Flying the crazy skies and losing my mind ever so slowly.

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I happen to fly occasionally on biz trips and it never amazes me what I observe on these planes and in airports. It seems as if many people, or sub-humans as it were, refuse to adhere to the rules of common courtesy. Life if hard enough as it is but when travelling the unfriendly skies it can get downright excruciating! There are always a select few that just get me in the gonads with a swift kick. Many times it’s the idiot seated next to me or close by that I can’t escape. I just don’t get why some people can’t just chill out for a few hours while travelling to our destinations while trapped in a metal tube that resembles a Tylenol pill with wings at 30,000 feet. Once again I jetted to Vegas last week for biz and had to deal with the normal set of humanoids on my flight. Oh joy! Let us take roll call!

1)  The Line Smuggler. Yeah, the nimrod who feels as if they are too good to wait on the line for general boarding and tries to sneak in on the priority lane. When told they can’t board yet they sneakily just move over two feet and cut to the front of the line of all those already waiting. I really hope you choke on a mini-bag of peanuts you schmuck.

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2) The Phone Fucktard. We all see the obsession. The person that just won’t turn off their phone even when the doors have been closed and the flight crew have come by to tell them to turn it off. Sure, I am also obsessed with my phone but will disconnect for a few hours and take a needed nap on a flight. I can appreciate being out of contact for a bit. Some of these people go into cold sweats and flight rage when told they can’t use their phone. Alec Baldwin anyone? Just turn off the damn phone!

3) The Asshat In My Lap. It never fails. I always sit behind someone who feels the need to recline their seat down all the way. Into my crotch. Seriously, some of these seats recline so far back that I could smack my hoo-ha onto the top of their head. That, and I’m also trapped. Forget about getting up to hit the bathroom, or lowering the tray to do some work on my computer. This was my whole flight back from Vegas to NYC. All five hours. He also snored. Kill me.

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4) The Meatushead Behind Me. Every time they get up and down they have to push down on the back of my seat. With a thousand pounds of pressure. I feel as if I’m going to get launched like a sling shot across the plane when they let go. Not even an “excuse me” or “sorry about that”.  Is it that hard to get out of your seat without giving me whiplash?

5) The Talkative Douchenozzle. The person that has to come over and have lengthy conversations with their friend or business associate seated seperately from them. Usually it’s the person stuck in the middle seat next to my aisle position. So this nimrod has to hover over me while leaning on the seat in front of me having a long ass conversation. Instead of both getting up and talking by the bathroom they have to annoy the heck out of me and blah, blah, blah over my head. Shut up already and sit down!

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6) The Obnoxious Seat Oaf. Every damn flight. The people that just won’t take a seat. We’re trying to take off on time, the seat belts signs are on, the pilot has requested everyone take a seat, and they still get up to look in their luggage for something, run to the bathroom, or talk to a friend seated away from them. Annoying! Even worse is when those sitting next to you won’t take a seat and get up over and over during the flight. Sucks when I’m usually in my aisle seat and have to get up over and over for them. Sit your ass down already! I’m going to nail gun you to your seat!

7) The Flatulent Freak. The person who has to fart their brains out during the flight. We are all trapped in the plane and subjected to the nastiness of their flatulence. It smells nasty and there is no way to avoid it! Really? Really? You couldn’t hold it in? You could have let it rip in the bathroom you inconsiderate disgusting jerk! I feel sick.

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Oh, the joys of air travel. Am I the only one who goes through this when flying? Let’s hear your horror stories and pet peeves when on a plane. There are idiots on each one!

50 thoughts on “Flying the crazy skies and losing my mind ever so slowly.”

  1. First of all, your memes and graphics are priceless! As to flying, I am so sick of people putting their seat all the way back without even turning around first. I can’t tell you how many times my drink has ended up in my lap because some oaf just shoved his chair back.

    I used to commute back and forth to LA for business quite a bit, and all the asshole types you named above are even worse on a red eye. One nightmarish evening an entire class of 15 year olds was on my flight. The teeny bopper in front of me sitting backwards trying to pssst her teeny bopper friend sitting behind me. You’re supposed to sleep on a red eye, or at least shut your freaking mouth. I couldn’t take it anymore and when she turned around again I got kind of close to her face and whispered “If you get up and do that again I’m going to put my hands around your neck and squeeze until you stop talking, breathing, whatever.” I made sure I had a “I’m just crazy enough to do it” look in my eyes. I swear that kid did not move a muscle for the rest of the flight.

    I’m not saying it was a nice thing to do, I’m just saying that sometimes you have to take extreme measures in these situations.

  2. The memes are hilarious …. I especially love the first one and couldn’t agree more. Be glad this scared to death of flying woman (me) wasn’t on your flight all hopped up on Xanax crying like a baby or hallucinating about things outside the window.

  3. Oh Phil, you know I can relate to every single one of these time and time again.

    Air travel has become the norm now for so many of us yet still people lack the common courtesy to show flying etiquette. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been whacked in the face by people walking by with bags on their shoulders – just hold them out in front of you and we’ll all be happy. These people just don’t realise they are doing it.

