Massive Gastronomica, Clothes Shopping, and Spanx in NYC!

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One of the things that most men dread, and some women too, its shopping for clothes. It’s a necessary evil, and one that I do not like at all anymore. I actually did not mind hitting the shops to pick up some gear for my bod back in the past. I was a bit of a clothes whore. That was when things actually fit me the right way. Before my body changed a bit. Before I moved into NYC and caught the foodie bug and became a gluttonous beast. I mean, let’s get real here, one of the reasons so many of us live in a cosmopolitan fantasyland like the city I reside in is that fact that there is pretty much every fattening and delicious food on the planet here. Amazing restaurants. Ethnic diversity of meals. Food stands on almost every corner. Food trucks parked on the streets. Temptation is everywhere. Everything freaking delivers! Massive Gastronomica!

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Sure, as many of us get older we gain a few pounds around the midsection. A few more inches packed on the waistlines. Maybe some such as myself keep working out not just to keep in shape, but to also be able to burn off all the massive calories we consume eating things like Shake Shack burgers and Big Gay Ice Cream treats. NYC is an evil bitch like that. She lures you in and stuffs you silly, then laughs in your face when you try to zip up those jeans. You think you’re actually going to get some from her, then all she does is loosen your belt a notch and friendzones your fat ass. Do you think we actually enjoy running miles out on the streets, parks, or on the treadmills every other day? Sweating our butts off lifting things up and putting them down in the gym? Not really. I do enjoy my gym sessions and lifting weights, but the running sucks. It’s needed though if I don’t want to start shopping in the Big & Tall Hindenburg section of Macy’s. I’m sure as hell not going to wear sweatpants everywhere. Or stop eating. Elastic expando-pants? Hellz No!

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Also, what the heck happened to clothing sizes nowadays? I could swear that the fashion industry is giving all of us normal or larger sized folks a big “Fuck You” lately. Everywhere I go it seems as if everything is “slim fit” or cut so ridiculously narrow that they are made for people built like stick figures. A guy like me who works out just can’t find a comfortable and proper fitting blazer, dress shirt, pants, or suit anymore without spending a small fortune on alterations. Everything across the upper body, shoulders, and arms are way too tight. Fat guy in a little coat! (RIP Chris Farley). It’s insane! Maybe that “skinny jean” and “European cut” crap goes over well for men with builds like a little girl, but for a normal to bigger sized dude with real arms, waists, and shoulders it’s like being trapped in a torture device. Have the designers seen the actual size of us AMURRICANS lately? Sure, we know our country has gotten larger and many people are overweight nowadays, but even healthy regular sized people can’t fit into these effing clothes! Stop the insanity!

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Also, what the heck is it with guys wearing Spanx now? I have seen commercials for men’s versions of this. The undershirt and tank top versions. Who the heck wants to wear what amounts to being a man-girdle all day? No no no! Not me. Guess I’ll never be shopping at H&M or wearing skinny jeans. I’m heading to Vegas next week on biz and had to go shopping for some dress pants and jackets the other day. Hated every minute of it. I really needed a wordrobe upgrade anyway. Everything I own is getting old and out of date. I’m the type of guy that will wear things until they fall apart. Even though I do enjoy looking good and wearing nice duds. It’s just the fact that over time I have become disgusted shopping for them. I need to hit Powerball and hire a personal shopper and style consultant. Oh well, time to suck it up and spend a day in the stores. Spend some cash and fill up the closet. No Spanx! Then go out to eat!

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Is it just me, or does everyone go through this now when clothes shopping? Let me know what you think. Do you like to shop for clothes or is it like sticking needles in your eyes?

34 thoughts on “Massive Gastronomica, Clothes Shopping, and Spanx in NYC!”

  1. Clothes shopping. Not enjoyable. I’d rather be at a Farmers Market. Men in Spanx. No.
    Women in Spanx. Eat more yogurt. Lots of great tempting food in New York. Oh yes. Finally, yes, they are making clothes smaller. It has made clothes shopping much more difficult.This is not because I’ve not put on an itty -bitty extra at fifty-five- but because I can still fit in pants I wore ten years ago! Take that new clothes designers.

    1. Hey Peggy!

      I just don’t get the clothes sizes nowadays. It’s like putting a ten pound sausage in a five pound casing. Either everything is way too small and slim fit or designed for elephants.

