As I am turning into a human bathhouse walking the streets of NYC I look around and view people of all types seemingly oblivious to the NYC summer heat and humidity. I don’t get it. There are those walking past me with layers of clothes on, heavy jackets, and thick jeans. Like it’s cold out. I am not kidding here as during my 5 mile run last night in Central Park I actually saw a dude jogging in jeans! IN JEANS! Can you just imagine peeling those off after that? Muenster cheese anyone?
Pretty much how I feel walking around NYC during this heat and humidity –
So many people keep saying how they love this weather. I look at you while experiencing a sloppy furnace of taint sweat and utter grossness and I am judging you. I am judging you hard, New Yorkers!
1) As anyone who has ever ridden the NYC subway knows the platforms are nothing more than Hades itself in summer. Sweltering infernos of heat that blow and sway as the trains roar by. Then roast you like a pig on a spit as you wait for what seems like an eternity for your train to arrive. Don’t even get me started on the beads of sweat that roll down your ass crack and pretty much ruins your day. It’s inevitable and unavoidable during NYC summers. Which leads me to…….
2) Swamp Ass. So nasty and a part of life when dealing with gross humid air. Doesn’t matter if you’re in work attire, casual pants, summer dress, or shorts. The ass of swamp will find you and there is little to do to avoid it. Talc, baby powder, Gold Bond. Invest in a truckload as I do and apply generously. My bathroom looks like a flour factory exploded each time I am done slapping it on my nether regions. I resemble the Pillsbury Dough Boy when I exit the bathroom, and my gal wants to strangle me as somehow powder ends up on the walls, mirror, floor, and ceiling. Hey, ya gotta slap it up there hard into every seam and crevice! Be thorough!
3) Seriously, citizens of NYC, for the love of God please shower daily and use deodorant. This one goes without saying, and is sad that it should even be mentioned out loud. The odor that emanates from some people I have had the horror of being next to on the subway, gym, movie theater, etc, is an experience in cruelty on the highest level. It makes me want to vomit, and perhaps pass out. Now, I do realize that some folks have a natural body odor that can’t be helped much, as it’s a chemical thing, so this rant is directed at those who are just nasty! Look, I’m not advocating dousing yourself in cologne or Axe body spray, but damn, hygiene people! This should not be a maybe, but a must. Smelling good will makes us all appreciate it as we suffer the summer heat.
4) There is nothing more terrifying feeling than when someone brushes up against you and slathers their body sweat on your arm. It drives me nuts when others can’t observe my personal space zone. This is a real thing for New Yorkers, and we get angry about it! Sorry to say that the biggest culprits are European tourists. It’s true! Most of the time my space has been penetrated it has mainly been from those visiting from abroad. It’s like they don’t get the personal space concept here. In the subway, out on the sidewalk, in a museum, on the queue, it doesn’t matter where, they are all up in my business. None of us want anyone that close during the summer heat and humidity. Back off!
5) Oh, and this guy. Screw him!