Why is it that these things always seem to happen to me?
Just recently on the way to work I jumped into a crowded subway car, and of course as is my normal luck, be trapped in an uncomfortable situation. No, not the kind where someone is grinding up against you and getting their jollies. That happens so often here in NYC during rush hour it’s almost part of the daily commute. No, this was actually worse. The guy standing right next to me, almost in my lap actually, smelled like festering day old bologna. No joke. It’s almost as if he had a salami sandwich stuffed into his underwear. Oh yeah, the AC was also not really working in this car.
Then, the worst thing you can hear during a moment like this. “Due to a signal malfunction we are being held here until we get the ok to proceed”. Oh hell no. Stuck between stations for who knows how long, and with no windows open to let out the stench of rotting deli meat. This subway car was so packed no one could move. Even worse was I think the guy behind me was really grinding against my ass. All I kept thinking was that I was going to walk into work smelling like this bologna guy and my coworkers would want to fumigate the office.
So here I am wedged between a roll of human liverwurst and a giant Chihuahua dry humping my leg. Could this day get any worse? You bet it can!
After what seemed like an eternity breathing in the aroma of hot wet meat we finally started to move. As we approached the next station all I could think about was escaping onto the platform to wait for the next train. Seems like many of us had the same plan as the car quickly emptied out in a rush as soon as the doors opened. I let out a sigh of relief and enjoyed a bit of fresh air as I watched the train pull away with meat man and my unwanted lover still inside. As I went to take a few steps I felt something wrong as my foot was stuck to the ground. As I pulled my foot up a gigantic string of pink sticky stuff stretched from floor to shoe bottom.
Dammit! I stepped right into some idiot’s spat out gum wad.
Not just any wad. No, of course not. Couldn’t be just a small single piece of gum. This was a massive wad. I swear it seemed like whoever did this one had chewed the whole damn box at once. Maybe a bucket. It was all over the bottom of my shoe. Not just in one spot. We’re talking heel to toe here. It was as if I stepped into the Blob. There was so much gum that some was riding up the sides of the shoe. I thought it was going to devour me. Oh crap. It was also on the bottom of my dress pants. Nice.
Great. Now I get to go to work smelling like an old bologna sandwich and stale bubblegum.
But wait! There’s more!
As I finally get to my stop and exit the subway I look around to make sure there’s not a pack of wild dogs close by that would catch my meat and gummy scent. I really wasn’t in the mood to be their next meal. I immediately headed to the bathroom and tried to scrape off the disaster on the bottom of my shoe. Running hot water over the bottom and using a pen I tried to remove this sticky mess. It seemed to be getting worse even as I was able to pull some off with paper towels. Then I noticed something was running afoul with my foot. Why was it feeling wet? I looked down and saw that I was standing in a puddle of cold something. My whole sock was soaked through with this unknown fluid. I glanced over to the urinals across the way and noticed a stream of water running across the floor right to where I was standing.
You have got to be kidding me! Really? Gross! What the hell is on my foot? Every horror movie I have ever watched just went through my mind. The Thing was one of them. The remake with Kurt Russell that was way more gruesome.
So here I am now heading to my office smelling like fermenting bologna, a Blob devouring my shoe and pants bottom, one dry sock, and a foot covered in some nasty unknown substance. At this point life was really sucking.
Fast forward to lunch time. My day pretty much went to crapola from the moment I left the apartment so why wouldn’t things just steamroll into a big pile of steaming poo as the day went on? I went across the street, one sock, sticky shoe, and some sort of zombie disease on my foot, to the deli to grab lunch. Went back to my desk to eat in peace and collect my thoughts. Maybe I made a big mistake in choice of soup and sandwich. Well, the sandwich was fine but pea soup didn’t work out so well. With the day I was having I really should have thought this one out a bit more.
Ever have one of those moments when you go all spaz and knock over every full glass on the table? Spill your coffee? Let’s just say that somehow I launched pea soup all over my pants leg. It was one of those moments when you see it fly through the air in slow motion, and you know what is about to happen, but are powerless to stop it. I then proceeded to make even more of a mess when I tried to wipe it off with paper towels, and smeared it even deeper into my pants. Now I also smelled like baby poop on top of everything else.
This day could not have ended fast enough.
Sometimes it’s just not worth getting out of bed in the morning. Ever have one of those days?