My flatulent thoughts on taking a big one in NYC!

wwerfwefe

There is one thing that most New Yorkers really dread when out and about in NYC. Where to go to the bathroom when the urge strikes. It’s not like we have porta potties on each street corner, and most of those are abominations anyway. Have you ever had to go so bad that a porta potty was the only option? Now, don’t get me wrong as being a guy and having to pee we can pretty much do that anywhere. Women have a different problem as you gals need to sit down to take care of business. We can just stand there and admire the golden shower. Woman can do the hover if needed. Where the real terror comes in is when the #2 hits. The crappola. The need to lay some cable. The time to drop the kids off at the pool. What do we do when there is nowhere to go, or all that’s available is a porta potty? You ever see what some people do in a porta potty? It’s like they filmed “The Exorcist” in some of them. That, or a bad B grade slasher movie. Heaven forbid you get in one with no toilet paper. Sure, there are some pay toilets here and there in NYC but they are never where you need them to be when your sphincter is on fire and you are squeezing your butt cheeks tight waddling around in need of sweet merciful relief. 

73104ee57611028f92e3b2bf20d80f8880

The spots that I mostly head to are pretty well known if one is close by and I am in dire need of relief. Here is my Top 12 in no real order. The Dirty Dozen! It just depends which one is closest when I gotta go!

Starbucks – So hit and miss. Some are decent and some look like a horror movie exploded. Plus, there always seems to be a line and some weirdo person is in there forever making strange noises.

Macy’s – The bottom level bathrooms make me want to peel my skin off and pour acid on myself if I touch any part of that bowl. Head to the ones on the upper level.

New York Sports Clubs – If you have an all-location membership these are life saving. Bro, do you even lift? Well, depending on what you do in there you can drop a weight class.

Bloomingdales – Take a poop in style as they have some nice commodes. Leave your mark on the snobby Bloomies crowd here. Just smile and wave people. Smile and wave.

do-you-have-a-bathroom-no-we-shit-in-the-yard

Tiffany’s – Walk in and make out you are really shopping there then head for their bathroom. It’s so choice. Oh yes, we fancy poopers!

The Container Store – Hey, this place has some nice bathrooms! Some cool stuff here for your apartment. Just don’t be a wacko and seal it to take home in a container.

Any Bar/Pub – Just saunter in as if you are looking for your buddy to have a drink with then make a beeline to the bowl. Be warned though as many dive bar bathrooms can make your skin crawl. Even for us dudes the nastiness level can make us squirm. Fun stuff written on the walls though.

Barnes & Noble – How perfect is that? Tons of reading materials are already on site for those extended sessions! Warning – if a person walks into the next stall with “War & Peace” evacuate immediately!

397027

Public Parks – Some have pay toilets such as Madison Square Park that are self cleaning, and others like Bryant Park featuring fresh flowers, attendants, and marble countertops. Then there are some that look as if they need a power washing when you experience the vomit and other wet biological materials on the floor. Yuck.

Penn Station and Grand Central Station – You take your lives in your own hands with these. What is up with the dudes shaving in the sinks, and some that look as if they turned a crapper into their home? I think I smelled someone brewing coffee in a stall once. No, I did not ask for a cup. He was out of creamer anyway.

The Loeb Boathouse Central Park – Perfect spot to go when enjoying a day walking and wandering around the park. Two ways to go here. Either use the nasty bathroom on the outside of the building with all the peasant folk, or head to the fancy schmancy inside bathrooms by the bar and take a more civilized constitutional. Head to the bar afterwards for a celebratory cocktail and mingle with the fancy folk!

The Hyatt by Grand Central – Just stroll on in and walk to the back of the lobby. Act like you’re staying there. Be a tourist and pee like one. Wink at the front desk people on the way out. Smile and wave.

8350cce2f358b67be17f1a31c0eb2835a3bfb79aa7a8ed48cc1cc1c166f65ec7

Where do you go when the urge hits, your stomach grumbles, and you’re out in public? Any secret spots that can be added to this list? Fire away!

