Do girls poop? That, and other NYC mysteries of flatulence.

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Do girls poop? I was recently confronted with that question and still pondering an answer. Does anyone really know? It’s one of those mysteries of the universe. When dating we never really see them go to the bathroom to take a hairy dump. If they do go it’s usually for a quick pee so there is no way they can squeeze out a quick one in that time. Not like us dudes as we can clip off some cable in minutes and be right back at the dinner table without missing a beat. Plus, don’t even suggest they go in a public place! That is akin to heresy! Here in NYC there is a definite lack of clean public restrooms to use other than finding a Starbucks without a line of people waiting as long as at the DMV. Even some of those can be pretty scary at times. Women will actually hold it in all day than sacrifice sitting their butt flesh on a foreign toilet seat. Just do the hover! I could never do that to myself. Guys are like bears and the whole city is our woods, or toilet bowl so to speak. I have discovered some ingenious spots to get relief – hotels, restaurants, gyms, porta potties, behind a parked car, etc. Oh, don’t ever ask a girl to go in a porta pottie unless you want to experience the “stink eye” and a smack upside your head. A porta pottie to a women is pretty much the last resort, and like asking them to enter the third portal of Hell itself. There are some things that just can not be unseen in them.

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Also, what is it about flatulance? Us guys have no problem with ripping a good one, so how come women will hardly ever do the same in front of us? Sure, many of us guys don’t want to know our ladies fart and crap as we do, but it is part of human biology. Right? That’s what I tell my gal when I just can’t hold it in anymore. Just so happens the loudest and most odorous ones seem to hit when at the movies, at crowded store, or when out dining. Kind of embarrassing I will admit, but just breathe it in deeply and take in the aroma. Not much else you can do at that point. Nothing like a good giggle inducing fart but our female partners never seem to find it as amusing as we do. How come they don’t find a “Dutch Oven” as enjoyable as us guys? Smells like petunias to me. Also, when she thinks I cut one it’s usually just a creaky floorboard, a bird outside our window, or something I bump into that makes a similar noise. For some reason she never believes me. Couldn’t be the smell. Nope. Nah.

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Sometimes I wonder why it’s so hard for many out there to just “let it flow”. All it takes for me in the morning is basically my first swig of coffee and I’m running to the bathroom. Coffee is nature’s enema! Also, why is it that your bowels decide it’s time to empty just after you step into the shower, or worse, right after when you’re all clean and fresh? Another thing that I dread here living in NYC is when the urge hits just as you get on the subway, and of course, the trains are crawling due to delays. Oh yeah, that is always a good time. Trapped on a rolling bouncing steel tube packed full of people with your butthole clenched tight enough to turn a piece of charcoal into a diamond. Your mind is racing with thoughts of anal disaster while the sweat beads of panic roll down your backside. Add in the mistake of eating a Mexican meal the night before and I’m trying not to shart myself as I run off the train, across the street, and into my office building. Oh, please God, let there be an elevator car waiting for me that is empty! Of course not! Fifteen other peope have to pile in, and some dolt keeps holding the doors open for more people to get on board. Dude, really? I’m dying over here and a catastrophe is about to happen. I think at this point it’s a recurring nightmare of mine. Like with the movie “Groundhog’s Day” it seems to happen way too often for my liking. Damn burritos.

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What do you think? Any bowel disasters of your own, or flatulance follies?

Do girls poop?

70 thoughts on “Do girls poop? That, and other NYC mysteries of flatulence.”

  1. No girls don’t poop! Just kidding. Sorry to disappoint you. However, I think we don’t fart or take a shit in front of ‘our guy’ as we’d like for him to not do it in front of us! My dad ruined it for every guy in my life because as a kid, he’d blow a silent but deadly in the car and roll the windows up, laughing. Scarred for life, I tell ya!

  2. I become suspicious when a lady heads off to the loo AFTER the meal. An eating disorder….more often than not.

    1. Hey Dave!

      Sometimes that might be the case. Unless the toilet paper is stuck in her panties an following her with a long trail back to the table!

  3. LOL Phil!… Well I tell you that woefully, we do!….
    Those memes are awesome… I love the one of Jesus and the Holy Shl7.
    Best wishes!, Aquileana 😀

  4. Oh, I’m sorry you’ve had to experience the swaying subway cars, making a turd diamond, and packed elevators holding it in!

    And yes, girls do leave steaming Girl Scout fudge brownies behind.

    1. Hey Adam!

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting! Yup – that is something many of us has had to endure. Such is life!

      I will never eat a Girl Scout cookie again after that comment.

  5. I have a very anal retentive mother. If I made a mess, anywhere, anytime, any part of the house, it was cleaned up immediately. I mean, even one dirty spoon in the sink (not wanting to waste water for ONE spoon) was overkill. Which meant our bathroom floors…well, one could eat off them (I choose not to, you know, bathroom and all). That said, I went to an all-women’s school for college. Newsflash: WOMEN TAKE SHITS. They take really bad ones. And some have no clue how to clean up after themselves. I was shocked, like breadcrumb trails of poop leading to the bathroom, and *poof* ghosts. No proof of who did it. I could even tell you the gross story about how someone had a “blowout” all over the wall and back of the toilet. Like, adult women…how does this happen? We also had to have primers on how to PROPERLY clean up after oneself.

