Go screw your 2014 New Year’s Resolutions!

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Every year it seems we are all pressured to come up with New Year’s resolutions as if trying to enrich our lives and send us on a path of health and inner happiness. We are trapped into a way of thinking that if we make a list of idiotic things to acccomplish that our lives, and those around us, will be all for the better. I call BS on that! Not one year in my life have I actually accomplished any resolution I made on New Year’s day. Do you all realize how hard it really is? Then, we all get that abject feeling of failure that inevitably accompanies each resolution downfall. Well, I for one say “NO MORE”! It’s time to do away with this stupid tradition and come up with a better plan. Therefore, I propose to you that we set up a list of “Anti-Resolutions” for the New Year! Things that we can honestly have a chance of succeeding at. Think of it as the “Festivus” of New Year’s!

Here is my list of Anti-Resolutions that I know I will accomplish –

1. Eat more bacon. There is no way in Hell that I will blow this one. How can I not succeed? It’s the meat candy of the world and I would bathe in it if I could.

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2. Do not win Mega Millions or Powerball. Well, this one should be a slam dunk. Normally, I can’t even get two numbers. I can’t even get the Powerball number by itself. Why do I bother? A dollar and a dream my ass!

3. Drink more booze. Hahahaha! This has to be the easiest one on my list. With all the bars here in NYC, and most of my friends also on the lush wagon I don’t think I’ll have a problem. Why would I stop drinking? Unless my liver abandons me in the middle of the night.

4. Consume more food. Now why the heck would I propose to diet and eat better as a resolution when that is always a failure? I’d rather enjoy life and be a gluttonous pig! It’s so easy here in NYC as everything delivers! Also – see anti resolution #1. Maybe also #2.

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5. Don’t learn another language. Even though I live in the melting pot of the world, and I did take Spanish when in school, I have no clue how to speak in another tongue. I can barely speak English and you want me to converse in another language? No habla anything.

6. Watch more junk tv. This is an easy one. I have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to the boob tube. My lame viewing habits consists of shows like WWE Wrestling, Pawn Stars, Storage Wars, Bar Rescue, Person of Interest, Walking Dead, Big Bang Theory, and Hawaii Five-O. With dozens more of these shows coming out I’ll never watch real quality stuff and I really don’t care. I constantly flip around anyway and one day my gal is going to shove the remote up my ass!

7. Never clean out our apartment. We live in Manhattan. The rents are high and our place is your basic cramped NYC quarters. It looks like an episode of hoarders in here. Maybe one day someone will find our bodies buried under all our stuff.

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8. Don’t cook that much. Our kitchen is the size of a small closet. Everything in NYC delivers. It’s a pain in the ass to cook. Delivery means less cleanup. Even McDonald’s delivers here. I have a Seamless account. Do the math. Delivery wins.

9. Spend more money on bills. I live in one of the more expensive places to live. I like to go out a lot. I have a Seamless account. I like to drink. If I die before I pay my bills off does that mean I win?

10. Don’t move to New Jersey, Long Island, or the suburbs. Pretty self explanatory. Should be an easy one to accomplish. Unless I want to commit suicide by slow death and boredom.

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So, what are your resolutions that you know you really won’t stick with or adhere to? Have you blown any already only a few days into 2014?

59 thoughts on “Go screw your 2014 New Year’s Resolutions!”

  1. Resolutions:

    1. Do NOT move the exercise ball from the closet to the living room where it will haunt and taunt me.
    2. Continue with my WTH (!) have ten blog posts partially drafted and none regularly posted ways.
    3. Drink the post-workout “perfect balance of proteins, carbs et al beverage” (chocolate milk) BEFORE exercising — by an hour, a day, a week, a month…
    4. Embrace Phil’s rationale on television — watching Food Network, Big Bang Theory, and reruns of old comedies.
    5. Continue to play the two CDs of Country Strong while in my car even though I can sing the opening lines for the next song before the current one finishes.
    6. Mirror Phil’s wife’s Most Likely Numero Uno on her New Year’s Resolutions List and cram the remote control where the sun doth not shine.

