There is one thing that most New Yorkers really dread when out and about in NYC. Where to go to the bathroom when the urge strikes. It’s not like we have porta potties on each street corner, and most of those are abominations anyway. Have you ever had to go so bad that a porta potty was the only option? Now, don’t get me wrong as being a guy and having to pee we can pretty much do that anywhere. Women have a different problem as you gals need to sit down to take care of business. We can just stand there and admire the golden shower. Woman can do the hover if needed. Where the real terror comes in is when the #2 hits. The crappola. The need to lay some cable. The time to drop the kids off at the pool. What do we do when there is nowhere to go, or all that’s available is a porta potty? You ever see what some people do in a porta potty? It’s like they filmed “The Exorcist” in some of them. That, or a bad B grade slasher movie. Heaven forbid you get in one with no toilet paper. Sure, there are some pay toilets here and there in NYC but they are never where you need them to be when your sphincter is on fire and you are squeezing your butt cheeks tight waddling around in need of sweet merciful relief.
The spots that I mostly head to are pretty well known if one is close by and I am in dire need of relief. Here is my Top 12 in no real order. The Dirty Dozen! It just depends which one is closest when I gotta go!
Starbucks – So hit and miss. Some are decent and some look like a horror movie exploded. Plus, there always seems to be a line and some weirdo person is in there forever making strange noises.
Macy’s – The bottom level bathrooms make me want to peel my skin off and pour acid on myself if I touch any part of that bowl. Head to the ones on the upper level.
New York Sports Clubs – If you have an all-location membership these are life saving. Bro, do you even lift? Well, depending on what you do in there you can drop a weight class.
Bloomingdales – Take a poop in style as they have some nice commodes. Leave your mark on the snobby Bloomies crowd here. Just smile and wave people. Smile and wave.
Tiffany’s – Walk in and make out you are really shopping there then head for their bathroom. It’s so choice. Oh yes, we fancy poopers!
The Container Store – Hey, this place has some nice bathrooms! Some cool stuff here for your apartment. Just don’t be a wacko and seal it to take home in a container.
Any Bar/Pub – Just saunter in as if you are looking for your buddy to have a drink with then make a beeline to the bowl. Be warned though as many dive bar bathrooms can make your skin crawl. Even for us dudes the nastiness level can make us squirm. Fun stuff written on the walls though.
Barnes & Noble – How perfect is that? Tons of reading materials are already on site for those extended sessions! Warning – if a person walks into the next stall with “War & Peace” evacuate immediately!
Public Parks – Some have pay toilets such as Madison Square Park that are self cleaning, and others like Bryant Park featuring fresh flowers, attendants, and marble countertops. Then there are some that look as if they need a power washing when you experience the vomit and other wet biological materials on the floor. Yuck.
Penn Station and Grand Central Station – You take your lives in your own hands with these. What is up with the dudes shaving in the sinks, and some that look as if they turned a crapper into their home? I think I smelled someone brewing coffee in a stall once. No, I did not ask for a cup. He was out of creamer anyway.
The Loeb Boathouse Central Park – Perfect spot to go when enjoying a day walking and wandering around the park. Two ways to go here. Either use the nasty bathroom on the outside of the building with all the peasant folk, or head to the fancy schmancy inside bathrooms by the bar and take a more civilized constitutional. Head to the bar afterwards for a celebratory cocktail and mingle with the fancy folk!
The Hyatt by Grand Central – Just stroll on in and walk to the back of the lobby. Act like you’re staying there. Be a tourist and pee like one. Wink at the front desk people on the way out. Smile and wave.
Where do you go when the urge hits, your stomach grumbles, and you’re out in public? Any secret spots that can be added to this list? Fire away!