    That is not all. I am probably the anti-girl. My husband knows I poop, proudly I might add. Because I am one proud pooper. I have no problem pooping in public, mostly because I eat a lot of fiber. When I gotta go, I gotta **GO**. I work in wellness. I help people poop properly. There are a lot of angry people out there – probably can’t poop. Lastly, maybe women wouldn’t be so uptight about farting, pooping or any other bodily function. I mean, we are human, it’s a sign of good health, it’s something natural. We all have colons, we all have large intestines…embrace that turd.

    1. Hey Taryn!

      My mom was like that too. Our house was spotless. Like a museum. Their place now down in Florida is the same. Amazing.

      Oh yes, I have heard horror stories about how nasty women’s bathrooms are. Women are pigs when it comes to using public and shared restrooms from what I have been told. WTF????? Why? How?

      Sounds like you have embraced your inner and outer turd!

    1. Hey Karen!

      Damn, woman, that is one long case of constipation! Hope no one lights a match near you. A whole neighborhood might get annihilated!

  6. Hi Phil,

    Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while totally overrun with work recently.

    Another great post when we just have to get the crap out of the way. Public toilets are everyone’s nightmare. If I can’t make a few safety layers of toilet roll between me and the seat I’m not going. That is if the place is semi-respectable anyway.

    As for the fairer sex, oh yes they can let them rip!!! Most say they “let them out gently” or hold them in. Yet I find the more comfortable they are with you, the more relaxed they’ll be!

    1. Hey Guy!

      You can always do the hover! Just don’t let those butt cheeks touch the seat. Beware the after splash though. No fun when that water heads back up the bung hole!

      I still don’t want to know what a woman does when she lets it rip!

  7. I’m here!!! Yay! Finally on my computer.

    Phil? You’re a little cray cray for writing about women pooping, you know this, right? OF COURSE we don’t. We only go into the restroom to clean it, and sometimes to read Shakespeare and Tolstoy. pfffft. Silly man. (the memes are hysterical!)

    1. Hey Beth!

      Welcome back! Good to see you here commenting about poop!

      Wait – you go to the bathrrom to clean it? You mean your poop? Do you shine it up? Give it a good buff? Take it home with you and tuck it into bed?

      Now I know why you all take so long in the powder room!

  8. I’m sorry to burst your anus, but yes, we do. And as for farting, they’re generally just silent but deadly. The worst kind really.

    On a less smelly note, loved the post! 🙂

  9. I’ll be the first one to admit that I love to poop. It just feels great to get everything out of the system and after a hearty one, I am almost immediately hungry. Go figure! There are long-standing jokes that I have to “mark my territory” wherever I go, but I can’t help it though… when you gotta go, you gotta go and missing the “poop window” might lead to constipation. Never a fun time.

    I also enjoy a good fart so long as no one can identify that it’s me. Airplanes and Disneyland are my favorite places to let out the gas because no one will ever be able to pinpoint me. I am often asked if I am the responsible farter for an unpleasant odor and unlike some, I will admit when it was me. I’m not taking credit for everyone’s toot out there, but if it was mine, I’ll own it.

    1. Hey Jessica!

      A proud pooper for sure! Look at you. Dropping the kids off at the pool and pulling back up to the dining table!

      As for the farting, just be aware that we all know it’s you. You’re not kidding anyone. We all know who’s anus it came out of. We see you smirking.

  10. According to my 21 year old son, NO!! Not only do girls not poop but they just should NEVER poop! And, never talk about it. Why do guys get so grossed out when women do it but laugh their asses off when they do? I am definitely sending this post to him. He’ll love this shit! LOL.

    1. Hey PJ!

      There is nothing more satisfying than taking a monsterous bowel emptying dump. Especially one when we can read the whole newspaper or magazine. Or email and text everyone while on the bowl. Life is good.

  11. No. Girls do not poop. Neither do women. We are trained from birth to not give a poop. Farting…that’s another story. We invented the SBD (silent but deadly). Mostly so we could blame it on what ever male happens to be around. Dad, husband, dog, it doesn’t matter. We will always be seeking retribution for men having the freedom to poop. Anywhere, anytime, all the time.
    Susie sent me.

    1. Hey Michelle!

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting! Susie throws great parties!

      I have heard that a few times here so far about the SBD’s. To think all these years I always blamed the poor dog. Don’t hate us because us guys have no shame when it comes to dumping. We’ll go anywhere in anything if it spells relief!

  12. Men are animals, you know, biological beings. Women are celestial, not even remotely related to chimpanzees, hence an exemption from the need to ever see the inside of a NYC public poop place. Bidets? Drinking fountains for heavenly bodies.

    1. Hey Julia!

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting!

      Now, that is a way to explain it! Women are Heavenly and men are like monkeys. Yeah, I’ll even agree with that one. Some of us even throw our poop!

