I was one of the many lamenting the long dreary winter not too long ago. Until after this past weekend on June 1 when the environment decided to smack us all in the face here in NYC with a wall of hot humid muggy air and humidity. Then the skies opened up and drenched us all. Ugh. Talk about total suckage! Now, I know there are many out there that love the hot weather and absolutely hate the winter season as it’s cold and unforgivably seems to last forever here in the Northeast. Personally, I enjoy the cold air and don’t think we have been hit too hard with many bad winters these past bunch of years. Most have been quite mild actually with few real snowfalls of any accumulation to make much of a difference. Yet, there are many that whine and complain all winter long. They relish the feel of 90 degree hot sticky days and all the sweatiness that accompanies it.
Not me! I don’t know about you but to me there is no enjoyment of having SWAMP ASS!
Really, the torture that comes when you feel that river of sweat water running down your lower back and down your ass crack is nothing to look forward too. Especially when you are standing on a hot subway platform waiting for a train. It always seems to take forever on those days too for a train to arrive. At least this week so far the temps have dropped back to the normal range of being in the 70’s and sunny. Had some perfect Spring days out this week. We have received a taste for a few days of what Spring used to be like – enjoyable. We were treated this past weekend of what is to come in the months ahead during the hot Summer season.
Personally, I am dreading it. In fact, I feel a bit of a rant coming on regarding the upcoming Swamp Ass weather. Just to note –
1) Restaurants that refuse to crank up the air conditioning!
Seriously, what is it with these places that refuse to turn up the AC? Don’t give us excuses that the AC units are not ready yet or that it’s expensive to run. That’s not my problem! I don’t want to eat a hot plate of food while sweating my ass off and dripping into my meal!
Which brings me to –
2) Restaurants that open up the whole front of the place to have an “open air” environment when it’s steaming hot outside!
Why do you all torture us so? Sure, there are those that enjoy sitting outside when it’s 90 out to drink and dine, but it kills us when our favorite places do this. There is no fun when melting while trying to enjoy a meal. Not everyone loves the heat and almost passing out while eating!
3) Lukewarm subway cars.
Nothing worse than standing on a hot sweaty subway platform awaiting a train to pull up and anticipating a nice cold car but walking into a sauna. C’mon MTA! It’s frigging June already! Get these cars serviced and blast the AC! Stop planning your next fare increase and actually do something to take care of the riders.
4) Yo people! You ever hear of deodorant?
It’s hot out. It’s humid out. You small like a camel! For the love of all things holy please shower, body spray, deodorize, do whatever it takes to not smell like dirty B.O. when we are trapped near you at work, in an elevator, in the subway, etc. Also, don’t douse yourself in a gallon of cologne or perfume as that is just as bad. I feel like lighting a match and throwing it at you to see if you explode in flames!
5) Macy’s during warm weather sucks. Period.
Why does the largest store in the world, and a total tourist attraction, seem to never have the AC on at a comfortable level when it’s warm outside? Anyone who has ever shopped there and used the fitting rooms can attest to the fact that you can become a sweaty mess in this place. There is never AC on in these areas. Plus, some of the dressing rooms smell like ass. Double bleech!
6) The summer smells of the city streets.
I’m not talking about the food carts, hot dog stands, or roasted peanut vendors. I’m talking about that rotting garbage stench which emanates from the street corners and sewers and wafts up your nose when walking around. What the heck is that smell? Why is it here? Why am I feeling dizzy? Help!
7) Swamp Ass.
It’s a fact of NYC life during the hot humid Summer. No one can escape it. No one can deny it. There is no way to stay indoors 24/7 in the comfort of cold AC. You need to venture out and experience life. Your ass will sweat. Your underwear will be damp. Your clothes will feel uncomfortable and stick to your body. You will smell. You will need to invest in a lot of baby powder, deodorant, and body fresheners. Oh joy!
Is it wrong of me to be looking forward to November already?
Crap – only 199 more days until Christmas! That is another rant…..