About filbio310

Life Contortionist, Blogger, Yelper, Foodie, Gym Rat.
This entry was posted in 2014, Awkward, Bathroom, Comedy, Funny, Humor, Hygiene, Manhattan, New York living, NYC, Poop, Restroom, Stores, Uncategorized, Weird Stuff, WTF and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

60 Responses to My flatulent thoughts on taking a big one in NYC!

  1. Considerer
    Twitter:
    says:

    HA! I think I’d have to go to Tiffany’s, just so I could say I had…
    Considerer recently posted…7 Quick Takes #65 x FTSFMy Profile

  2. Very important information! These are the NYC tips people really appreciate! I should do a similar post about potties in Lillehammer ! Potties? Next to none! No fast food, no department stores, no porta potties! I get asked by turists all the time…where can we go?

    Have a great weekend Phil.
    Klem,
    Kimberly
    Goodness and Grit recently posted…Affairs to RememberMy Profile

  3. The Guy
    Twitter:
    says:

    Great article Phil. The one thing I hate is when you are in public places such as shopping centres where they charge you to use the toilet. Does the place not make enough money from rent off the shops to cover the cost of a toilet!

    Or those really annoying toilet attendants who shove soap, towels and smellies in your face whilst begging for a tip. I tell you that job stinks, well the workplace does.

    One of my favourite lines from any film was a few years ago when a character just left the bathroom. She said with a smile and a glint in her eye “I’ve just made a little brown fish”.
    The Guy recently posted…Discovering The History of Small Towns In AmericaMy Profile

  4. Alexandra Yelp says:

    This is a tough situation here in Boston too. I generally head for the closest hotel. They tend to have nice (read: clean) bathrooms that are hassle-free to use and are usually located off the lobby somewhere. As well, hotel restaurant/bars can be a good option. If there is a hostess station, I tell the person standing there that I want to sit and have a drink at the bar, then just go straight to the loo. I may or may not end up staying for that drink at the bar.

  5. NOW you’re speaking the language of my people! Hey, when I’m prairie dogging, I’ll go ANYWHERE….including the Black Forest in Germany at NIGHT with no toilet paper and only a few leaves. This post is one of your finest, my friend. Gotta share this one! :-)
    Menopausal Mother recently posted…10 Reasons Why You Should Go To A Renaissance FestivalMy Profile

  6. All the great food you write about AND a pay toilet with a BAR!

    Where else but The Big Apple can you take a shit then get shit faced?

    That’s poetic, baby. Poetic.

  7. Lisa says:

    This is a subject that most would fear writing about, I’m so glad you’re brave! Home is where I poop my comfortably and apparently this is genetic. I remember driving a Taurus station wagon like Jeff Gordon to get my kid home to the throne. I wish I had one of those sirens that cops would slap on the roof of their unmarked cars on more than one occasion. At one point we dubbed my car “The Poop Express.”
    My husband on the other hand loves Lowes Hardware Stores. He grabs a piece of literature on his way in and makes himself at home.
    Squeezing the cheeks to your destination is the real talent though, we call this “the shit shuffle.” Have a great day and thanks for the laugh!

  8. Karen
    Twitter:
    says:

    You’ve outdone yourself. I think a copy of this should be given to every person renting a new apartment in New York. Sort of like a survival guide.
    Karen recently posted…Secret Subject Swap: Lucky LeprechaunMy Profile

  9. Kim says:

    Pooping on my own turf is ideal but thanks to a slightly faulty digestive system I can go from a happy, calm colon to a pissed off and ready to explode colon in T – 10 seconds.

    Sometimes it can be funny to drop a duece where you know people will walk in five minutes later and be thinking, “Holy shit! What is that smell!?”
    Kim recently posted…100 Posts and a Few Lessons LearnedMy Profile

  10. Dang! I should follow your lead and write about poopular places, Filbio!

    Yes. There will one day be another post on Snark E. Pen. Next week! Stay tuned! Read it while you’re naked!

    On to the topic at hand: You have some STELLAR places to take care of business. Thanks for the heads up on those that are crappy. So to speak…

    For those stores with the annoying signs indicating restrooms are for patrons only, it’s helpful to place an item with the checkout clerk, and ask that she hold it while you use the restroom. Of course, when you return, you will have “dagnabbit!” forgotten to bring your credit card.

    Stop by the front desk at a salon and ask about making an appointment for one of their services for the following week. Ask if you can use the facilities while they check availability. Make the appointment. Take the card. I find my karma quota stays high if I call and cancel.

    I’ve also learned which establishments have their restrooms all the honking way back at the back of the store (Container Store is one). My personal preference is Bed, Bath and Beyond. RIGHT inside the front door.

