Happy Independence Day everyone! The 4th of July has so much meaning and relevance to so many of us. As a country we are free to make our own gluttonous decisions of what to eat and drink. What kind of job to do. Where we live. What we wear. I still can’t believe it only been 18 short years since Will Smith fought back the alien invasion and saved the human race from extinction! We have so much to be thankful for that the Fresh Prince was there to deliver us from utter annihilation. I’m still in awe that we were able to rebuild the White House so quickly. Normally, our idiot politicians on Capitol Hill can’t decide on anything other than voting on raises for themselves and what extended vacations they are taking. Good thing we have Freedom fighters like Captain Steven Hillar on hand!
Hey, it’s a big weekend for picnics and backyard BBQ’s. As a nation of carnivores we consume a ridiculous amount of meat during this time. Hot dogs! We stuff our faces with over 150,000,000 of these tubular bad boys. Arteries be damned! Many of us out there who think we are grilled meat masters load up the BBQ with a mountain of charcoal briquettes and shoot so much igniter fluid on it that the flames burn off our eybrows. It’s like cooking raw meat on a barnfire! Yes – AMURRICA! Down south there are those who even throw a deep fried turkey on the menu and cook it right on their patio. What’s a little house fire to liven up the festivities? This is AMERICA! Taste our Freedom! Burgers, steak, processed meat!
That being said the 4th of July holiday weekend brings all types of cockroaches, um, I mean relatives, out of the woodwork and into our backyards to feast on our meat! They also drink all of our beer! It’s always kind of awkward when toothless uncle Elroy drops in unannounced with his kids and pregnant new wife in tow and introduces her as his first cousin. It’s like one of those bad redneck stereotypes we see in movies and TV. You also can’t get rid of them as they camp out on your couch and in your swimming pool the whole holiday weekend. The oil slick that forms in the pool is kind of nasty. Just also take precautions that none of the other female family members end up pregnant. No one wants unexpected fireworks. Talk about the holiday ending with a bang of Freedom!
Which brings us to the reason we celebrate this joyous celebration of AMURRICAN Freedom – blowing stuff up! It’s a right of passage here. We need to blow things up with extreme firepower and deafening explosions. We have the right here to drink as much booze as we want while risking the loss of our thumbs setting off mini kegs of gunpowder. Boo Ya! People say that fireworks and drinking don’t mix. I have to agree. You risk spilling your beer as you run for your life after igniting a rocket powerful enough to blow your arms off. Good lord, don’t spill a perfectly good beer! But, sweet damn, ain’t that a pretty sight up in the night sky? Just have some tourniquets on hand. The ambulance will arrive before you bleed out. Here, hold this firecracker while I light it. Don’t want to spill my beer.
Come now, we all know that Freedom does not come free. It’s something that’s earned and cherised. We all owe our debt to those who fought for our right to be free. Freedom just does not come to us. Well, maybe just Chuck Norris. Freedom comes to him. It fears him. It better dare not avoid him. He is Chuck Norris after all. The only thing we know is that Chuck is Freedom. Don’t agree? You go tell him. I’m not getting kicked in the face.
What’s more romantic than watching the fireworks light up the night sky with your main squeeze? The big sounds. The explosions. The twinkling lights. The rockets red glare. And that’s what goes on in the bedroom afterwards! Or, the back seat of a car. Skyrockets in flight – afternoon delight! Nothing like admiring the pyrotechnics and then setting off some fireworks of your own. Boom chica bow wow! Hey baby, wanna see my bottle rocket? Stand back. I don’t want to scare you with the size of my Freedom!
After the day of celebrating Freedom many of us have a three day weekend to fill up. Three days filled with feasting and drink. Going to see the summer blockbusters. Partying with friends. Heading out on vacations and weekend getaways. Running to the beach. Hiding from annoying relatives. The only thing that ruins it all is having to go back to work on Monday. I declare that Monday is now an invalid part of the week. Just like Pluto as a planet. It doesn’t exist anymore. That’s Freedom!
In parting I leave you with an inspirational quote from one of America’s greatest thespians and poet laureates, John “Bluto” Blutarsky.
“What? Over? Did you say ‘over’? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!…
It ain’t over now, ’cause when the goin’ gets tough, the tough get goin’. Who’s with me? Let’s go! Come on!
What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst. Well, just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Wormer, he’s a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer…dead!”
If that doesn’t cry out Freedom I don’t know what does! Well, maybe a unicorn bursting out in flames over the Capitol draped with the American flag as fireworks punctuate the night sky. Happy Birthday America!