First things first. Happy New Year! Here’s to a healthy, happy, safe, and prosperous 2018!
I don’t know where you all live, but it’s freaking cold here in the Northeast. As cold as a polar bear’s anus. Colder than Jack Frost’s taint. So cold that my sphincter packed up and moved to Miami for the winter! All it left behind was a post-it note telling me it decided to live the life of a “snow bird”. Adios amigo!
I won’t even tell you where it adhered the note to. Let’s just say it was a rude awakening when I got up this morning and stumbled half asleep into the bathroom. Inconsiderate bastard didn’t even say goodbye! That’s what I get for all those years of a “soft touch” and Cottonelle. No appreciation whatsoever!
I might be the first person ever “ghosted” by their sphincter. Was I in the “friend zone” all along?
Speaking of this cold weather I had to laugh, no, actually cringe at viewing on TV those
idiots brave souls in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. As the temps barely rose above levels that would even make Snow Miser’s teeth chatter, people made their way into the holding pens like frozen meat patties. It had to be brutally freezing out there as they waited for hours in what was basically sub-zero temperatures.
On top of that there are no bathrooms at all out there. So I guess many enjoyed their evening watching the ball drop wearing diapers and Depends full of frozen crap and urine ice cubes. Talk about “snow balls”! People have asked me if I have done NYE in Times Square and watched the ball drop. Oh hell no! I might be dumb, but I ain’t stupid!
Then we have the Polar Bear Club. This annual event is the ultimate in
foolishness stupidity insanity bravery. Once again, in frostbite inducing weather conditions this group of foolhardy souls hit the beach in their speedos, bikinis, and tighty whities to jump in the ocean for a swim as human Popsicles. Perhaps it’s just me, but I have kind of an aversion to pneumonia. You go Polar Bears. Be your bad selves. I’ll watch the lunacy from my warm dry couch with a hot cup of coffee in hand, and feel just as empowered.
Minus the frostbite, and visit to the doctor for a Z-Pack!