  2. I hate shopping for clothes… mostly because I’m a chunky monkey… it’s just not that much fun to me, I’d rather be out doing something fun.

    1. Hey Emily!

      I used to like it a bit. Now it’s like getting the measles and chicken pox and stuck in a room full of crying babies all at once!

  3. Ha,ha! I have been fortunate in my life (prior to turning 50) in that I was always able to eat whatever and not gain too much weight. People would always comment and ask me where it all went. I can pack it down, let me tell you. No ordering a salad for this brickhouse! Well….it has finally caught up with me and I am resembling a sausage these days (I need to blog about this). When shopping now, my eyes tend to go the direction of the Plus Women section even though I’m not there..yet! I think what appeals to me for clothing are items that cover everything up from head to toe. I would be happy with a couple of canvas tents in different colors as my wardrobe. 🙂

  4. I hate shopping. I so most of it online without the terrible lighting that makes me look like the hobbit in mirrors in the dressing rooms. I would rather look like the hobbit in my own room.

    And my husband feels the same way. He swears that all men’s clothes are made for preteen girls.

    1. Hey Mandi!

      I just can’t do online clothes shopping. I need to feel it and try it on. Nothing fits right. Also, I agree with your husband. Mens clothes are made for little boys and girls builds it seems.

  5. Clothes shopping is an exercise in torture, but I have been up and down in weight so many times I basically have a whole boutique of various sizes right in my closet. Trying on clothes is only fun when you’re losing weight. Other way around, it’s a good way to feel like crap.

    And the irony of NYC! Amazing deliciousness everywhere, but everyone is expected to dress to the nines no matter what. Sigh. I miss it…

    1. Hey Jill!

      It is slow torture. We eat more and more here in NYC yet are expected to dress sharp and look good. I think I just might have to invest in some expando-pants!

  6. OMG one of your funniest posts!!! “Big and Tall Hindenburg Section” BRILLIANT! Hey, you need to come over and guest on my site someday soon and use this post. After my clothes shopping post from a few weeks ago, this post would fit in nicely. You ROCK!

    1. Hey Matcia!

      If I keep eating and drinking like I do I might just crash and burn like the Hindenburg did! There is no pain like clothes shopping! Glad you enjoyed! 🙂

  7. Even though I love buying clothes, I hate shopping for them. I can try 10 pairs of pants in my size and no two will fit the same. I’m not sure what’s up with that. That being said, if Lee’s/Riders ever go out of business, I’m pretty much screwed.

    1. Hey Mary!

      I also go through that! Can’t they all just come up with universal sizes that all fits the same? I find that Levi’s does it best for me. Relaxed fit. No way in hell am I squeezing my ass into skinny jeans!

  8. Fat guy, little coat! Fat guy little coat! I freaking love that movie. Haha.

    As for clothes shopping, HATE IT. I’ve been a big girl all my life and I have a hard time finding anything decent. Lane Bryant is expensive as hell and Walmart usually has something really ugly, poorly fitting or with cartoon characters on them. Target? Fuggehdaboutit! (Did I spell that right?)

    I’m working on dropping the pounds ever so slowly but at least I’m trying. Thankfully hubby is on board with eating better and buying the good, healthy stuff.

    1. Hey Kim!

      Fat Guy in a little coat is just so right for how I feel when shopping for mens clothes. Everything seems to be designed for guys who weigh 150 pounds and have no build.

      Keep at it. Eat well and exercise. Say goodbye to Walmart. Unless you want to be a “people of Walmart” meme!

  9. I hate clothes shopping. Right now I have been wearing clothes I brought 5 years ago. Thank god I still fit in them. Most stuff in stores are either too tight or way too big on me. And of course I love to eat constantly.

    1. Hey Susana!

      That’s the problem. My closet is full of clothes that are too old and out of date. Time to start styling and updated my wardrobe. The shopping sucks!

  10. I loathe shopping (I have worked to remove the word ‘hate’ from my vocabulary) for clothes. I like you have been expanding and I am not the man I once was…I have a doctors appt. for my annual physical this afternoon and he’s gonna tell me about impending doom and my overactive taste buds… everything tastes soooo good… hang in there – you’re young… have a great week!