    As for queue jumpers and people addicted to their phones, don’t get me started……
    The Guy recently posted…Holiday In Benidorm: Beach Vacation On A BudgetMy Profile

  4. Too funny, thank you for the laugh. Fortunately – I travel by plane only once a year or so I don’t have the pleasures you describe so well. Common courtesy is lacking in our society and it is every where – it’s just magnified on a plane because you can clearly see the idiots. It’s all about them.
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  5. Poignant Phil. I hear ya. I’ve gone from loving to travel to eh. I don’t think seats should even recline anymore due to the reduced seating space. And yes, the reclined person in front of me on the flight to Miami was nearly in my lap- and- due to weather- we already had a six hour delay! Twelve hours later… and all the rest of your points, good ones. Yes, we all know them!
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  6. 8) The stranger next to you wants to bond.
    9) The food looks and tastes like poo.
    10) The crazy person on the other side of you has a fear of flying, so, intermittently throughout the flight he yells, “What was that?” and “I need a drink?” and “Make that a double.” and when there’s a tiny bump, “We’re all going to die.” Yep, that would be John. 🙂
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  7. Remember bad airline food (back when they fed it to you without charging another $15)? I’m really nostalgic for that food because it seems now I always sit next to the guy who barely waits for wheels up before digging out God-only-knows-what food that smells like two week old fish barf.

  8. OMG – Were we separated at birth or something?? You sound JUST LIKE ME! LOL
    I actually experienced the Flatulent Freak on the R train on the way home from work. Wedged in a seat on a rush-hour crowded R-train, this old Chinese dude gets on at Canal Street. He appeared to be “sleeping” until he leaned to the left, raised his right butt-cheek off the seat and let one RIPPPP! My boss and I were horrified to say the least. I was particularly disgusted since I was the one sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM and couldn’t even stand up. All I could do was bitch within earshot of this creep (to no avail), move closer to my boss & apologize for almost invading her lap. WHAT the EVER-LOVING FUCK!!!?? People are unbelievable… No matter what mode of transportation. :/
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  9. This is a hilarious post, Phil! All of it is true and right on mark! I was laughing so hard at all your descriptions. I was envisioning you being launched like a sling shot! Ha,ha,ha!!! And the camel-toe – AY!! YUCK! 🙂

    My daughter just flew to PR to a couple of days and believe it or not, the airline behaved like a true gentleman! Like the ‘ol days! They were delayed and were going to miss their connection so they were put in first class and not charged for their luggage. Who does that anymore! Unreal! 🙂
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  10. I don’t know how you guys do it. My husband travels for work and has to take sometimes several flights in a week. I’m constantly getting annoyed texts from him on something some douche is doing in line or in a nearby seat. His biggest problem is that he’s a big guy, and it always seems as if the only bigger guy on the plane gets stuck in the seat next to him. I get the text message every single flight.

    I just flew home for a day, and I had a great experience on my flight home, actually sat next to a guy who wanted to talk but had something interesting to say. That is a rare event. Most of the time, I just start reading to stop the person from talking, but once (I kid you not) I pretended to be deaf.
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  11. Ugh, those people who are seated near the front who have to stand in the aisle adjusting themselves/their luggage/unpacking their bags/taking off their coats/switching with the person next to them, when clearly the courteous thing to do is to immediately stow your bag and step into the row so everyone else can board. We spent thirty minutes in the boarding queue and you didn’t think to take off your jacket or grab your laptop then?

    The people whose baggage doesn’t fit so they have to frantically run up and down the plane attempting to shove it into every compartment, especially when the airline offers free gate-checking.

    Children don’t usually bother me because you can’t do much about them, but I took a transatlantic flight with a mother that completely ignored her toddler the entire time, and the poor thing spent seven hours crying/whining/whimpering out of boredom and lack of attention. It was completely unnecessary.
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  12. I hate flying, and when I have to it is always allllllll the way across the country from Maine to California. I have to jack myself down with Xanax every time. But without a doubt one of the most memorable flights began with a delay. 15 min…30 min…45…60…a few announcements here and there about fuel calculations and trip mileage. And I am totally okay with waiting an hour if it means we will not drop like a stone somewhere over Missouri because we are out of gas. But then when we were ready to taxi, they made an announcement about the computer fuel calculator being off, they didn’t really know WHY, but they just had to rest it…they literally said “like when you have to hit Ctrl+Alt+Del on a computer.” Oh, okay, just a random, unidentified computer demon that just ate my thesis, I mean killed us all? Pffft, no big whoop.
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  13. I recognize all of them, they’re always on my flights. And usually, they bring their friend “I-get-up-before-the-seatbelt-sign-is-switched-off”-Joe.
    Would be great if the airlines started inducing fines for those idiots:)
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  14. Ha!

    The ONLY time it is acceptable to recline your seat on an airplane is when there is no one sitting behind you…or a small child sitting behind you. That’s it. No other excuses are acceptable.

    We’re flying out in a couple weeks for northern Cali and it’s going to be the longest flight I’ve ever taken. I’m not sure whether I should look forward to it or be terrified.
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    1. Hey Chrissy!

      That’s right! That should be the rule! I fly cross country a lot. JetBlue is my fav airline. Lots of TV channels and great snacks. Comfy seats too.

      If on airlines like Delta and flying coach be prepared so a less than spectacular flight. Last two I was on recently had no TV’s and cramped seating. At least they have wifi so bring a laptop. Also, avoid the middle seat!
      filbio310 recently posted…Time for some “adult fun” in NYC? Head to Rick’s Cabaret!My Profile

      1. Yeah, we fly Southwest. I’ll pay for wifi for my tablet and read to keep entertained. As far as the middle seat? Brian and I usually have a plan that works pretty well. We secure a window and aisle seat in the back…no one wants to sit in the middle, and if they do, they’d rather be up front. So we usually end up with the whole row to ourselves!

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