We who live here in New York love to go out to eat. It’s one of our pastimes that we all adhere to. Brunch has become a rite of passage. We mostly know that we can save a boat full of cash by cooking at home with more regularity, but then that means having to actually go out grocery shopping, preparing and cooking the actual meals, and then having to clean up the mess we make. It just seems easier to head out to one of the bazillion eateries and cafes that inhabit our fair city to enjoy a meal served to us. With the diverse amount of food stuffs offered here in our melting pot we have a cultural smorgasbord to choose from. No muss, no fuss.
Then again, along with the pleasantries of dining out there are the pitfalls that go along with it. Fellow obnoxious diners alongside you can easily ruin a nice meal. Restaurants can drive us batty with their rules and regulations. Clueless wait staff makes one want to scream. There are just so many to choose from! I give to you my fellow frustrated diners a list of rants & ravings based on my observations and experiences over my many years of dining out.
The couple that feels the need to sit next to each other and be all in love and shit. WTF people? You have a whole table to sit at. You’re alone. Get off of each other’s laps. Sit across from each other. Yeah, we get it. You’re obnoxiously in love. Googly eyes at each other. We don’t need to see you feed each other french fries and make out. If you want to bone then take it home.
If you are going to have a lovers quarrel why bother coming out to eat? We really don’t want to hear you two argue over the whole meal about why he doesn’t care about your feelings, or she doesn’t care for his family, or that you want kids, or that he never wants to go out and do anything anymore. No one cares! All I care about is this delicious crispy bacon on my plate that I am about to consume. Yessir!
Why is the bathroom a pig sty? This is a major one. The place might look clean and well kempt, yet the bathroom resembles something out of a nightmare dive bar in which you better not touch anything. Clean this mess up. I don’t like to see fruit flies and mystery liquids all over the place. Yuck.
What do you mean you are out of today’s special? It’s only 6:30 pm. You have it listed on the menu, your window, and outside on the sidewalk sign. How can you be out of it already? Why do restaurants bother to promote a meal they actually don’t have? Bait and switch. Hey, I’m out of real money but I have some Monopoly money I can pay with. Can I play that game too?
The self-important baby carriage crowd that feels the need to all meet up together for brunch or dinner lugging along these SUV sized baby carriages and crowding everyone around them. No, I really don’t want to move my table to fit your kid’s carriage in. Sure, I love to hear your kids cry and scream as we are trying to enjoy a nice quiet meal. How about you all just stay home and host the meal there for your friends? You can drink as many mimosas there as you want as the rest of us dine in peace.
Please don’t try and seat me by the bathroom, waiter service station, kitchen doors, or front entrance. Nope, don’t even try it. I’m sorry but I will refuse to be seated at the crappy tables. As soon as I see a host leading us to one of these spots I want to run. I have no problem refusing that seat you are exiling us to and demanding to be seated at a better spot. Don’t even roll your eyes at me – just do it. I’ll even patiently wait for a better spot. No one wants to sit where they can smell the toilet and hear it flushing.
Stop banging into me! What is up with people that have to keep nailing me in the back of the head when walking behind me? There is room to get by the table, so why does every bus boy, waitress, and server have to constantly brush against me when passing by? I feel like I’m in a hockey game getting checked into the boards. Goal!!!!!!
Yes, we are here using a Groupon or some other deal that your restaurant signed up for. Don’t try to get out of it or treat us as if we have chicken pox and avoid us the whole time we are there. Honor what you signed up for. I’m still spending good money in your establishment. Deal with it. With a smile. Douche.
I made this reservation weeks ago. I have the time, date, and confirmation. I called yesterday to double confirm. What do you mean you can’t find it? Next opening is at 10:30 pm? I’m not waiting three and half hours to eat! I don’t care if you gave our table to Jay-Z and Beyonce’. We’re hungry now!
The happy tourist couple that proceeds to lean over and engage you in a long-winded conversation about their visit to New York. They are all giddy and peppy and just can’t wait to tell you about every building they have gazed at, the museums they walked through, and the amazing Broadway play they saw. OMG – now they are showing you all 238 pictures they took on their digital camera. “Isn’t Times Square the most wonderful place on the planet?” Kill me now. Please. I’m begging you.
Why are you closed? It clearly says on your website that you are supposed to be open. Oops, you went out of business? Maybe if you had updated your website once in a while your restaurant would still be open, nimrod!
Why is it so loud in here? The acoustics suck and the music is blasting. If I am dining somewhere that is way too loud then I will never eat there again. If I can’t hear my dining partners over normal conversation and my ears are bleeding this is not good. Huh? What did you say? Whaaaaat?
Restaurants that always feel as if you are dining in a sauna kill me. Turn up the damn AC! No one likes to eat hot food while sweating their butts off. Even if the food is tasty and the price is right, if I feel as I am being tortured I can’t enjoy the meal.
The stuck up waiter/clueless waiter/waitress syndrome. Yes, I know you are overworked and it’s a mind numbing job at times as you are just trying to pay your way through school, pay bills, or even support a family. I worked in the industry a while, so I feel you. Still, at least be a little pleasant, come by our table now and then, know what the specials are, etc. Have a damn personality. It drives me nuts when I can tell they have no clue how somethings tastes, what is a better plate, how a meal is prepared, and what is actually on the menu. Try to fake it with me and your tip will be fake too!
Screw it. I think I’ll just stay home and do some cooking on my own. Sometimes it’s just too aggravating to go out and eat. What do you think? Is it worth it to eat out or just plain aggravating at times?