I don’t normally write about politics. In fact, I can’t stand politics, but it is a fact of life and it creeps into our everday lives like a hemorrhoid that just won’t go away. Like death and taxes government just seems to be something that is a guarantee in our lives. I recently viewed a television report that covered the proposed ban on smoking in cars because having a cigarette while driving might help cause cars accidents. Really? What’s next? No radio playing in cars because it takes away from driver concentration? How about no speaking while driving too so the driver can focus on the road? It really is getting out of hand, and seems that politicians have nothing better to do than come up with stupid law proposals just so it will look like they are actually doing something to earn the positions we voted them in for. If we as a people don’t put a stop to this there will be an abundance of crazy rules and regulations that will be enforced on us. Hey, just look over at our Mayoro Bloombito here in NYC as he has come up with some doozies over the years. Before we know it, Big Brother Government will be taking part in the most mundane aspects of our lives!
I can envision the following ridiculous proposals our politicians will come up with.
TP Allocation Law – There will be a strict count as to the number of toilet paper squares per crapper. TP Allocation Stewards will be assigned to each bathroom in the workplace and paid for by taxpayer dollars to hand out and monitor TP square usage. If one goes over his/her daily allotment there will be none offered the following day, and a maximum fine of up to $250 per overage. Be prepared to hold it in until you get home!
Mirror Monitors – Predetermined time limits well be enforced on all ladies entering the woman’s bathrooms for mirror use. Everyone should have equal mirror time. A timer will go off as soon as a woman stands in front of the mirror based on amount of hair and makeup she has on, and needs to primp and re-apply. If she goes over her time limit an alarm will sound and a bucket of poisonous spiders and insects will be dumped on her from the ceiling. Talk about pressure!
The Pee Splash Zone – All men entering the washroom will be closely watched to make sure every drop of pee enters the urinal or toilet bowl. A strategically placed lazer beam will be situated at each one, and each time any pee hits the floor one centimeter will be lopped off the criminal penis. If forgetting to flush one inch will be lazered off. It’s all about respect for public hygiene. Better get practicing that accuracy!
Calorie Count Law – Each citizen will have a daily requirement and limit on calorie consumption. If one goes over the daily allotment be prepared to be whisked away in the “Enema Van” at any time. Will make you think next time your bite into that huge ass burger or order those disco fries! What goes in will come out – whether you like it or not!
The Canine Poopie Patrol – Armed patrols of men and women will be displaced on the city streets to keep an eye out for those who do not curb your dogs. The first offence will force the dog owner to pick it up with bare hands. The second offense will require the offender to smear it all over themselves. Do you really want to know what a third offense gets you? Let’s just say you might want to carry some breath mints.
Oxygen Consumption – It has come to the government’s attention that some of us are breathing in way too much oxygen. Repeat offenders will not be allowed to breath during certain parts of the day. If the law is repeatedly broken your oxygen privileges will be revoked!
The Butt Law – Smoking is a dirty, nasty, and unhealthy habit. Even more so are the cigarette butts that smokers purposely throw on sidewalks and streets when finished. Butt Police will be assigned to patrol and look out for these offenders. Those caught doing this will be fined $1000 per butt discarded, and forced to watch 48 hours straight of Justin Beiber and Paris Hilton music videos. Stick needles in my eyes!
Television Time Law- No longer will we be allowed to watch what we want in the privacy of our own homes as our politicians feel we are too mind polluted by crass reality tv shows. Therefore only one hour per day will be allowed to watch what we like. The other hours will be filled with PBS, Animal Netork, and Fox News. All tv’s will be monitored and those breaking the law will have their tv removed for 30 days. If caught watching too much porn your local politicians will actually join you for viewing parties!
Farting Zones – It has come to the realization that we as a people pass gass too often, and the goverment does not agree with it’s constituents polluting the air with our personal fragrants. Therefore, all of our anuses will be outfitted with computer chips to read and monitor the amount of gas we pass, along with registering the stinkiness of the offending farts. There will be fart free zones set up in all towns and cities, and those breaking the law will have their farting privileges removed indefinitely. Oh the agony!
Big Brother Government is really there to make all of our lives better! They are watching over us for our own sakes!
So what do you think? What idiotic new laws can you see them proposing to enrich the public’s lives next?
I know. It’s lunacy! If some dumbass doesn’t want to use a seatbelt, let him splatter his spleen against the steering wheel.
I think that Oxygen Consumption and Farting should be included under the same law. : )
Hi Lauren!
LOL – now that’s a thought! Hmmm……we do need oxygen to breath in the farting. I’ll contact our Congressmen and let them know.
I would be very wary of my mirror time and letting Roxy poop in the park…I could “get behind” the farting zone, especially with all those offenders at football games.. Big brother is watching
Hi Susie!
