Every year it seems we are all pressured to come up with New Year’s resolutions as if trying to enrich our lives and send us on a path of health and inner happiness. We are trapped into a way of thinking that if we make a list of idiotic things to acccomplish that our lives, and those around us, will be all for the better. I call BS on that! Not one year in my life have I actually accomplished any resolution I made on New Year’s day. Do you all realize how hard it really is? Then, we all get that abject feeling of failure that inevitably accompanies each resolution downfall. Well, I for one say “NO MORE”! It’s time to do away with this stupid tradition and come up with a better plan. Therefore, I propose to you that we set up a list of “Anti-Resolutions” for the New Year! Things that we can honestly have a chance of succeeding at. Think of it as the “Festivus” of New Year’s!
Here is my list of Anti-Resolutions that I know I will accomplish –
1. Eat more bacon. There is no way in Hell that I will blow this one. How can I not succeed? It’s the meat candy of the world and I would bathe in it if I could.
2. Do not win Mega Millions or Powerball. Well, this one should be a slam dunk. Normally, I can’t even get two numbers. I can’t even get the Powerball number by itself. Why do I bother? A dollar and a dream my ass!
3. Drink more booze. Hahahaha! This has to be the easiest one on my list. With all the bars here in NYC, and most of my friends also on the lush wagon I don’t think I’ll have a problem. Why would I stop drinking? Unless my liver abandons me in the middle of the night.
4. Consume more food. Now why the heck would I propose to diet and eat better as a resolution when that is always a failure? I’d rather enjoy life and be a gluttonous pig! It’s so easy here in NYC as everything delivers! Also – see anti resolution #1. Maybe also #2.
5. Don’t learn another language. Even though I live in the melting pot of the world, and I did take Spanish when in school, I have no clue how to speak in another tongue. I can barely speak English and you want me to converse in another language? No habla anything.
6. Watch more junk tv. This is an easy one. I have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to the boob tube. My lame viewing habits consists of shows like WWE Wrestling, Pawn Stars, Storage Wars, Bar Rescue, Person of Interest, Walking Dead, Big Bang Theory, and Hawaii Five-O. With dozens more of these shows coming out I’ll never watch real quality stuff and I really don’t care. I constantly flip around anyway and one day my gal is going to shove the remote up my ass!
7. Never clean out our apartment. We live in Manhattan. The rents are high and our place is your basic cramped NYC quarters. It looks like an episode of hoarders in here. Maybe one day someone will find our bodies buried under all our stuff.
8. Don’t cook that much. Our kitchen is the size of a small closet. Everything in NYC delivers. It’s a pain in the ass to cook. Delivery means less cleanup. Even McDonald’s delivers here. I have a Seamless account. Do the math. Delivery wins.
9. Spend more money on bills. I live in one of the more expensive places to live. I like to go out a lot. I have a Seamless account. I like to drink. If I die before I pay my bills off does that mean I win?
10. Don’t move to New Jersey, Long Island, or the suburbs. Pretty self explanatory. Should be an easy one to accomplish. Unless I want to commit suicide by slow death and boredom.
So, what are your resolutions that you know you really won’t stick with or adhere to? Have you blown any already only a few days into 2014?