Holy crap, what the heck am I doing out here in 26 degree weather? I think I’ve made a huge mistake!

My slightly warped mind always seems to head back to that episode of Seinfeld. Whenever I am subjected to some pretty brutal weather conditions which makes my nether regions retreat up into my body like a turtle hiding in it’s shell. When it’s that cold outside in NYC, “shrinkage” is the appropriate reasoning for any gent trying to defend the rationale of “diminished manhood”!

I was shrinkage, Jerry! SHRINKAGE!!!

The situation of which I found myself in that was causing this strife was the Hoboken Jingle Bell 5K this past Saturday. Sweet Baby Jeebus was it frigid out. Normally, I enjoy the colder weather season, but this was downright brutal. Mother Nature has been throwing a mind-fuck at us with the yoyo’ing temps lately. One day 50 out, then a few days later 30, then another close to 60, and now here on this morning in the mid-20’s and windy.

She is one schizophrenic Bee-Yotch!

As I woke up on this morning there was still some snow and slush on the ground. Not enough to cause any damage, but just enough to make it messy for those of us running that day. I almost crawled back under the covers and pulled our comforter over my head, but decided to get dressed and make the most of it. Heavy sweatshirt, fleece jacket over it, hat, gloves, track pants. I figured that would be enough and I would warm up during the run. I walked out the front door and it hit me. Nope!

SHRINKAGE!!!

Good thing the subway stop is only a few blocks from our apartment. It’s only a few minutes to walk over, and a Starbucks right next to it to grab a hot coffee. Sauntered out with my cup of java and headed to Ho-Ho-Hoboken to participate in my 31^st official race, and last of 2017. Yeah, there was no way I was going to not run. Gotta finish out the year strong!

After a quick subway ride over to Jersey using the new Q train line to 34^th street Path Station to Hoboken I was confronted with a blast of arctic air in my face as I ascended from the train station depths. Wow – now that woke me up after a nice nap on the train ride over. It was as if Snow Miser himself bitch slapped me and kicked me in the nuts. As if Mr. Freeze of Batman fame, and Jack Frost himself conspired to make our lives miserable the whole 3.1 mile run. Even Old Man Winter added to the douchbaggery by blowing around ice-cold air at us while we waited on lines to sign in, and attach our run bibs before race start time. Yeah, this was horrible.

SHRINKAGE!!!

It got to the point where I had enough, and headed to one of the porta potties on site to escape the elements. Now, I am one who normally enjoys the colder dry air weather, but even I have a breaking point, and if I had to hide out in a poop container for thirty minutes, then so be it. I have no shame!  At least I escaped to a place where I didn’t feel like a human popsicle. Damn, why do people keep banging on the door? It’s not like they need to take a dump or something, right? Move on! Find your own personal piece of Heaven.

Oh well, all good things do come to an end, and I had to go outside the crapper to actually run the race.

SHRINKAGE!!!

What can I say? This was a well-organized event, and being that it was their inaugural race, all went off without a hitch. They had nice helpful people working the registration area, fun volunteers along the course rooting us on and giving directions, along with some sponsor companies handing out free food samples and massages. (No, not the happy ending kind! In that frigid air? Talk about shrinkage! That would be like trying to stimulate one of those mini pickle Cornichons. Not happening on this day! Nope. Nope. Nope.)

Overall, I did warm up during the run, and ran a pretty decent race. The route we had to run was well plowed, and cleared of snow and ice. It was along the water offering wonderful views of the Manhattan skyline. Even though it was a bit blustery out the sunny skies helped warm me up a bit. I can’t complain at all as I ran a sub-30 minute 5K, and finished at 29:26. Pretty solid considering I felt like one giant icicle all morning. They also gave us a neat dri-fit running shirt as swag for the day, and jingle bells to attach to our sneakers during the race. Hot chocolate, coffee, bananas, and water was also offered. The cups of water had a top layer of ice on them it was so cold!

SHRINKAGE!!!

Afterwards, a bunch of us made a bee-line to the after party which was held at a nearby bar. Now, that’s how to finish off the last run of the year. In a cozy warm drinking establishment imbibing an ice-cold Shiner beer. Yeah, it was 26 degrees outside, but nothing beats a crisp cold brew after a good run.

Looking forward to the upcoming year’s running adventures. Hopefully, with less instances of the dreaded Shrinkage!!!