Go screw your 2014 New Year’s Resolutions!

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Every year it seems we are all pressured to come up with New Year’s resolutions as if trying to enrich our lives and send us on a path of health and inner happiness. We are trapped into a way of thinking that if we make a list of idiotic things to acccomplish that our lives, and those around us, will be all for the better. I call BS on that! Not one year in my life have I actually accomplished any resolution I made on New Year’s day. Do you all realize how hard it really is? Then, we all get that abject feeling of failure that inevitably accompanies each resolution downfall. Well, I for one say “NO MORE”! It’s time to do away with this stupid tradition and come up with a better plan. Therefore, I propose to you that we set up a list of “Anti-Resolutions” for the New Year! Things that we can honestly have a chance of succeeding at. Think of it as the “Festivus” of New Year’s!

Here is my list of Anti-Resolutions that I know I will accomplish –

1. Eat more bacon. There is no way in Hell that I will blow this one. How can I not succeed? It’s the meat candy of the world and I would bathe in it if I could.

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2. Do not win Mega Millions or Powerball. Well, this one should be a slam dunk. Normally, I can’t even get two numbers. I can’t even get the Powerball number by itself. Why do I bother? A dollar and a dream my ass!

3. Drink more booze. Hahahaha! This has to be the easiest one on my list. With all the bars here in NYC, and most of my friends also on the lush wagon I don’t think I’ll have a problem. Why would I stop drinking? Unless my liver abandons me in the middle of the night.

4. Consume more food. Now why the heck would I propose to diet and eat better as a resolution when that is always a failure? I’d rather enjoy life and be a gluttonous pig! It’s so easy here in NYC as everything delivers! Also – see anti resolution #1. Maybe also #2.

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5. Don’t learn another language. Even though I live in the melting pot of the world, and I did take Spanish when in school, I have no clue how to speak in another tongue. I can barely speak English and you want me to converse in another language? No habla anything.

6. Watch more junk tv. This is an easy one. I have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to the boob tube. My lame viewing habits consists of shows like WWE Wrestling, Pawn Stars, Storage Wars, Bar Rescue, Person of Interest, Walking Dead, Big Bang Theory, and Hawaii Five-O. With dozens more of these shows coming out I’ll never watch real quality stuff and I really don’t care. I constantly flip around anyway and one day my gal is going to shove the remote up my ass!

7. Never clean out our apartment. We live in Manhattan. The rents are high and our place is your basic cramped NYC quarters. It looks like an episode of hoarders in here. Maybe one day someone will find our bodies buried under all our stuff.

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8. Don’t cook that much. Our kitchen is the size of a small closet. Everything in NYC delivers. It’s a pain in the ass to cook. Delivery means less cleanup. Even McDonald’s delivers here. I have a Seamless account. Do the math. Delivery wins.

9. Spend more money on bills. I live in one of the more expensive places to live. I like to go out a lot. I have a Seamless account. I like to drink. If I die before I pay my bills off does that mean I win?

10. Don’t move to New Jersey, Long Island, or the suburbs. Pretty self explanatory. Should be an easy one to accomplish. Unless I want to commit suicide by slow death and boredom.

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So, what are your resolutions that you know you really won’t stick with or adhere to? Have you blown any already only a few days into 2014?

59 thoughts on “Go screw your 2014 New Year’s Resolutions!”

  1. Bow to you Phil… That was extraordinary.

    I am with you, never go with the New Yearยดs resolutions as to tell you the truth my life is almost the same every year, no matter which are my plans!!!

    Cheers & hope you make this list work;

    Aquileana ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. After all the cooking I’ve done between the summer up until New Years… I’m feeling a bit like getting out of the kitchen and not cooking awhile, or even eating… I actually need a resolution to take a break, will added alcohol consumption help with that?

    1. Hey Peggy!

      Alcohol can always help a bit, but then it might make you hungry, and then you’ll start cooking again.

      Better just order a pizza.

  3. Resolutions:

    1. Do NOT move the exercise ball from the closet to the living room where it will haunt and taunt me.
    2. Continue with my WTH (!) have ten blog posts partially drafted and none regularly posted ways.
    3. Drink the post-workout “perfect balance of proteins, carbs et al beverage” (chocolate milk) BEFORE exercising — by an hour, a day, a week, a month…
    4. Embrace Phil’s rationale on television — watching Food Network, Big Bang Theory, and reruns of old comedies.
    5. Continue to play the two CDs of Country Strong while in my car even though I can sing the opening lines for the next song before the current one finishes.
    6. Mirror Phil’s wife’s Most Likely Numero Uno on her New Year’s Resolutions List and cram the remote control where the sun doth not shine.

    We just got a contract on the sale of our house! [Pause for happy dance.], which leads to…

    7. Continue to marvel at my supply of nifty storage containers for items that will have to be stowed in closets in our downsized home, and…
    8. Spend my days bargain hunting for MORE nifty storage containers instead of filling the ones I already have.
    9. Take More Cowbell to Billy Bob’s to get a picture of myself on The Bull with Jenny Hansen’s More Cowbell tied at the business-end of the bull’s belly. Gotta get more clang for my pictorial buck!
    10. Continue to write novellas masquerading as comments on others blogs.

