So, I went to meet my gal at Penn Station the other night after she went out to spend the day with relatives and the first thing she says when she sees me?
“Someone took a huge dump on the train platform! Not just one, but three giant piles of turds!” I laughed, and suggested that maybe it was someone’s dog that pooped there. “Hell no!” she stated. “That was human dukies. No way was that some Pomeranian poop! She was obviously disgusted. Perhaps a bit mortified.
Of course, being the jaded New Yorker that I am I wanted to go down and take pictures of this monster pile of human excrement, but the look she gave me with the side-eye suggested otherwise if I knew what was good for me. Heck, I have enough food porn pics on my cell phone, so why not just add this to my collection? Salad pic. Soup pic. Salmon pic. Dessert pic. Giant turd pic. Fits right in!
Such is life in NYC where people don’t think twice about defecating in a public place. I mean, I realize when the need to take a huge one is first and foremost, and nothing else matters at that point as you clench your butt cheeks together and desperately try to find a public bathroom in Manhattan. ( Which is almost impossible unless a Starbucks is close by – my personal public bathroom of choice. ) Your body is coated in sweat, you walk with robotic stiff-legged movement holding it in, and search in panic for a place of sweet release.
We have all been there who live in this city. Yet, at what point does human bodily function overpower rational thinking? At what point does one just say “Oh screw it, this is happening right here. Right now. Can’t wait anymore.” Then drops trou, squats, and lets it rip. In public. In front of the horrified looks of men, women, and children.
Can you just imagine a society where this is a common occurrence? People just squatting and pushing quietly in the library. Women crapping in the middle of Trader Joe’s. Everyone taking a dump in Central Park. Leaving a big steaming pile of excrement under the table at a Michelin Star restaurant. Dudes crapping on the sidewalks and not curbing themselves ( pretty much the same as many asshole dog owners lately ). Dropping a log on line at Chipotle.
When “dropping the kids off at the pool” means just exactly what you would think. Except it’s actually in a public pool! Shades of that scene in Caddyshack.
Tinder profiles would feature pics of people showing off their craptastic dumps. Swipe right or left? Does size matter? Color and density? Even better, these dating apps would develop “scratch and sniff” technology. The more pungent the better?
“Hmmmm….this guy Steve has a massive dump. Deep and dark in color. With the aroma of rotting flesh, liver, eggplant, and onions. Yum. I need to meet him. Get me some of that! Swipe right!”
Over my years living in NYC I have viewed some questionable piles of turds on the streets and sidewalks which resemble only something a Great Dane or Bull Moose could have ejected from their bowels. Not some little dog or NYC rat. As I head to the gym during those early morning hours and sidestep these monster cow patties I always wonder if they came out of a human anus in the wee hours of the morning.
Damn, I should have run down to that train platform and taken pictures. For research purposes of course!