I travel a lot for business and over the years I have seen many cities, explored new places in this great country known as AMURRICA, and also have partaken in delicious food and drink from all around. There is one thing that is always a constant though – the idiotic things we all have to put up with when traveling. Mostly when it comes to air travel. It’s a necessary evil as it is the quickest way to get from point A to point B. Honestly, I actually like flying, I really do, but at the same time I really despise it. I feel many of us are all in the same boat. We fly because it beats the heck out of driving or taking a bus or train across the country. When I see some of these fellow travelers out there that make my day turn into a heaping pile of angst and disgust I kind of want to beat them senseless. Or, at least give them a firm smack upside the back of the head!
Some of my observations and things that make me go MAD MAD MAD when traveling out of the NYC area –
Where is my damn car pickup? I got up in the wee hours of the morning so I can make this 7am flight and this is no car here yet even though I confirmed the pickup. If you make me miss my flight I will possibly kill you!
Do you know how to get there? Really? The driver doesn’t know how to get to one of the three major airports in NYC? Dude, you better figure it out quick before I start raging.
Please turn off the damn Bollywood music! It’s 6am. At this moment in time I am really cranky and want it quiet so I can sleep a bit during the drive. Don’t torture me with this.
Why is there so much traffic this early in the morning? It’s even before rush hour and we are crawling on the expressway. WTF???
Why are there so many people here on a Tuesday? It’s freaking 6 in the morning. Why is the airport packed with long lines everywhere? Panic about missing my flight kicks in. Kill me now.
Hey Mr. TSA agent can you speed it up? I know you are just doing your job but I have a flight to catch. You don’t need to have a full conversation with each passenger and you don’t have to take 20 minutes determining if the 9 year old kid or 90 year old lady is a flight threat.
Why am I always the one to get chosen for a sporadic security search? It always seems to happen when I am in a rush and only have a few minutes to make my flight. Ugh.
The gate area is a zoo! Full of grumpy people, screaming crying kids, and passengers arguing with the gate agents. So glad I have airline club access to escape this madness.
Idiots who jam the overhead bins with luggage that won’t fit! Hey, luggage fees suck, we all know that, but now you are holding up the flight trying to jam your monster sized suitcase in the overhead bin. Plus, I’m tired of you banging into me. Suck it up and check the damn bag!
Nothing like picking the one seat that is broken! Can’t recline and the seat cushion shifts to one side. I feel like I am sitting on a bag of potatoes. Yay! What fun for the next four hours!
Why do I always get stuck in a row on the plane with two of the biggest people on the flight? Good thing I usually get an aisle seat as the blob sitting next to me has oozed over onto half my seat and I can lean over a bit. If ever stuck in a middle seat in between two behemoths be prepared to kill yourself – especially if its a long flight.
Damn flight is now delayed/stuck on the tarmac. I got up a 4am to make this flight. Now it won’t take off for another two hours. I should have stayed in bed.
Great – my tv doesn’t work. It’s happened to me a few times. I love that certain airlines offer free tv now, but hate when the one screen on the plane that doesn’t work is mine.
Can you give me more than one bag of peanuts? Sheesh! Why so stingy? Each bag has ten small peanuts in them, so give me around 10 bags! I’m starving!
The recline-o-matic flyer. We’ve all had that one annoying passenger in front of you that will recline the seat the whole way just as you are eating or opened your computer to do some work. The guys head ends up against your chest. I want to bash it in. Especially if they refuse to move the seat up.
The douchnozzle boyfriend. The dude who is twice your size but insists on sitting in the middle seat so his petite little girlfriend can have the window seat. Thanks for making us squished in next to each other this whole uncomfortable flight. Douche.
Stop talking to me. I just want to read, get some work done, or sleep. I don’t know you and don’t want to talk about your kids, the game, your ailments, etc. Bad enough you smell and I have to sit next to you this whole flight.
Please quiet down your kids! The one thing all fliers hate are when we are trapped on a flight with crying babies and screaming loud kids. You do realize that right now everyone on the plane hates you and your kids right? Be a responsible parent and do something about it!
Why does the bathroom reek so bad? I can smell that stench all the way up where I am sitting. Clean that thing!
If you keep getting up I will strangle you. Enough! You have gotten up six times already to go to the bathroom or stretch your legs. I don’t want to get up again to let you get by. I am about to duct tape you to your seat!
