spend time with your Dad on Fathers Day.
Hey Lanthie!
Ugh – that is hot! Sure, it’s a dry heat, but so is an oven at 400 degrees if you want to stick your head in it! 😉
Ohh Florida. Grew up there and lived in the same house in the same town until I was 18…as much as I got used to the heat, it’s in the middle of no where although my town was pretty non-hillbilly like. So glad to be out though!
Hello Alexandria!
Thanks so much for dropping by my blog and commenting!
Sounds like you made a great escape! Hopefully to a big city with more action. Still, it’s always nice to visit there in small doses.
Hey, you can’t say I didn’t warn you about Floridian Swamp ass. To be clear, that issue usually comes from the folks from other countries that decide to vacation for 3-4 months sans deodorant.
As for the driving…yeah… About those TPS reports. 😉
Hey Kitt!
With temps in the 90’s this past week down there everyone had swamp ass in Florida!
Yes, some people still drive with the windows open. It’s nuts!
Those who drove with the windows down did it for one of two reasons… The window was broken…or the air conditioner was broken. :-)~
Hey Kitt!
I agree but I also have met a few that like to drive that way in the heat because they like it! Yuck!
You are right on with the bugs that is enough to keep me inside. Idk about the drivers here in Cocoa they past on the left side ride your ass when you are going 80 while honking. You have to keep busy it’s boring here. If you are not in water stay inside. I love Florida but a little snow would be nice. The storm here last night woke my hubby and I out of a dead sleep. My room lite up like the fourth of July. It was really freaky. I love your post you always keep me laughing!!
Hey Patricia!
We got blasted with a teeming thunderstorm on Father’s Day. It was nuts. good thing we stayed inside!
The drivers are kind of nutty down there. Plus, all those 90 days this past week were melting me. Back in NYC now where it’s 75 and breezy. So nice.
I’m in the minority that would take Florida’s climate over New York’s. I know the heat is unbearable, but at least they air condition everything. And it’s not like you ever have to walk anywhere farther than from the house to the car.
I’m with you on the lack of culture though. Strip malls. Drive-thrus. Condo complexes. Where’s the real city?
Hey Jill!
Guess you have to hit up Miami for culture. Most of Florida is kind of scaryland. It’s true that most everything is air conditioned, but the heat and humidity is not for me. I actually like winter and colder air. Call me crazy. Many others have!
Sounds like it has a lot in common with WV 🙂 Especially the confederate flag stickers and fast food chain restaurants. I made the mistake when I moved out here of thinking I didn’t need an air conditioner in my apt window. I was such an idiot! I almost died when it hit 100 with high humidity the first day I moved into my apt. Needless to say I love air conditioning now 🙂
Hey Foodie!
I would not have guessed WV has all that fast food and chain restos. Guess they are everywhere now trying to fatten us up!
I am now back in NYC where it’s 75 degrees and much nicer. Still, that AC will be running when I am sleeping tonight!
My daughter goes to school in Orlando and insists they have a winter as she posts her suntanned Facebook photos. It’s not so bad. I think I could learn to suck up all of that horrible weather.
Hi Joyce!
Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting!
Sure, they have a nice “mild” winter while laying outside in the freezing weather tanning – LOL!
Although I wouldn’t mind having that winter up here in NYC!
I’ve never been to Florida so I can’t quote give my opinion on it but I absolutely hate the heat and add humidity to it and I’m super cranky… I should get out of Kansas then huh? And, don’t even get me started on drivers I had to honk my horn and get all crazy when I had not one but two semi trucks pull out in front of me this morning and not only almost hit me but make me slam on my breaks to accommodate them… GRRRR… OK, my rant is over, thank you for reading.
Hey Emily!
Now it’s hot and humid here in NYC. I can’t escape it! Ugh!
Rant away – you know I do it a lot on this blog! Road rage! 🙂
Lived in Florida for 18 years, Melbourne, Orlando, Tampa, Orlando…you can have it, and the Rat too!
UP
Hey UP!
Oh, so you know exactly what I’m talking about! Now it’s just as hot UP here in NYC this week!
I just found your blog you are a riot ! I live in sw florida and sell a product called no ass sweat a Florida residents and athletes best friend.
Hey Catherine!
Thanks so much. I checked out your product on your site. Now that is something we can use here in NYC in summer!