You better bring that pooper scooper with you! I always thought football and farting go hand in hand with all the beer wings, and sausages we eat at the games!
Nothing pisses me off more than government intervention into our lives. My mantra is “out of my body, out of my head, out of my wallet, and out of my bed”.
Really – totally pissed!
UP
Hello UP!
You mad bro? You mad? I agree. Just let us live already.
Here’s another one
Screaming kids will be banned from shopping malls.
And no I am not joking. Take a look
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/crackdown-on-screaming-children-by-dee-why-grand-shopping-centre/story-fnet08ui-1226581462937
Hey Nina!
Ha! First time I have ever seen that. Hey, I am no fan of screaming unruly kids, but many times it’s just as much the lazy parents fault.
Thanks for the comment and interesting link.
Some of these I could actually see happening.
I totally agree with you on the smoking in cars law. Just an attempt by some politician to look like s/he’s working hard.
Hi Jill!
It would be funny and scary at the same time if some of these were real!
One day our politicians will actually use their brains!
I need the pee splash zone one in my bathroom. Or to have someone else clean my bathroom 🙂 I agree that there are way too many laws written about the most ridiculous things, I think that a lot of them are made so that people in congress feel special and like they have done something during their term.
Hi Frugal!
I think we should all have personal bathroom cleaners. Where are the Scrubbing Bubble guys when you need them?
I agree with your view on people in Congress!
This is a funny article. This is off the point but often when I go shopping at places like Walmart, the bathrooms are always filthy. And there’s water flooded all over the sink and floor, including pieces of toilet paper trashed inside the sinks and clogging them. These stores got to start cleaning their bathrooms more, what’s wrong with them?
Hi Susana,
Some of those public bathrooms are pretty nasty! I think some people purposely destroy them. The stores employees don’t want to clean them or it’s not enforced. Glad you liked this post!
You’ve have said what I’ve been thinking since I read this essay by someone who is a fat smoker with no remorse. It was a good essay, but she received a lot of hater comments, because she wants to exercise her right to do what she wants with her body. As someone who use to smoke for years I REFUSE to support all these bans on smoking. I’m sorry, but if someone is smoking and it bothers me, I just leave the area. And anyone who get’s self righteous about it should be wary, because as you show, there will always be something that annoys someone or “puts them in danger”. I’m sick of taxes on soda, calories counters, people telling me where I can go, what I can buy. What is this, V for Vendetta? The problem is nobody thinks their rights will be put in jeopardy. I don’t want people to die of second hand smoke or obesity related problems, but it’s the nature of the beast. I really want to look into moving to Canada.
Hey Holly!
Wow – thanks for the well thought out reply. I’ll admit that I do like that there is no smoking allowed in bars and restaurants here in NYC, but some of the other wacky rules being bandied about are stupid, such as the soda size one. Thanks for reading and your reply.
I’ll visit you up in Canada for some pancakes and doughnuts!
Let’s not forget new laws requiring our addressing criminals by their politically correct new names:
Murderer: Unauthorized Life Extraction Syndrome
Serial Killer: Repetitive Unauthorized Life Extraction Syndrome
Rapist: Nonconsented Sex Recovery Syndrome
Child Molestor: Hormonally Imbalanced Youth Retainment Syndrome
Thief: Unauthorized Habitual Permanent Borrowing Syndrome
And on and on it goes.
An-Hel!
Dude, you put some thought into these! Sigh – yes, our politicians at times seems to have nothing better to do than label things to be “PC” friendy so they can save votes and not piss off any one group.
So lame it is.
This post is hilarious. You need to form a political party mate, I’m sure you’ll win the vote, especially with all that blue gear on, ha ha ha ha. President Filbio.
I’m off to fart, poop, pee and watch TV now. Lets see if I get a knock on the door 🙂
Hey Rum Punch!
LOL! Too much dirt on me out there to run for office! No way!
Hope you pooped in peace!
Yes indeedy! Have you heard about the ‘nipple slip’ law some waste of skin is promoting in North Carolina? Here’s the story…
http://www.realitythinking.org/2013/02/16/north-carolina-considers-criminalizing-nipple-exposure/
Don’t know about you, but I think nipples need a nipple rights advocate.
Hello Nancy!
Thanks so much for dropping by my blog!
Just read that post. Unbelievable. This country is way too hung up on nudity. It’s just a nipple, or two. Sure, there are certain people that should never be seen nude, but that is another story! 🙂
This country declared its freedom in 1776, and people have been trying to control one another ever since. There’s a special arrogance in NYC lately. So much smarter and better than thou.
Hey Astro!
I hear ya. People, and government, just need to chill out and let us live our lives. Starting with Mayor Bloomberg who needs to take the biggest chill pill!