Seriously, what the heck are you dragging around in there? I have often wondered that myself on a daily basis here in NYC as I see people from all walks of life wearing backbacks nowadays. Growing up I never wore one of these things. In fact, I never even owned one until recently when I received it as a reward for a charity event I participated in. I used it once to carry my necessities to the Tough Mudder I did a few months back. Now it sits in a corner of my closet gathering dust and taking up space. I just don’t get why so many people see fit to wear these things every day back and forth to work or wherever they are going. I hate carrying around anything extra with me, or on me, when heading out of our apartment. I like to be loose and free. It just irritates me to no end when some of these backpack morons push into a crowded subway car wearing these things and blast me with it. Common courtesy dictates one takes it off when we are all packed in like sardines in the human orgy and non-consenting grinder that is the NYC subway system. Bad enough when some weirdo stranger, smelly dude, or over perfumed lady is rubbing up against you in a not so convivial or welcomed manner. Hey, rush hour on the NYC MTA will certainly force you to know your fellow New Yorkers up close and personal whether you like it or not! Having a backpack slammed into your face is even better! Not! I almost went all “road rage” on some hipster doofus the other day who kept hitting into me with it but refused to take it off. Really, what is so important that you need this thing attached to you? What are you hiding in there? Hmmmmm……..
1 – A Human Head
That’s gotta be it! Why else would you keep that thing attached to you for dear life? Are you afraid Brad Pitt is gonna run up on you begging and screaming to know what’s in the box like in the movie “Seven”? I’m sure there are a few harvesting body parts in those bags.
2 – Smelly Gym Gear
Yeah, like a gym workout is just going to pop up out of nowhere. You’ll be walking along the street and all of a sudden have the urge to slap on the spandex and leg warmers. Richard Simmons will jump out of a Starbucks and start running a jumping jacks class. Oh yeah, please make sure the eye bleach is in that backpack as I now need some. No one wants to see him in those 1970’s gym shorts that are way too tiny. Who you kidding anyway? You’re going to happy hour after work. That bag has your “walk of shame” clothes in it.
3 – A Cured Ham
Well, it is the holiday season. Just in case you need a cured ham to knosh on. Gotta be prepared in case you are invited to someone’s place for dinner. Nothing says I’m ready to eat than a two week old rotting ham in your sack. Happy Holidays! Hey buddy, what the heck is that smell?
4 – Sex Toys
You just know there are those creepers out there who walk around with a backpack full of lubes, whips, bondage equipment, condoms, and assorted sexual paraphernalia. It’s like they are anticipating hooking up at a moment’s notice, or falling into a swingers party around any corner. These are the weirdos that will stare at you across the subway car as if they want to devour you. Hey, this is NYC after all. Whip me, spank me, make me beg!
5 – Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
Maybe a pack of gum and some chap stick. A bottle of water. Dirty underwear. Basically, it’s empty. I think the backpack is the new trendy accessory. People are sheep and will go with the herd. It’s like when all the lemmings must have the new iphone, designer label clothes, cronut, pocketbook, etc. “Hey, he has a backpack and now I want to wear that ugly thing in public too!” “I must say that backpack makes your ass look small!” “That backpack is just so sexy!” Said no one ever.
Sorry, I just don’t get it.
38 thoughts on “Hey NYC – What the heck is in that backpack?”
Hilarious! Why is NO ONE aware of backpack etiquette on the subway? Put that massively inconvenient thing in front of you or on the floor so it isn’t probing into my back. THANKS!
Thanks for dropping by and commenting! Yeah, the subway backpack idiots drive me nuts. One day I’m going to drag one of them down by it!
#4 for the win. Totally sex toys.
Well well well. Now we all know what might be hidden in your backpack, pocketbook, or in your panties. Naughty lady!
My beloved backpack is black leather with tan trim. It’s gone all over the world with me. Usually it contains the following: sweater or jacket, padded laptop case (with MacAir, international current converter, and chargers), umbrella, bottle of water, hat & gloves (winter) or flip-flops & sunglasses (summer) and a little ziplock emergency bag with necessities of life (spare undies, socks, migraine Rx, travel toothbrush & mini toothpaste, travel shampoo/soap, tweezers, little sewing kit, deodorant, silk scarf, earrings/necklace/bracelet). It has a hidden interior pocket for passport, checkbook, and wallet. MOST important of all, it has several packets of Starbucks Via instant coffee and a measuring tape.
After a very nice British boy stopped me on the Ponte Vecchio bridge in Italy to tell me that a man behind me had unzipped the pack was peering in (lost one sweater, but luckily all else was still there), it also has a charming little padlock.
