It’s Monday morning and I already have started the day out with a “what the eff moment”. You all know how it is when you drag yourself out of bed, into the shower, and arrive at work with that first cup of hot coffee. You slowly wake up from the grogginess that drapes your brain. You get your desk situated and set up a plan of attack for the day, and for what comes before you over the afternoon. Your body as it awakens let’s you know that it needs to hit the bathroom to start your day off right. If any of you are like me sometimes all it takes is one cup of morning coffee and “whammo”! Time to poop! Ah, there is nothing like a good morning constitutional to start the day off right. Everything is moving along swimmingly until some idiot “Turd Burglar” comes along and messes up your whole routine.
I think it’s time for a bit of ranting when it comes to toilet etiquette. Now, I can’t speak about the women’s room situation so if any of the fairer sex want to pipe in just do so and let ‘er rip!
Please don’t stop me to chat when you see I am about to enter the men’s room. Especially if I have something to read with me. Doubly so if you see me running to the can!
For the love of God please flush the bowl. I really don’t want to walk into the abomination you left in there from last night’s Mexican feast you enjoyed.
What the heck is wrong with your aim! How hard is it to get your pee in the bowl/unrinal, and not all over the floor around it.
If you are going to pee all over the toilet seat at least wipe your nastiness off it.
I hate when I take my spot in a stall and get all comfortable, about to do my thing, and then a bunch of people walk in and start having a conversation. For ten minutes. Ugh.
Again, I do not want to talk biz matters with you in the bathroom. Can it wait until I finish crapping?
Also, do not try to have a conversation with me through the stall wall! I don’t care if you are working on a project with me. This is my “alone” time!
Why does it sound like the guy in the stall next to me is giving birth? Or about to have heart failure.
Please, if you are destroying the bowl how about a courtesy flush? I can’t breath over here!
Great, the idiot before me used up all the toilet paper because he had to wipe with a catchers mitt.
You clogged the bowl and just left it like that? Use the plunger dude!
Again, talk to me outside and not when I am washing my hands. I just want to get out of here.
Please get off your damn Blackeberry or phone. Why are you having a conversation on the crapper anyway?
What is up with this one-ply crappy toilet paper? It’s like wiping with sand paper!
How can you idiots be so messy? The sink area is a disaster. Are you like this at home?
Dude, how much gas can you have? You sound like a you are popping bubble wrap in there.
Why is every stall occupied the one moment of the day I really need to go?
Yes, I am in this stall. Stop trying to break down the door! Damn Turd Burglar!
Have any of you experienced this kind of “crappy behavior” when just trying to use the bathroom in peace?
Who else has been a victim of the “Turd Burglar“?
26 thoughts on “Don’t Be A Turd Burglar!”
Turd burglars should be flushed down the toilet too!
Hahaha! Yes, they should be! Yet, they might clog it and cause more problems!
It’s the same in the ladies unfortunately…
I have heard rumours that the ladies room situation is worse than the men’s! 🙂
I think that might be right!
I was once in the bathroom and heard a girl… talking on the phone… to her DAD… while pooping. (!)
Oh come on now. Admit it. That was probably you! 🙂
Thanks for reading but please stop chatting with dad when in the pooper!
The aim comment made me laugh! I have my husband and two boys and the rug in front of my toilet is always wet with pee 🙂 It drives me nuts!!
Maybe you need to put some plastic down in front of the bowl!
Glad I made you laugh!
This is an extremely funny post. What I hate the most, is when the toilet doesn’t flush when visiting guests. And it needs to be used. I also hate it when all the toilet paper ends up on the floor . How did it get down there?
Thanks for the comment! Glad you liked it. Oh man, if the toilet breaks when at someone’s house climb out the window! 🙂
Bahahahaha!!! This post was too funny. Anything about poop generally makes me laugh. Sorry, I’m totally immature.
We all laugh over poop jokes! I’m still a bit immature. It’s more fun that way!
Honestly, how is it that at the exact moment I need to use the restroom, half of the office does. I use to HATE that! And if it was empty, as soon as I got comfortable I group of women would come in and start talking…to me, “Hey Carica, I can tell it’s you by your shoes.” No. That’s just wrong.
Yeah, right? Same thing happens to me. I want to yell over the stall at them to GTFO!
Let me do my business in peace! Thanks for reading!
You’re a nut!!!
Yes, yes I am! 🙂
So okay. I’m a chick. And when I worked in corporate America nothing infuriated me more than to have women in the bathroom primping, doing their makeup, chatting with their friends like the shitter was a coffee shop. THERE ARE PLACES TO HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS. I AM TRYING TO TAKE A DUMP HERE.
I also went to an all-women’s college. Okay, I am an only child, and I was raised by a single mom. My mother was completely anal retentive that if something as small as an eyelash fell on the floor, it was picked up immediately. When I took off to school, I was shocked at the amount of shit a woman could do to F up a bathroom.
1) Not for the squeamish, but we all know women have certain, uh “needs” once a month. Let’s just say, Hansel & Gretel bread crumb trails of blood leading to a stall. What do they do – wring their tampons out? “F**K YOU ALL STEP IN MY BLOOD”
2) No problems with people flushing but how about aim? You sit, FCOL, how do you get poop in a pile on top of the toilet and on the wall? No seriously, this happened.
3) My mother was making fun of her boyfriend once. In Mexico I guess he got some bad water, and had to use the bathroom at inopportune moments. She said that men are gross, they’ll go to the bathroom anywhere and not care about how they treat it. I flipped. Women do not get a pass.
4) Hey I’m not perfect. I’ve been known to blow it up at my friend’s houses but at least I admit to it. Women who don’t admit to pooping are just uptight. You all do it, and don’t act like you don’t know other women do it too. If you are lounging in the bathroom (unless you have legit reason, like you need to take a dump yourself), just remember there is a woman in that stall who really needs to blow it up. Kthxbye.
Hahahaha! I love it! “I am trying to take a dump here” – classic!
Yes – women do poop and blow it up as much as us guys do! LOL – I am laughing way too much reading your reply!
Man, some women are nasty in the crapper! 🙂
Thanks for the awesome comment, and for keeping it real!
Taryn, bloody trails? WTF that’s just straight up nasty. I’ve seen some pretty nasty stuff, but a blood trail, that’s a new one.. For real…
I know, right? The things women do in the toilet!
Yeah, I don’t play with this nonsense. I simply tell them “It’s no coincidence that you saw me walking into the men’s room, you know what I’m saying”…
Yeah, these dudes have no turd sense! Leave me alone in there!
Yes, this happens in the women’s room too! I have had all of the above complaints and it’s why I avoid using public bathrooms at all costs! If I were to write a part 2 of my bathroom rant this would be it!
So glad you and I agree on this subject! I think we all have our rants about this subject. Men and women both, except guys have no shame. We will poop and pee anywhere! Especially if there is a Starbucks around!