Sometimes people watching in NYC can be real fun. If you look around and just listen a bit there are some amazing things happening around us. I walked into my normal neighborhood coffee shop this morning to take my usual seat, connect to the free wifi, and settle in with a hot cup of joe. Being that it was a crappy weather night out I just went to the gym and then stayed in. I finally hit the hay a bit earlier to get a good night’s sleep. On a Friday nonetheless! Lawd have mercy! I feel good and actually got up early to get in here while it was still empty save for a few other early risers. As I sipped my coffee and perused my emails I also wondered what to write about today. Sometimes I have a few ideas swimming in my jumbled mind about a subject or two to ramble on about. I had nothing today other than cobwebs that the coffee was slowly beginning to erase from my brain. Then it came to me like a ray of sunlight breaking through the clouds. Enter Mr Alpha Male Creepy McCreeperstein! Sit back and enjoy the show as he totally destroys a date with what seemed like a nice girl. Grab your popcorn and take a seat on the couch. See the douchenozzle in his natural habitat!
Seriously, this was pure gold. It’s one of those moments in life when you leave in your earbuds but turn off the ipod to listen in and observe. It was that juicy. It’s like he ran the guy’s playbook on how to not get totally laid. All I was thinking through this whole thing as they were sitting right in front of me was to keep writing notes and not break out laughing at this douche. That, and I felt bad for this poor gal. You could tell the date was disintegrating and there was no way of stopping this train wreck.
She arrived first, grabbed a cup of coffee, and took a seat at a table in front of me. Well dressed in a flirty weekend way, but not overly done, attractive and had a smile on her face as she ordered. I detected a hint of a Russian or Polish accent. A few minutes later Dr Douchenstein walked in wearing a full power suit, leather man bag at his side, oozing of UES frat boy Wall Street smugness. You could tell he thought he was the shit just by listening to him for a few minutes. They probably met through an online dating site and thought this was a safe bet. He reminded me of Christian Bale’s charactor in American Psycho. Well coiffed but kinda swarmy. Inside I was screaming at her – “RUN! Get away while you still can! Saaaaaave yourselfffffff”!!!
The conversation started out innocently enough. Two people getting to know one another. Where are you from? What do you do for a job? What college did you go to? What is your bra size? The normal stuff. Wait – what?!! Did he just ask her that? Yes he did! Commence turning off ipod! Sure, she was what you would consider nicely endowed in the chestal area, but dude really? You just met. Talk about an ice breaker as she nervously laughed off his question.
Now I see them order some food and he asked for seperate checks. Oh man, this is getting better. Mr Dickwad could not splurge for an egg sandwich and coffee for the lady? Yet, you are walking around with a $400 man bag/purse? I heard him comment something to the effect that she should watch her carbs or she will blow up. Yeah, nothing like insulting a lady to get her sexual arrousal juices flowing.
The next thing I notice is that he wants to show her something on his cell phone. He swears she will love it as it’s really funny. He keeps trying to put it in her face but she declines. He then drags his chair next to hers and creepily leers in at her bosom while almost sitting on her lap. Mind you this dude is around 6’2″ and she is maybe 5’4″ tops. He hits the play button and from my angle behind them I could see the phone. Sweet Lawd Jeebus he is showing her a PORN video! With full volume!
ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!
Are you fucking kidding me? In a public place? At this point you can tell she is mortified, and he quickly turns the volume down as he makes her watch it and does play by play. He keeps telling her how funny it is but she tells him she doesn’t find it humorous at all. He then says that “Anal is funny! Just look at her facial reactions”! I swear she was about to give this guy a facial across the nose. I shit you not – this is really happening right in front of me! I could not write this stuff down fast enough for this blog post!
Then, in his self righteous point of view he begins to throw attitude at her and starts pouting like she killed his puppy. He tells her she needs to loosen up and that she should be happy he met her this early in the morning. She explained that she needs to go to work later on and as a boss she was needed in today for a project deadline. He then tells her that women should not be in charge. She was too pretty to be a boss, and that pretty women make terrible leaders since all they care about are their looks. “Men like me are bred to be leaders, as that is the natural order” he proclaims. I started laughing so hard coffee shot out my nose and all over my keyboard at this point. I was sweating and hyperventilating desperately trying to not break down in hysterics. This guy was a total joke of a human being. I feel so sorry for the poor girl that gets into a relationship with this jackwipe. Can we say Stepford Wife here?
Ok, so now I can see this date has gone to Hell, and she is not happy at all. He is sitting across from her drinking his espresso and a death like silence has taken over the conversation. Staring at her. Out of the blue he asks her if she is attracted to him. He says that most women find him sexy and he gets a lot of girls. She is silent. He then gets up and tells her to not expect another date or text from him. As he walks out he tells her to have a nice life. Good riddance! She dodged a bullet on that one. As she finishes off her coffee alone I feel so bad for her, but relieved in the fact that this shit stain will not ever procreate with her. Unless she actually is dumb enough to contact him again. Lose his number please.
As I get older and observe the world around me it has really come to mind that this generation of younger men are really clueless about how to date and treat a woman. I can also imagine if this is how they act when on a date how that must reflect on their abilities in the bedroom. Lame-O! Now, I know this is not all men but I do see it all too often here in NYC, especially with guys under 30 it seems. I’ll admit I was a bit of a douche too when it came to dating in my skirt chasing dog days. I was no angel, but after a while I learned, and realized these tactics are not the way to get more play. It’s all about the skills my brethren.
Not all women adhere to the “treat me like a bro, put me down, and make me eat shit” way of flirting. What happened to being a gentleman, treating a woman right, and flirting in a playful sexy way? Too many men nowadays are social misfits and the basis of their communication is through the web and internet porn. I think it’s how they learn this crap. Sure, dating in NYC nowadays is like a sport along with certain game rules to adhere to. So glad I don’t have to deal with it. Dating today is like competing in a demolition derby!
Get a clue guys. Really.