If I was in New York, I’d probably be on my way to do some writing at the Ace Hotel. There might also, therefore, be bagels and a few hamentashen from Zabar’s.
So yeah… that’s what’s in my backpack. You could probably drop me in the middle of almost any global city and I’d be fine. Sadly, there are no actual sex toys, although I suppose in a pinch we could get creative with the measuring tape…
(Okay, occasionally there are gym clothes too. But they go into their own separate bag. Cause…eeew.)
Whoa – now that’s a detailed description. Sounds like you’re ready for when the zombie apocalpyse happens. Just need to stock up on those sex toys. You never know when they’ll come in handy! 😉
I totally agree. Very rude in tight spaces. And Dear God my eyes are bleeding looking at that last backpack!
Thanks for dropping by and commenting!
Sorry about your eyes. Get out the eye bleach! Now whenever you see a backpack you’ll think of that pic and my blog!
With you on the backpacks. True story: I was once accosted by Richard Simmons in a mall food court. It was a very frightening experience.
LOL! Did he attack you for eating a burger and fries? Did he make you start doing jumping jacks?
Well now, I bet you would like to take a peek into my backcountry pack as well. It’s amazing what some folks will haul with them into the woods…
I think I’m kind of scared to look into yours now……
Maybe the backpacks are actually empty and the people are just taunting you with them! Hehe 🙂
I would think half the city has it in for me then! 🙂
Where exactly do you find those people with the sex toys in their back pack. Because, well, you know, I need to know where to stay away from. Yeah, that’s it, I need to know where to stay away from . . .
Yeah, I know, you’re just asking. For a friend.
Yes, that’s it. Not that you would like to peek inside. Nah.
Yes! Haha. 1 and 4 made me laugh. I can hear Brad yelling now. And 4… well I’m not sure why sex toys would need to be so portable. But who knows.
Maybe it’s a security thing? They feel more comfortable than the usual big purse or satchel-type bag? You should ask one!
Good to read your writing, Phil. It’s been too long!
#1 and #4? Leave it to you to combine head and sex toys! 😉
Glad to have you back reading my scribble!
Who the heck knows, but its Christmas time and I’m barely thinking at this juncture.
I hear that! Now we just need to get through New Years without being smashed by a backpacking fool!
I have never had a backpack. That is what my 25 pound purse is for. I carry my ham in there.
I bet you can also use that thing as a weapon!
I use to wear a back pack and not even a nice one, but one of those Haglöfs ones, which were the sh*t in Sweden 10 years ago among computer science students (can you imagine what a fashion no-no it is today then? FYI it still, hasn’t gone retro). Through the years I’ve been carrying lots of stuff around in it, including a dissection kit and a jar of sour dough:)
What the heck? A dissection kit and jar of sour dough? Are you mad scientist super villian? I better not meet you in a dark alley!
I work for the schools, so I see backpacks all. day. long.
Merry Christmas, sweet Phil. x
I feel so sorry for you. You’re surrounded.
Merry Christmas lady! Hope you didn’t get a backpack as a gift!
So funny! “Who you kidding anyway? You’re going to happy hour after work. That bag has your “walk of shame” clothes.”
What’s in a backpack? I secretly have one too. Yikes!
I only use it when I’m travelling though so I can squash as many books and games in them as I can, as my leather “laptop” bag is for corporate flights only, but that’s just me. I bow my head in shame!
Oh no! You’re one of THEM! Shame! 🙂
I can undertand having it for travel, but wearing it every day is a bit much.
I totally agree. People might think that you’re a tourist LOL!
Ha! Ha! I love my backpack. Right now, at this very moment, I am staring fondly at it! 🙂
I am sure you sleep with it and make sweet love to it too!
I think you need to design a “BACKPACKS BANNED” sign and print it in mass quantities. You can post them all over NYC and public transport on your way home from your nights out on the town. ;0)
That’a a good idea. I want to walk around with a paint gun and blast people wearing them!
I hate backpacks! My husband doesn’t have a backpack, but he carries three other bags since he works with computers and needs 15 different computers (at least it seems he does) to go to work everyday. It looks like he is being overtaken by man bags…..
Maybe he needs a backpack to carry around those 15 computers. Poor guy’s arms and shoulders must be killing him!
Man bags or purses? 😉
When I am doing daytrips or traveling, I carry a backpack. It makes life easier. So when I am in NYC for a day or two, I’ll be carrying one. But I also have etiquette. I do it to carry things I’ll need, be it a jacket, or something to drink, or a camera, or … whatever else. It’s a very helpful thing to have.
That being said, I can see the flip side of it, all pending on how people act with them.
I agree with that. Not all backpackers are bad. It’s just the ocassional idiots that make me go nutty!