  13. Susie sent me over (though I’ve been here before). I needed a little levity in my day–though I’m not sure that’s what you had in mind. This is a serious subject, after all! One possible explanation for why women don’t poop, or if we do, we don’t talk about it: we’re more evolved. Another would be that we spend too much time cleaning up other people’s sh*t.

    1. Hey Audrey!

      Thanks for dropping by again and commenting! Susie throws a good shindig!

      Glad I offered a smile with this one. Poop is the universal giggle machine. If we can’t laugh about our own poop life is boring. As for women being more evolved I’m not even going to argue with you as I’m chuckling at the fart I just made.

  14. Then, there’s also the whole issue of pooping with the bathroom door standing wide open, in the half-bath off the kitchen, while the family’s eating breakfast. Yeah, they HATE it when I do that. 😉

    1. Hey Liz!

      Um, I, uh, don’t even know how to react at that one. Except that I hope you wash yor hands afterwards while making my Eggos! 🙂

      As long as I’m fed you can poop on the kitchen floor for all I care!

  15. When I was in my 20’s and 30’s, I never let anyone hear me fart. Now, in my 50’s, gas just comes out at will. Can’t stop it. It’s just there. I’ve stopped feeling embarrassed about it. In regard to pooping, yes I do. But I’m not going to tell you what color or how long.

    1. Hey Mary!

      Farting is a natural body function. I tell that to my gal when it just comes out a will. I blame it on chicken, beans, broccoli, and pretty much everything. She still doesn’t believe me. Some of us are just fart machines. Just embrace it!

  16. This is a very perplexing question and will likely be one of the ongoing mysteries of the world. I did hear a doctor on a TV show the other day talking about flatulence and he declared that although its been shown through research that men fart more than women, women’s farts generally smell worse. And yes apparently its been studied! So there you go… Oh and Susie sent me!

    1. Hey Steve!

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting! Susie has some cool peeps at her parties!

      So people study fart smellability! I wonder how you get that job? Now I can tell my female friends that their shit does indeed stink!

  17. LOL – I had a an experience that was worse that a porta potty on a football field when it’s 100 degrees out. Yes I have a comparison. Without TMI I’ll tell you were stationed in Japan at the time. I had something to eat that was really going through me. I was aware that in some places the toilet was in the floor LIKE IN THE FLOOR but I didn’t think it would be like that in the mall. Well it was. Let just say I was successful in not getting any part of “the bowel disaster” on the back of my jeans.

    1. Hey Kenya!

      So you basically had to aim the butthole and shoot the poop through a hole in the floor like a carnival game! Sounds like fun!

      Must be bad for those who have the splatter poops. Feel bad for those who have to clean those things!

  18. Nothing pisses me off more then when I am stuck sitting next to the stinkiest fartiest guy on a plane!! One guy even wrapped himself in a blanket to contain it and when he got up to go to bathroom I almost fainted when it escaped the blanket. So gross!
    AND no we do not fart or poop. The End.

    1. Hey Holli!

      Oh, I have been through that as I travel for biz a lot. You’re lucky he didn’t yell out “Dutch Oven” and throw the blanket over you!

      I knew it! You women don’t really poop!

  19. On school camps back in the 1970s the teachers would insist that the boys emptied the buckets/toilets for both the boys and girls sections (not very PC). So, at the tender age of 13, I learnt that women crap – indeed, their bucket was always heavier and smellier than the one used by the boys. It shattered all my illusions about women!

  20. Never ever heard of “clip off some cable.” John has now adopted that phrase into his morning rush after his first coffee. HAHAAHAH!

    1. Hey Shelley!

      See! Now I am a part of your everyday morning routine! It’s an honor to go to the bathroom with John each morning. Wait, what?

  21. If I’ve been drinking, I can poop anywhere, anytime. That includes a forest. But if I’m in an unfamiliar place, I’ll keep that sucker corked for hours and suffer though cramps before dropping the kids off a the pool. Need some privacy for that…..

    1. Hey Marcia!

      Drinking just helps release the Kraken!

      Still, when the kids want to hit the pool let them. So what if people outside the door hear them splashing around when they hit the water!

    1. Hey Lucky!

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting!

      Just like growing out of allergies? Baby poop is nasty smelling. So glad to know you ladies stop pooping at an early age. A grown up women taking a shit is not something I want to know about. Yet, some weirdo guys are into that stuff!

    1. Hey Betsy!

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting!

      You forgot the last time you pooped? Have you checked inside your pants lately? I knew I smelled something! 🙂

  22. A friend of mine told me how she used to bring a pocket-sized CKOne in her handbag, when she first started dating this guy. Later on the guy confessed that he had always wondered why the toilet smelled like CK every time she had been out there. Lots of things guys just don’t understand..:)

  23. Do girls poop? Absolutely not! We’re like the Queen, full of flowers and honeysuckle. Me, not the Queen! She sits on the throne all day and waves. No time to eat even. I mean have you ever seen the Queen eat? Nope! Exactly!
    You boys though. I mean OMG, keep it in!

    1. Hey Victoria!

      LOL! I knew she had a cork in that thing. Nice to admit that you sit on the porcelain throne and have at it! As for us guys, we just let it flow! No shame here!

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