I don’t normally write about politics. In fact, I can’t stand politics, but it is a fact of life and it creeps into our everday lives like a hemorrhoid that just won’t go away. Like death and taxes government just seems to be something that is a guarantee in our lives. I recently viewed a television report that covered the proposed ban on smoking in cars because having a cigarette while driving might help cause cars accidents. Really? What’s next? No radio playing in cars because it takes away from driver concentration? How about no speaking while driving too so the driver can focus on the road? It really is getting out of hand, and seems that politicians have nothing better to do than come up with stupid law proposals just so it will look like they are actually doing something to earn the positions we voted them in for. If we as a people don’t put a stop to this there will be an abundance of crazy rules and regulations that will be enforced on us. Hey, just look over at our Mayoro Bloombito here in NYC as he has come up with some doozies over the years. Before we know it, Big Brother Government will be taking part in the most mundane aspects of our lives!
I can envision the following ridiculous proposals our politicians will come up with.
TP Allocation Law – There will be a strict count as to the number of toilet paper squares per crapper. TP Allocation Stewards will be assigned to each bathroom in the workplace and paid for by taxpayer dollars to hand out and monitor TP square usage. If one goes over his/her daily allotment there will be none offered the following day, and a maximum fine of up to $250 per overage. Be prepared to hold it in until you get home!
Mirror Monitors – Predetermined time limits well be enforced on all ladies entering the woman’s bathrooms for mirror use. Everyone should have equal mirror time. A timer will go off as soon as a woman stands in front of the mirror based on amount of hair and makeup she has on, and needs to primp and re-apply. If she goes over her time limit an alarm will sound and a bucket of poisonous spiders and insects will be dumped on her from the ceiling. Talk about pressure!
The Pee Splash Zone – All men entering the washroom will be closely watched to make sure every drop of pee enters the urinal or toilet bowl. A strategically placed lazer beam will be situated at each one, and each time any pee hits the floor one centimeter will be lopped off the criminal penis. If forgetting to flush one inch will be lazered off. It’s all about respect for public hygiene. Better get practicing that accuracy!
Calorie Count Law – Each citizen will have a daily requirement and limit on calorie consumption. If one goes over the daily allotment be prepared to be whisked away in the “Enema Van” at any time. Will make you think next time your bite into that huge ass burger or order those disco fries! What goes in will come out – whether you like it or not!
The Canine Poopie Patrol – Armed patrols of men and women will be displaced on the city streets to keep an eye out for those who do not curb your dogs. The first offence will force the dog owner to pick it up with bare hands. The second offense will require the offender to smear it all over themselves. Do you really want to know what a third offense gets you? Let’s just say you might want to carry some breath mints.
Oxygen Consumption – It has come to the government’s attention that some of us are breathing in way too much oxygen. Repeat offenders will not be allowed to breath during certain parts of the day. If the law is repeatedly broken your oxygen privileges will be revoked!
The Butt Law – Smoking is a dirty, nasty, and unhealthy habit. Even more so are the cigarette butts that smokers purposely throw on sidewalks and streets when finished. Butt Police will be assigned to patrol and look out for these offenders. Those caught doing this will be fined $1000 per butt discarded, and forced to watch 48 hours straight of Justin Beiber and Paris Hilton music videos. Stick needles in my eyes!
Television Time Law- No longer will we be allowed to watch what we want in the privacy of our own homes as our politicians feel we are too mind polluted by crass reality tv shows. Therefore only one hour per day will be allowed to watch what we like. The other hours will be filled with PBS, Animal Netork, and Fox News. All tv’s will be monitored and those breaking the law will have their tv removed for 30 days. If caught watching too much porn your local politicians will actually join you for viewing parties!
Farting Zones – It has come to the realization that we as a people pass gass too often, and the goverment does not agree with it’s constituents polluting the air with our personal fragrants. Therefore, all of our anuses will be outfitted with computer chips to read and monitor the amount of gas we pass, along with registering the stinkiness of the offending farts. There will be fart free zones set up in all towns and cities, and those breaking the law will have their farting privileges removed indefinitely. Oh the agony!
Big Brother Government is really there to make all of our lives better! They are watching over us for our own sakes!
So what do you think? What idiotic new laws can you see them proposing to enrich the public’s lives next?