Happy 2018! New Me. New You. Oh, Stop The BS!

First things first. Happy New Year! Here’s to a healthy, happy, safe, and prosperous 2018!

I don’t know where you all live, but it’s freaking cold here in the Northeast. As cold as a polar bear’s anus. Colder than Jack Frost’s taint. So cold that my sphincter packed up and moved to Miami for the winter! All it left behind was a post-it note telling me it decided to live the life of a “snow bird”. Adios amigo!

I won’t even tell you where it adhered the note to. Let’s just say it was a rude awakening when I got up this morning and stumbled half asleep into the bathroom. Inconsiderate bastard didn’t even say goodbye! That’s what I get for all those years of a “soft touch” and Cottonelle. No appreciation whatsoever!

I might be the first person ever “ghosted” by their sphincter. Was I in the “friend zone” all along?

My thoughts exactly! You go Picard!

Speaking of this cold weather I had to laugh, no, actually cringe at viewing on TV those idiots brave souls in Times Square on New Year’s Eve.  As the temps barely rose above levels that would even make Snow Miser’s teeth chatter, people made their way into the holding pens like frozen meat patties. It had to be brutally freezing out there as they waited for hours in what was basically sub-zero temperatures.

On top of that there are no bathrooms at all out there. So I guess many enjoyed their evening watching the ball drop wearing diapers and Depends full of frozen crap and urine ice cubes. Talk about “snow balls”! People have asked me if I have done NYE in Times Square and watched the ball drop. Oh hell no! I might be dumb, but I ain’t stupid!

Then we have the Polar Bear Club. This annual event is the ultimate in foolishness stupidity insanity bravery. Once again, in frostbite inducing weather conditions this group of foolhardy souls hit the beach in their speedos, bikinis, and tighty whities to jump in the ocean for a swim as human Popsicles. Perhaps it’s just me, but I have kind of an aversion to pneumonia. You go Polar Bears. Be your bad selves. I’ll watch the lunacy from my warm dry couch with a hot cup of coffee in hand, and feel just as empowered.

Minus the frostbite, and visit to the doctor for a Z-Pack!

7 thoughts on “Happy 2018! New Me. New You. Oh, Stop The BS!”

  1. I’m with you, Phil. It’s far too cold to stand outside for any length of time for anything. I experienced the start of the new year in the warmth of my home. Happy 2018!

  2. Yeah, I enjoyed seeing the ball drop from my WARM home here in Florida. Actually, we had our annual NYE party going on here that night, so I barely remember seeing the ball drop ha-ha! But hey, screw those freezing temps!

  3. It is amazing the lengths people will go to bring in the New Year. I limit myself to toasting the TV in the corner of the bar and hugging the people around me.

  4. Hi Phil!

    I’d say Susie sent me, but I’ve been lurking away for the past year as The Next Delusion went dark and Poker Pilgrims was in progress. I will say that thanks to Susie I’m dropping a comment and a share!

    Idiots that we are, we went to Montreal for New Year’s. So I now have a whole new understanding of the word cold.

    Hope you are well!

    Heather (Cassandra)

  5. Hi!
    Susie sent me!
    This was really funny. I was born in New York but now live in California. Your post made me glad my parents moved me here when I was a little girl. I never thought about where the people go to the bathroom. The people do look cold except for the entertainers since they were mink coats.
    Maybe you can check out my blog. I write blogging tips so bloggers can be successful. I also have blog parties like Susie. I am at mostlyblogging.com

Feel free to comment! We all have opinions!