    Of course, in Texas, we drive nearly everywhere, so the local convenience stores, fast food restaurants, and grocery stores are emergency options. Troll the parking lot first. One doesn’t want to have to schlepp a mile with a serious sphincter squeeze.

  11. Holli
    Twitter:
    says:

    I go for the Starbucks or McDonalds. One time while visiting NYC , the urge came when i was in Chinatown. That was the most scariest nastiest Mcdonalds ever!
    Holli recently posted…Wednesday’s HodgepodgeMy Profile

  12. Beth Teliho
    Twitter:
    says:

    It is nearly impossible for me to leave a deuce in a public restroom. The only time I’ve done it was in a porta-potty, and I was desperate….like about to blow. It was a race, so if I didn’t go then, I would surely crap my pants while running! haha

    You sound like my husband. He knows literally every place in Texas that has a decent shitter. What is it with dudes?
    Beth Teliho recently posted…BlogygamyMy Profile

  13. Mel says:

    This was hilarious! As I’m heading home (and passing through the city) I’ll think of these rest stops :P
    Mel recently posted…The Lifting Diaries: In the Mirror Straight FlexingMy Profile

  14. Emily
    Twitter:
    says:

    Ha! Ha! Ha! I love this, now I know what to do when I’m in NYC and have the urge to go!
    Emily recently posted…Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

  15. Oh the places we’ll go! I loathe port-a-potties and after I ran a marathon it was my only option to relieve myself. My legs were jelly and I was forced to sit on the seat. Problem was, I had to hang onto the urinal to hoist myself up afterward. It.was.the.worst.thing.ever. Obviously I’m still scarred. I try to hold it at all costs if I am no where near a sensible public commode. But I like the idea of Tiffanys…
    Cowboys and Crossbones recently posted…How to Remedy Hair HellMy Profile

  16. Wow! Thankfully, nasty bathrooms are not as common in the areas I frequent and it’s pretty easy to find one. Porta potties are usually only found at concerts and outdoor events…even in Chicago, I never had the issues you talked about.
    Kitt Crescendo recently posted…Friends are the Sweetest Thing EVER!My Profile

  17. LMFAO! Mathair refuses to even pee in a public restroom. She will literally do damage to her internal organs, holding it in until we make it home. She doesn’t even like to use a bathroom in another person’s home, even if it’s family. She’s a loyalist at heart and a germa-phobe to the n’th degree. Me… well… let’s just say when the mood hits-the mood hits. I am a pro at ghetto-rigging a user-friendly bathroom wherever the john may be. Great post, Phil. But, you owe me a foodgasm. I came here with an after sex smoke in one hand and a glass of chardonnay in the other. Keep to the act of ingesting the food, rather than the after effect of shitting it out. J/K love the post, you never fail to make our day.
    Inion N. Mathair recently posted…Interview with Writer, Rachel HarrellMy Profile

    • filbio310 says:

      Hey Inion/Mathair!

      I am honored that you come to read my blog in the afterglow of hot sweaty sex! Who needs to cuddle, right?

      I assume your mom will never take a monster dump in a porta potty! Too bad as everyone should have that life altering experience!

      My food gluttony posts will resume soon. Now go back for another roll in the sack!
      filbio310 recently posted…My flatulent thoughts on taking a big one in NYC!My Profile

  18. Suzanne Lucas
    Twitter:
    says:

    Lol, well, my friend, you’ve created the official Fodor’s Guide to NYC Bathrooms. I’ve printed this out and will keep it as an easy reference for when I visit the Big Apple, although it can also serve in other cities as well.
    Suzanne Lucas recently posted…Feline Friday – I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get UpMy Profile

  19. MJM says:

    Freaking awesome man…I truly admire your work.

    I do my best to never, and I mean never, use public restrooms…especially for number two. However, when the occasion arises when I have no other choice but to use a public restroom, because it’s either that or shit myself, I do so with my eyes closed and while saying lots, and lots, of prayers.
    MJM recently posted…“It Snot Coming Out”My Profile

  20. What can I say, Phil? You sure know your pots. ;-P
    Hazy Shades of Me recently posted…Stand Up and Sit DownMy Profile