Thanks for getting us sick asshole! You are sick with a cold coughing and sneezing and you get on my airplane? If I could I would throw you out while in flight. Without a parachute.
Hot damn, there are so many things that I can’t stand about flying and travel, even as much as I do enjoy it. I guess we all must learn to live with the pros and cons of it all. I surely have missed a few that belong on this list. There is so much that annoys me!
How about you? What annoys the heck out of you when flying? What can be added to this rant list?
Oh, Phil…you crack me up. Many times I’m cool with my seat mates. In fact, I’ve had some awesome conversations on planes (including that time I got hit on by a college football team in my younger years)…but not always.
My big pet peeves include people who don’t brush their teeth, chew gum or eat mints before getting into a confined space, then spewing their halitosis breath all over me.
I, too, hate the seat recliner type…or the guy who has to chicken wing stretch his arms right into my face or rib cage depending on his height.
I actually understand the crying babies at take off and landing…they can’t get their ears to pop the way we can, but the parent that does nothing to reprimand the loud, obnoxious child who is probably kicking the back of my seat may get a death glare followed by, “either control your child or I will do it for you” look…
Hello Kitt!
As always, I am happy I made you laugh!
You got picked up by a college football team? How scandalous!
Yuck – bad breath is horrible. The chicken wing one I missed – good call. Oh, the kids kicking my seat I want to strangle. Guess I don’t have your death glare! 🙂
Well, the football team tried, but I’m more intrigued by ménages, not orgies. Just joking….well, about the ménages v. Orgies. I really did wind up on a plane with a football team…and got hit on. I just never called the player who gave me his number back. 😉
Awwwww, man! I was hoping to hear a really hot sordid tale! 😉
I save all the hot, sordid tales for my works of fiction… 😉
Your husband is a lucky guy! 😉
my pet peeves have to be a) seat recliner person. If you want to lie down pay for first class and 2) air conditioning/heating is not turned on till we were air borne. Either let us open the windows or turn on the air conditioning. Enclosed spaces smell. It’s the basic human condition.
Hello Rachna!
Thanks for dropping by my blog and reading!
Good idea about the people who want to lie down. I also strongly agree about the AC/heat. I hate sitting on the tarmac sweating bullets!
You nailed it! I hate sitting behind someone who reclines his seat for the whole flight. That just happened me to. I was also pissed that he closed his shade. I like to look out the window without spraining my neck.
I think my biggest pet peeve is when people travel while sick with the plague.
Also, really slow TSA workers.
Hey Lauren!
Thanks! I hate when that happens. Sometimes they will raise the seat if you ask nicely. Sometimes they just ignore you. Yes, the sick people on flights annoy me to the max!
I don’t want to deal with my own kids on a plane much less torture anyone else so we drive 🙂 Really though with two boys taking them on a flight would be my version of hell, so I avoid it at all costs!
Hello Frugal!
I give you credit for driving but if you are on a long trip with the kids isn’t that kind of hell too? 🙂
Peeing myself! I am usually on the ‘screaming baby’ flight. And, I don’t fly much any longer. I hated it before 9-11 and the TSA, and now, there’s just not enough Jack Daniels to get me on a plane!
UP
Hello UP!
Glad I made you pee!
I need to fly for biz so I have to suffer the TSA and screaming babies. It’s torture that is a necessary evil!
This is so funny. I fly a lot as well. I could not help but laugh especially about the people who is talking to you. I really hate that. Or the person who wants to touch my child. Is there something about me that make you think that I want your germy, fat hands on my child’s face. I would think the annoyed look from carrying too much crap through the airport to keep her entertained would deter you from touching my child or thinking that I am a friendly person when it comes to flying. And the best ones are the southern folks who are still living in the stone ages who ask me questions about the race of my child’s other parent. I am one of those people who likes to get on the plane, put a headset on my child, get my cheap mini bottle of wine and mind my own business. I don’t care where you are going or why you are going there, how many grandchildren you have or ex wives because I don’t plan on being this cross to you ever again in my life. And my absolute favorite passenger on the plane is the old guy who has not gotten laid since Moses was a young boy and he spends that whole flight staring at my chest like it has a “get your free milk here” sign on it. Great post!
Hey Cynthia!
Happy you liked my new post!
LOL! It sounds like you have more rants than I when it comes to flying! Kid touching, racists, annoying talkers, and even lustful old men!
