Did she just really ask me to watch her spawn from Hell? Now, I am a responsible kind of fellow, and maybe I have that composure of which people seem to trust me for some reason. Yet, here I am baffled as to why someone would entrust a complete stranger with their DNA which plopped out from between their legs in a moment of excruciating agony. Hey, that was your choice lady, not mine. I am childfree by choice, and live a totally fulfilling life, thank you very much. The last thing I want to do is watch your crying, screaming, annoying child while you head to the bathroom to take a dump. Now don’t get me wrong, as I don’t hate childen, no really, but I am just not parent material. People constantly tell me and my gal that I look like I’d make a great dad. Bwahahahahaha! Yeah, this guy who still likes to go out drinking too much, partying too hard, and lives life on a whim. Sorry, I just don’t want to be trapped and looking miserable as I see so many parents here in NYC are. You know the type. They are pushing an oversized baby carriage, or carrying around their kid in a sack on their chest like an albatross around their necks. That forlorn look of despair in their eyes with a silent cry for help as they desperately seek an escape from the eternal situation they got themselves into. As I view these people I can only wonder if they rue the day they discarded their freedom in a moment of breeding frenzy. All it takes is a minute of ejactulatory bliss in exchange for twenty years of a parental jail sentence. Awww heck no. Sorry, it’s just not for me.
I’m not blind, or stupid, as I do know there are many people who absolutely love their kids, and are happy parents. They live for it, and I might add, some are very good at it. We need exceptional parents to raise great kids who will contribute to society. They will be our future leaders, God help us all. Yet, there are times when I want to strangle those parents such as this one today who wanted to leave their child in my care. To begin with it’s a rainy crappy day out here in NYC. Why are you dragging your little kid out in this weather to my local cafe so early in the morning? So you can sit here with your fellow momsters and chat over coffee while your mini-monster is yelling, running around, and terrorizing all those around who want a quiet peaceful moment to drink their coffee and recover from last evening’s hangover? Now you’re here with your kid alone who has now turned into a cranky terror and we are all looking at you with daggers in our eyes and thinking evil things we want to do to you both. It’s 10:30 in the morning! Can’t you stay home and have coffee while your demon breed torments you in the privacy of your own domain? Why do some parents insist on bringing their kids out to these spots when time and time again they know the inevitable breakdown will occur. Isn’t there a Chuck E Cheese you should be at? A Pizza Hut? McDonald’s? Somewhere, anywhere, away from the rest of us that all you tortured souls can congregate to and share stories of your anguish and pain? No one said parenting was easy. I have seen it with my nieces and nephews. I’m the uncle that instigates and riles the kids up, then goes home with a smirk on my face knowing I did my job well. At times I do feel bad for some of these parents, but not all that often. It was their choice! Sorry, not sorry!
Now back to this numnutz who asked me to watch her kid while she went potty. Of course it starts crying. It’s also been caughing and some sort of snot fluid is running down it’s nose. Momster tells it to stop crying and wipes it’s face with a tissue. She assures all of us around them that it’s just allergies and not bubonic plague. Meanwhile, we are all dying inside with fear of catching a cold or the flu from this little human petri dish. Something inside tells me to run as part of a survival instinct that has been ingrained in us since cavemen times. Yet, I don’t know why I agreed to watch it as she went and did her business in the bathroom. Maybe because I have a good heart under all this cold jaded NYC exterior I have developed after all my years here. She looked frazzled and dad was nowhere in sight. She needed a moment of relief. I bit the bullet as it sat across from me.
As I tried to make small talk with it the kid was still crying and blubbering a bit. I looked down at the plate of cookies I have been nibbling on with my coffee. I picked up one and handed it over.
As the little boy took a bite through sniffles he said “thank you mister”. Crisis averted, and as mom came back after a few minutes she picked him up and headed towards the door while looking back with a smile and mouthing “thank you” to me. He waved goodbye. I waved back. I guess not all parents, or kids, are that bad after all. Maybe this regular NYC guy is not all that jaded either.