  21. Taryn
    Twitter:
    says:

    OMG Phil, you nailed it. Besides the “don’t be a turd burglar” manifesto you wrote about a year ago, you seem to have cornered the market in all things poo. I used to work with a bunch of men, who apparently all had colons that emitted waste that would make the garbage barge envious. It got to be that no one would use the men’s room and would walk to the newest department stores (macys and lord & Taylor were both close by). As for me, when I gotta go. Department stores and bars are usually good. My FIL has a prostate problem, so he needs to use a bathroom like every 9.6 seconds. So as if my in laws don’t drive me crazy already, I hopped into a bar and took one for the team by ordering a beverage at like 11 am (it’s beer o’clock somewhere) so he could use their restroom.
    Taryn recently posted…I Hate TechnologyMy Profile

  22. Gary Sidley says:

    We have the same problem here in the UK – decent public toilets seem a thing of the past.
    Gary Sidley recently posted…A ball-ache at 48My Profile

  23. My Inner Chick
    Twitter:
    says:

    Tiffany’s –
    OMGOooooSH,
    they let you poop there?

    xxx
    My Inner Chick recently posted…Believing in Your Story, Your Vision, Your LifeMy Profile

  24. UP
    Twitter:
    says:

    A. never eat at Taco Bell and Crystal in the same week, let alone the same day!
    B. Tiffany’s…no doubt.
    C. You have out done yourself with this one.
    D. I’m so pissed I didn’t think of it first.

    UP
    UP recently posted…AOTWMy Profile

  25. Mandi
    Twitter:
    says:

    Wow – you really know how to get people to talk about some shit, don’t you? I have some really funny stories about bathrooms in NYC, so I’ll just give you a short version of one. Once I was in NY w/ a girlfriend, and we were waiting outside of an exclusive night club in the Meat Packing District (should that be capitalized?), and it was a horridly long line. Of course, we’d been drinking like fish for the better part of the day, so the urge hit me…to pee. Girls don’t poop. Ever.

    Anyway, I did the potty dance, trying to convince myself that I wasn’t about to piss my pants, when finally I said, “eff it,” and I bolted (alone) to the nearest bathroom that I found in some gas station/gyro stand/restaurant with no tables. It was terribly disgusting, so disgusting that I used my scarf to touch the door handle, and I actually hovered, which is against my beliefs, but relief was beautiful, and I may or may not have had a peegasm. On my way back, I struck up a conversation with a couple who apparently were pseudo NY celebrities, and we got to walk through the door with them, so my little trip to the dungeon loo turned out OK. We stayed at that club until the sun was out. One of the best nights ever!
    Mandi recently posted…Caught in a LandslideMy Profile

  26. LMAO here Phil. Nice one.
    Lanthie Ransom recently posted…What would I do with R5Million (US$500,000)My Profile

  27. Where I live, luckily almost all places except gas stations have clean bathrooms. And something about ANY coffee place, those bathrooms are always disgusting. My guess is the stimulant effect of caffeine AND the fact that homeless only have to buy a cup of black coffee to sit there all day, and “shower” in the sink.
    The library bathrooms are really clean, all of our grocery stores are well-maintained and if I’m traveling I always opt for a McDonald’s bathroom over a gas station, MUCH cleaner!
    Joy Christi recently posted…With Age Comes ComfyMy Profile

  28. Victoria
    Twitter:
    says:

    Ooooo. I like all of these but I’m a bit suspicious of the public areas: brewing coffee? OMG!
    Phil. I don’t go to public toilets and I certainly don’t pay for them. I go to the nearest fancy place I can see and ask them straight away if I “may use the bathroom.” That normally gets people jumping a little!
    There’s a really trendy Asian restaurant in Berlin where I live, and there’s music videos, a sci-fi thing to wash your hands in, and clever mirrors that reflect backwards or opposite, or something. I almost had a heart attack when I thought I could see a man going into the cubicle. Apparantly, he couldn’t see me or anyone else!
    Victoria recently posted…My first introduction to the ITB Berlin: the “Internationale Tourismus-Börse” or the “international tourism trade fair.”My Profile

  29. Deanna
    Twitter:
    says:

    So hilarious, Phil! I’m with Beth…it has to be a dire emergency and even then, I can’t do it if someone is in there. I hate it. But, I have a bladder the size of a pea, pun intended, so I always know where the good and bad restrooms are. In Germany, they are almost always clean, even the Porta potties! Even at festivals, where you expect nastiness, they are clean. They have attendants you tip to make sure they stay clean. I love Germany. :-)
    Deanna recently posted…I Will SurviveMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge