Hey NYC – What the heck is in that backpack?

 

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Seriously, what the heck are you dragging around in there? I have often wondered that myself on a daily basis here in NYC as I see people from all walks of life wearing backbacks nowadays. Growing up I never wore one of these things. In fact, I never even owned one until recently when I received it as a reward for a charity event I participated in. I used it once to carry my necessities to the Tough Mudder I did a few months back. Now it sits in a corner of my closet gathering dust and taking up space. I just don’t get why so many people see fit to wear these things every day back and forth to work or wherever they are going. I hate carrying around anything extra with me, or on me, when heading out of our apartment. I like to be loose and free. It just irritates me to no end when some of these backpack morons push into a crowded subway car wearing these things and blast me with it. Common courtesy dictates one takes it off when we are all packed in like sardines in the human orgy and non-consenting grinder that is the NYC subway system. Bad enough when some weirdo stranger, smelly dude, or over perfumed lady is rubbing up against you in a not so convivial or welcomed manner. Hey, rush hour on the NYC MTA will certainly force you to know your fellow New Yorkers up close and personal whether you like it or not! Having a backpack slammed into your face is even better! Not! I almost went all “road rage” on some hipster doofus the other day who kept hitting into me with it but refused to take it off. Really, what is so important that you need this thing attached to you? What are you hiding in there? Hmmmmm……..

1 – A Human Head

That’s gotta be it! Why else would you keep that thing attached to you for dear life? Are you afraid Brad Pitt is gonna run up on you begging and screaming to know what’s in the box like in the movie “Seven”? I’m sure there are a few harvesting body parts in those bags.

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2 – Smelly Gym Gear

Yeah, like a gym workout is just going to pop up out of nowhere. You’ll be walking along the street and all of a sudden have the urge to slap on the spandex and leg warmers. Richard Simmons will jump out of a Starbucks and start running a jumping jacks class. Oh yeah, please make sure the eye bleach is in that backpack as I now need some. No one wants to see him in those 1970’s gym shorts that are way too tiny. Who you kidding anyway? You’re going to happy hour after work. That bag has your “walk of shame” clothes in it.

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3 – A Cured Ham

Well, it is the holiday season. Just in case you need a cured ham to knosh on. Gotta be prepared in case you are invited to someone’s place for dinner. Nothing says I’m ready to eat than a two week old rotting ham in your sack. Happy Holidays! Hey buddy, what the heck is that smell?

4 – Sex Toys

You just know there are those creepers out there who walk around with a backpack full of lubes, whips, bondage equipment, condoms, and assorted sexual paraphernalia.  It’s like they are anticipating hooking up at a moment’s notice, or falling into a swingers party around any corner. These are the weirdos that will stare at you across the subway car as if they want to devour you. Hey, this is NYC after all. Whip me, spank me, make me beg!

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5 – Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Maybe a pack of gum and some chap stick. A bottle of water. Dirty underwear. Basically, it’s empty. I think the backpack is the new trendy accessory. People are sheep and will go with the herd. It’s like when all the lemmings must have the new iphone, designer label clothes, cronut, pocketbook, etc. “Hey, he has a backpack and now I want to wear that ugly thing in public too!” “I must say that backpack makes your ass look small!” “That backpack is just so sexy!” Said no one ever.

Sorry, I just don’t get it.

38 thoughts on “Hey NYC – What the heck is in that backpack?”

  1. My beloved backpack is black leather with tan trim. It’s gone all over the world with me. Usually it contains the following: sweater or jacket, padded laptop case (with MacAir, international current converter, and chargers), umbrella, bottle of water, hat & gloves (winter) or flip-flops & sunglasses (summer) and a little ziplock emergency bag with necessities of life (spare undies, socks, migraine Rx, travel toothbrush & mini toothpaste, travel shampoo/soap, tweezers, little sewing kit, deodorant, silk scarf, earrings/necklace/bracelet). It has a hidden interior pocket for passport, checkbook, and wallet. MOST important of all, it has several packets of Starbucks Via instant coffee and a measuring tape.

    After a very nice British boy stopped me on the Ponte Vecchio bridge in Italy to tell me that a man behind me had unzipped the pack was peering in (lost one sweater, but luckily all else was still there), it also has a charming little padlock.

    If I was in New York, I’d probably be on my way to do some writing at the Ace Hotel. There might also, therefore, be bagels and a few hamentashen from Zabar’s.

    So yeah… that’s what’s in my backpack. You could probably drop me in the middle of almost any global city and I’d be fine. Sadly, there are no actual sex toys, although I suppose in a pinch we could get creative with the measuring tape…

    (Okay, occasionally there are gym clothes too. But they go into their own separate bag. Cause…eeew.)
    Barb Taub recently posted…Déjà vu Blogfest: Top Ten Reasons Not to Get Married (for women)My Profile

  2. Yes! Haha. 1 and 4 made me laugh. I can hear Brad yelling now. And 4… well I’m not sure why sex toys would need to be so portable. But who knows.

    Maybe it’s a security thing? They feel more comfortable than the usual big purse or satchel-type bag? You should ask one!

    Good to read your writing, Phil. It’s been too long!
    Jean recently posted…What Happens in a Disney World BathroomMy Profile

  3. I use to wear a back pack and not even a nice one, but one of those Haglöfs ones, which were the sh*t in Sweden 10 years ago among computer science students (can you imagine what a fashion no-no it is today then? FYI it still, hasn’t gone retro). Through the years I’ve been carrying lots of stuff around in it, including a dissection kit and a jar of sour dough:)
    Mitzie Mee recently posted…Mitzie Mee & Friends :: Dubai: Ask ExPIAtriatewifeMy Profile

  4. So funny! “Who you kidding anyway? You’re going to happy hour after work. That bag has your “walk of shame” clothes.”
    What’s in a backpack? I secretly have one too. Yikes!
    I only use it when I’m travelling though so I can squash as many books and games in them as I can, as my leather “laptop” bag is for corporate flights only, but that’s just me. I bow my head in shame!
    Victoria recently posted…I went to Korea, but I should have been in Qatar!My Profile

  5. I hate backpacks! My husband doesn’t have a backpack, but he carries three other bags since he works with computers and needs 15 different computers (at least it seems he does) to go to work everyday. It looks like he is being overtaken by man bags…..
    Foodie in WV recently posted…Spicy Franks and BeansMy Profile

  6. When I am doing daytrips or traveling, I carry a backpack. It makes life easier. So when I am in NYC for a day or two, I’ll be carrying one. But I also have etiquette. I do it to carry things I’ll need, be it a jacket, or something to drink, or a camera, or … whatever else. It’s a very helpful thing to have.

    That being said, I can see the flip side of it, all pending on how people act with them.
    P.J. recently posted…2014 in Review: Looking back (part 1)My Profile

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