    1. Hey Clay!

      Loathe is such a great word for clothes shopping. Food that taste good is so bad for our waistlines. It’s just not fair! Plus, for me I still work out a lot so shirts and blazers are a problem. Guess I better suck it up and hit the stores.

  11. It is definitely NOT just you! I started a blog post on this at LEAST twice. Some of the clothing for ‘bigger’ girls is just plain old insulting. Like that episode of the Simpsons (which YES is in my Draft post) where Homer goes to the BIG & TALL store and they tell him he has TWO choices:
    Judges robes or a mumu.
    He says “I don’t want to look like a weirdo, gimme the mumu.”
    You would think designers would keep REAL people in mind, I mean most of us are willing to throw down some coin in the name of comfortable clothing that isn’t a mumu. We’ve gotten better, I’ll say that. The first time I was pregnant (19 years ago, OLD) the clothes were literally all mumus. They’re a little better now, but not much.
    I did see that Project Runway is doing a season of size 12+, so hopefully designers will get their heads out of the asses of size 0 models and take a look at the real world. One can hope! Cuz I’ll tell ya, no matter how much exercise I do, I’m not stopping eating cake or drinking beer. Not in my ‘Murica!
    I love that picture of you eating the brontosaurus carcass!

    1. Hey Joy!

      Are you suggesting I wear a mumu? Might not be a bad look on me.

      In AMURRICA we love our beer and cake! Good thing I work out a lot so I can keep eating all the good stuff.

  12. You know, there’s so much about your blog I love, that it’s just damn sinful!!! First off, my mom is constantly telling me I have an inappropriate relationship with food, which I did…strike that DO!! But since January & my New Years Resolution, I’ve come into a personal life, putting my work schedule/ethics on the freaking backburner and demanding some fun for once in my overworked boring life!!! Since then, I’ve been dating a few guys, partying like crazy and enjoying my new life!!! However, my librarian clothes just wouldn’t do!! (i.e. sweat pants cookie monster T, pencil skirts, etc.) So I went on a shopping spree and what do you know?? In the time I had published four books and now, clothes got a lot smaller!!! So yes, Phil, we all feel the excruciating pinch and tightening of the designers belts!! It’s just so freaking awesome, that a man would say this!!! As for your size, I just so happen to love strong men with Viking bod’s, so you let us ladies worry about that!!! We love looking at our sexy muscular man from New York; and that food you’ve been eating and writing about, clearly does a body good!!! My advice: keep the treadmill churning, the calories burning and the food coming!!! lmao Inion 😉

    1. Hey InionMathair!

      Oh, come on. You’re a skinny young chick! Go out, get some sexy duds, and keep partying with all those hot guys!

      Thanks for the compliment! I guess I better keep lifting weights and running for miles so I can keep this hot bod while also eating and blogging about all the great food! 🙂

  13. ***She lures you in and stuffs you silly, then laughs in your face when you try to zip up those jeans***

    HAAaaa. At least we can blame somebody else for our FAT asses!

    Love the photo of you above, Mr. New York. x

  14. Clothes shopping? Sorry Phil. I love it oh, along with shopping for books. Food shopping on the other hand is so boring because….Oh sorry. Wrong discusssion! Oh yeah, shopping for clothes.

    Of course, it’s not easy these days and what was once continental size 36. (US Size 4). Isn’t any more. It’s different. Depending on the country of origin of the clothes. It could be Size 34 (Italian) or 42(American). When I went to San Francisco just 3 years ago. I bought a pair of Calvin Klein jeans (I couldn’t believe the price. It was so cheap, I bought two!). It was Size 2!

    Don’t get me started on shoes. Although I’m petite. At least in Germany I am (Haw! Haw!!). In Hong Kong, I’m a tall model LOL! Anyway, shoes. I have huge feet for a girl. Continental Size 42/43 or US 8.5/9.5! I can never find something pretty and decent. I have to go to London for heels and wear mens’ shoes for sport and hiking. Sigh!

    1. Hey Victoria!

      Your comment just got me even more confused! Now I really don’t want to go clothes shopping ever! I think they do this to us on purpose just for laughs. Designers are an evil bunch.

  15. Unfortunately, I lurve shopping for clothes and well, just shopping in general.

    But if that’s a recent pic of you Phil, you’re not looking too shabby! What are you complaining about?!

Feel free to comment! We all have opinions!