Maybe you should have written this post! 🙂
Hi Phil,
I don’t think that I could have done this justice. You have an incredible way with words and the truth that only you can do. Which is why I am always happy to get an email that you have something new!
Cynthia
Hey Cynthia!
Awww shucks! Thanks for the kind words, and I appreciate you like what I write! 🙂
I’ll try and come up with more craziness as the year goes on!
LOL, that was real funny and factual too.. The peanuts and pretzels get on my nerves too!!
Hi Nina!
Glad I make you laugh! Even though it is true!
All very good reasons to be irritated with flying!
I have only flown a few times and it always freaks me out, don’t know why, I guess I’m afraid we’re going to fall out of the sky. And, every single time I get motion sickness no matter how many Dramamine I take before hand.
Hi Emily!
Thanks for the comment, and glad you agree with me!
Maybe you should down a bottle of Jamesons beforew you get on the plane! 🙂
My hubby has actually joked that I either need to be drunk or completely knocked out to fly… he might be right!
Hey, whatever helps you get through the flight! As long as he doesn’t actually be the one to knock you out!
“Please turn off the damn Bollywood music” Ha! I’m still laughing from the that, because it is so true. When traveling in the wee hours of the morning, you look forward to the cab ride as being a relaxed moment, or calm before the storm. Thanks for this. I can relate to every rant, from the overzealous body searches, to the “I don’t care who you are, where you’re going, or where you’ve been” folks that have to talk to you. But my all time peeve is the kid kicking the seat and the bratty baby crying. I’m not sure why the parents think this is cute, because it’s NOT.
Hey Carica!
Exactly! I want to hear nothing but silence that early in the morning when heading to the airport.
Good to know I have hit some hot buttons with everyone here, as we all have the same pet peeves!
Thanks for reading and commenting!
You Nailed it!!! I also fly with my company quite often so driving to the airport every Monday to me is like others driving to the office. A few things i hate to add to your list and this is gross but the silent farters! It pisses me off and i’ve been stuck next to a guy that had a blanket tucked tight around him. He was releasing the deadly ones and then when he got up and took the blanket off, a green fog seriously escaped and i gagged. The people talking loud on their phones while walking to their seats aggravate me. I dont care to hear about your horses that need fed every morning and how you changed your shirt twice before you decided on what you’re wearing, etc.
I sit down, grab my ipod and my book and turn towards the window with body language that says DONT TALK TO ME! Oh what a joy.
Hi Holli!
Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting! Much appreciated.
OMG yes! The silent but deadly farters! That is a good one and had me laughing. I do the same as you when I get on board – ipod and a magazine, or a computer to blog with. Don’t even think of talking to me!
Ah, memories. As I am about to board a plane (Southwest, no less) on Saturday, this post has given me all kinds of anxiety. Sounds like you’ve had some interesting plane rides.
Is a broken tv or seat grounds for changing seats? Man, that sucks. I agree with you on the people talking the entire flight, I always feel awkward trying to end the conversation, resulting in talking to them the entire flight when all I want to do is read. I hope you’re a better conversation-ender than me.
I also hate when the stewardesses get TOO comfortable on nighttime flights and basically start yelling at everyone to go to sleep. I had this happen on a flight to Vegas. It was odd–I’m not a kid, stop telling me it’s my nap time.
Great post! You nailed the perils of air travel.
Hello Jean!
So glad you liked my post! I appreciate the comment and the love!
I put on my ipod as soon as I sit down so no one talks to me. I usually fall asleep anyway. Broken TV will get you a credit usually, but if the flight is full you are stuck with the crappy seat.
Ha! I would have kept buzzing the stewardesses to keep bringing me water and peanuts to aggravate them!
“Honestly, I actually like flying, I really do, but at the same time I really despise it. ”
This is me so much.
Hey Kristy!
It’s a necessary evil, especially to get to the west coast. Still, one day I think I will end up with air-rage.
LOL! I feel ya! I hate to fly for these exact reasons plus some. Great post!
Hello GK!
Thanks for dropping by my blog! I appreciate the comment. As convenient as it is to fly to get to far destinations it really is a pain in the ass!
Glad you liked my post!
Yes!! Spot on. And tell me, how is it that there are so many taxi guys in NYC who need directions? Don’t they have GPS? Worst airport experience was sitting next to a guy who insisted on picking his nose! I could literally see the boogers fall onto his shirt. I was so revolted and mad. I asked him if he wanted a tissue and he said, “I’m good.” Like hell he was. It was awful.