    We just got a contract on the sale of our house! [Pause for happy dance.], which leads to…

    7. Continue to marvel at my supply of nifty storage containers for items that will have to be stowed in closets in our downsized home, and…
    8. Spend my days bargain hunting for MORE nifty storage containers instead of filling the ones I already have.
    9. Take More Cowbell to Billy Bob’s to get a picture of myself on The Bull with Jenny Hansen’s More Cowbell tied at the business-end of the bull’s belly. Gotta get more clang for my pictorial buck!
    10. Continue to write novellas masquerading as comments on others blogs.
    Gloria Richard recently posted…SPRITZERS FOR TWO IN THE LOOโ€ฆMore Cowbell UnPoopular CureMy Profile

  2. LOL! Nice! My only resolution is to incessantly write innane posts that annoy and yet prevent readers from looking away. Like a train wreck.

  3. I have it on good authority that ObamaCare does NOT cover TV Remote Removal From One’s Ass. Even if it did, the TV Remote Up the Ass Panel would probably deny the procedure. Or you’d have to wait and, as they say, “this too shall pass”.

    I’m just sayin’.

    One more thing…if you shove the TV Remote up your ass, gimme a shout. I want the exclusive for “Dumbass News”. I can make you famous in 172 countries. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Happy Year New & screw the resolutions all to hell.
    Fearless Leader recently posted…Dumbass Man Cave Decor Ideas!My Profile

  4. You are a man with a plan.

    I have to get my blood pressure down and I need to drop 15 pounds. I’ve started by refusing to use salt. Things I used to like to eat taste like shit now so, I eat less. It’s a vicious cyclone.

    Good luck with your plan! Your’s sounds like more fun than mine.
    Agent 54 recently posted…New Yearโ€™s Party at the NSAMy Profile

  5. My kind of anti-resolutions! Why clean your apartment when it’s going to get dirty again anyway? And that whole cooking thing? Not good because then we don’t get to read about all the fabulous places you get to eat at.

    Happy New Year!
    Suzanne recently posted…Feline Friday – TwinsMy Profile

  6. These are my kind of resolutions. I started making a big list of resolutions, but stopped when I realised it was the exact same list as last year, and decided to make two. Admittedly one is learning a foreign language, but in my defence, it’s the language of where I live so technically I’m speaking a foreign language all the time already!

  7. Those are some of the most awesome resolutions I’ve heard. I wish you luck with them.

    And, I’d have to agree with BS on the resolutions. I stopped doing that years ago. The only resolution I’ve actually kept is the one to never make New Year’s resolutions.

    I’m going to steal your eating more bacon resolution, as I too love me some pig.

    Happy new year, Phil!

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

  8. Absolutely. Eat more bacon: Why would you not? Yummy!
    Do not win themega millions: Don’t worry. Dead easy this, as I have never bought a lotto ticket in my life!
    Drink more booze: I live in Europe. Everybody drinks, including the children. In Eastern Europe it’s cheaper to drink beer than to drink water so what are you waiting for?
    I’m with ya all the way…. as long as you get out there and do some stuff!
    Victoria recently posted…Hey! Itโ€™s a New Year: time to get out there and do stuff!My Profile

  9. You have the perfect list. Absolutely #1 because who doesn’t like bacon? Here are some of mine.
    1) Not to shovel dog poo. Not my dogs, I’ll leave that for hubby. Which leads to #2.
    2) make New Years resolutions for everyone else in the house except myself and make them stick to it, cause it will get bad in here quick if I throw up my hands.
    3) laugh at my husband as he tries to use the Roku. We got rid of cable it it does not satisfy ADHD remote disorder.
    Cindy Amrhein recently posted…Bread and Butter 02My Profile

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