    1. Hey Gloria!

      Your list make a lot of sense! Especially #1 and #4. I’m still gonna hog the remote. If #9 happens pictures are a must!

      As for #2 I agree with WTH as you have not posted since end of Oct. Stop hoarding storage containers and post a feature!

  4. LOL! Nice! My only resolution is to incessantly write innane posts that annoy and yet prevent readers from looking away. Like a train wreck.

  5. I have it on good authority that ObamaCare does NOT cover TV Remote Removal From One’s Ass. Even if it did, the TV Remote Up the Ass Panel would probably deny the procedure. Or you’d have to wait and, as they say, “this too shall pass”.

    I’m just sayin’.

    One more thing…if you shove the TV Remote up your ass, gimme a shout. I want the exclusive for “Dumbass News”. I can make you famous in 172 countries. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Happy Year New & screw the resolutions all to hell.

    1. Hey Fearless!

      If I did that I might be eligable for your Dumbass of the Rear, um, Year Awards!

      Yeah, screw resolutions. I never stick to them.

  6. Phil, I think you’re onto something here. Even though I live in the outlands of burbia, my brain is still intact to a degree. Lately, in the single digits.

    1. Hey Lauren!

      Single digits here too tonight in the city. My brain was scrambled long ago anyway. I do like the burbs when I visit family and get a home cooked meal though. Just couldn’t do it every day!

  7. You are a man with a plan.

    I have to get my blood pressure down and I need to drop 15 pounds. I’ve started by refusing to use salt. Things I used to like to eat taste like shit now so, I eat less. It’s a vicious cyclone.

    Good luck with your plan! Your’s sounds like more fun than mine.

    1. Hey Tim!

      Hey, you gotta have a plan. Good luck on your quest to lose weight and get that blood pressure down. I love salt too and that’s a tough one.

  8. My kind of anti-resolutions! Why clean your apartment when it’s going to get dirty again anyway? And that whole cooking thing? Not good because then we don’t get to read about all the fabulous places you get to eat at.

    Happy New Year!

    1. Hey Suzanne!

      Glad you approve! I’ll be sure to hit up more good places to eat or get delivered. My credit card is taking a beating living here!

      Happy New Year!

  9. These are my kind of resolutions. I started making a big list of resolutions, but stopped when I realised it was the exact same list as last year, and decided to make two. Admittedly one is learning a foreign language, but in my defence, it’s the language of where I live so technically I’m speaking a foreign language all the time already!

    1. Hey Claire!

      Thanks so much for dropping by my blog and commenting! It’s much appreciated.

      I think many make the same ones over and over. It’s a vicious cycle! Happy New Year! Heck, I live in NYC and barely can speak English.

  10. Those are some of the most awesome resolutions I’ve heard. I wish you luck with them.

    And, I’d have to agree with BS on the resolutions. I stopped doing that years ago. The only resolution I’ve actually kept is the one to never make New Year’s resolutions.

    I’m going to steal your eating more bacon resolution, as I too love me some pig.

    Happy new year, Phil!

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    1. Hey Patricia!

      I am so glad you like these! You can steal my bacon resolution but I’m not sharing my bacon!

      Thanks so much for dropping by my blog and commenting! I appreciate it!

  11. Absolutely. Eat more bacon: Why would you not? Yummy!
    Do not win themega millions: Don’t worry. Dead easy this, as I have never bought a lotto ticket in my life!
    Drink more booze: I live in Europe. Everybody drinks, including the children. In Eastern Europe it’s cheaper to drink beer than to drink water so what are you waiting for?
    I’m with ya all the way…. as long as you get out there and do some stuff!

    1. Hey Victoria!

      I think I must move to Europe for the beer and bacon! That counts as doing stuff in my book! Hey, maybe a new resolution here?

  12. You have the perfect list. Absolutely #1 because who doesn’t like bacon? Here are some of mine.
    1) Not to shovel dog poo. Not my dogs, I’ll leave that for hubby. Which leads to #2.
    2) make New Years resolutions for everyone else in the house except myself and make them stick to it, cause it will get bad in here quick if I throw up my hands.
    3) laugh at my husband as he tries to use the Roku. We got rid of cable it it does not satisfy ADHD remote disorder.

    1. Hey Lanthie!

      Thanks! That is the best resolution to make if you’re gonna have one.

      Well, having more sex too. Goes hand in hand I guess with being happy!

  13. Haha, the “cook more” was definitely on my list…until I ordered Dominos via Seamless last night. Opps:-)

    Happy 2014!

    1. Hey Jess!

      Seamless is my best friend! Along with Pattys Taco Truck parked right outside the 86th and Lex subway stop each night. Awesome chicken burritos. Who needs to cook?

      Happy New Year!

  14. Ha– I wrote a very similar sort of take on resolutions, opting for 5 things I KNOW I won’t accomplish. How refreshing– and I’m totally with you on that first one. I just bought bacon for the first time in years… I’ve been living my life all wrong.

    1. Hey Aussa!

      Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting! I need to check out your post!

      Now that you have experienced the wonder of bacon your world is in order.

    1. Hey Jennifer!

      Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting!

      Nothing like good crispy bacon on a BLT! Heck with that – I’ll eat it right out of the hot greasy pan!

Feel free to comment! We all have opinions!