Hey Holly!
Hahahaha! That is a new one – and nasty! You should have asked him to pick a good one for ya! 🙂
I’ve got to say Phil I’ve experienced all these and a lot more. Those early morning flights are awful and the tiredness make me a very grumpy and unsociable passenger.
Good airlines with respectable staff do help a lot though. Sadly having travelled the world over many times I have very little love for US based air companies. They squeeze you for every penny and the service leaves a lot to be desired.
Hi Guy!
I know you travel a lot so you must deal with all kinds of annoying stuff at airports.
I agree with you on the US carriers. I do love Jet Blue though and they have always been 5 star to me!
Thanks for reading!
This is an extremely funny post! What annoys me the most about flying is the dog food they serve us for snacks. Last time I flew I was so hungry and thirsty, and all they served us was some square like hard cookies, they were hard as rock. And they didn’t have time to give me any water to drink. That really disgusts me as we pay so much money for our flight, then they serve us cheap snacks that they either found in the dollar store or in their closet somewhere. We should get what we pay for. Why can’t they serve us some tasty snacks instead of peanuts every single time? It’s always the same old boring cheap snack that I won’t even eat. Usually I sneak my own snacks into my purse and eat that on the plane instead of theirs cheap tasteless junk that I don’t want.
Hi Susana!
Thanks for the compliment! Glad I made you laugh. 🙂
I agree as the food on the planes stink, and most are stingy with the snacks. JetBlue is the exception as they have terrific snacks. They will give you more if you ask too.
Honestly, I always bring my own food, snacks, and sandwiches with me when flying. It’s better that way than those small mini bags of peanuts!
The worst part I dread when going to the airport on Christmas is not being able to find a parking spot when I have to hurry and catch my flight. Last year, I left two hours early, but spent over an hour driving round and round the airport parking lot as it was completely full. Finally some shuttle bus driver directed me to another parking lot elsewhere and I found a spot there after an hour of driving around in circles. That was completely annoying. Don’t understand why everyone had to jam the parking lot when I needed a spot and I nearly missed a flight.
Hi Susana,
As I don’t have a car here in NYC I never have to deal with that craziness. That would drive me to road rage!
Yep, I know, I bet it would, lol.
Love the Rants! I spent 9 months living in India and the Bollywood comment brought back some memories. I lived in an apartment building and there was Bollywood movies and music playing at all hours. I got so sick of it. But after a few months, I think I became immune to it and didn’t notice it. That along with copious amounts of alcohol (which is not always easy to find in India) and ear plugs
Hi Matt!
Glad you like my ranting! Yeah, that would drive me nuts too. Booze helps!
Hey Kitt!
Thanks so much for including me in your blog post! Glad my oost gave you some laughs! We all hate the hassle of flying and I figured I’d jot down a few things that drive us nuts!
This is so awesome. Thanks Kitt!
Hello! Thanks for writing such a fun and informative article on the travel hiccups we all deal with.
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Hello,
Thanks for the comment. Glad you liked my article.
OMG, I’m DYING!!!!
So, funny story for you. My dad was once on a 13+ hour flight and the guy sitting next to him was too big for his seat. He was a good sport about it during take-off, and then he disappeared for most of the flight. When he came back to sit down as the plane was descending, my dad asked if he was okay. He said he knows he’s too big for the seats, so he spends most of the flight sitting in the bathroom. I’m not kidding. I have to give the guy credit for being considerate, but I would much rather inconvenience the people next to me than spend 1 minute longer than necessary in an airplane bathroom!
Hey Dani!
Happy you got a good laugh out of it!
I can’t believe that guy sat in the toilet the whole flight! That is crazy! I’m with you on that one. No toilet flying for me!
Hi there!
I just found your blog. My pet peeve. I was traveling back from Asia and happily sitting in the Emergency Exit seat so plenty of space for twirling my legs n’stuff, when some middle-aged guy with high waisted trousers started streching in front of my seat.
At one point, his bottom was almost on my lap!
He had absolutely no respect for personal space and was huuumphing and groaning a lot too!
Hello Victoria!
Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting!
Yup – that is one of my pet peeves too! Usually there is always one idiot near us on a flight! They should make all these people take seperate planes! 🙂