Why is it that these things always seem to happen to me?
Just recently on the way to work I jumped into a crowded subway car, and of course as is my normal luck, be trapped in an uncomfortable situation. No, not the kind where someone is grinding up against you and getting their jollies. That happens so often here in NYC during rush hour it’s almost part of the daily commute. No, this was actually worse. The guy standing right next to me, almost in my lap actually, smelled like festering day old bologna. No joke. It’s almost as if he had a salami sandwich stuffed into his underwear. Oh yeah, the AC was also not really working in this car.
Then, the worst thing you can hear during a moment like this. “Due to a signal malfunction we are being held here until we get the ok to proceed”. Oh hell no. Stuck between stations for who knows how long, and with no windows open to let out the stench of rotting deli meat. This subway car was so packed no one could move. Even worse was I think the guy behind me was really grinding against my ass. All I kept thinking was that I was going to walk into work smelling like this bologna guy and my coworkers would want to fumigate the office.
So here I am wedged between a roll of human liverwurst and a giant Chihuahua dry humping my leg. Could this day get any worse? You bet it can! Continue reading Days like this make you wish you had stayed in bed!
It’s been a while since I let out my frustrations. So many things that make me want to scream out loud and bang my head against the wall lately. Sometimes, these same irritants come around seasonally, and others come out of left field like a pigeon taking a dump on my head. Let’s start with the most obvious one. And away we go!
1) Pumpkin everything – Really, what the heck? How can such a little used member of the squash family make everyone become so crazed once Labor Day hits? It’s like the population becomes hypnotized and metamorphosizes into zombies craving brains, um, pumpkin flavored everything. Sure, I love me some pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving, but enough is enough. Let’s be real here – most of these over-flavored pumpkin foods and drinks taste like crap anyway. Either way too sweet or just bland.
2) The hot weather – I am so sick of the warm humid swamp ass weather. I am so ready for the cool, crisp, dry and comfortable Fall season. Can Summer please just go away already. I’m done with you. Bye Felicia! Continue reading Fall season is finally here and the rantings continue!
Well, here we go again. Off on a biz trip and jet-setting to wonderfully fabulous glitzy Las Vegas! Yeah, I wish. I’m actually sitting on a crowded flight on my way to steamy hot humid Florida to attend a convention and then spend a few days with the parental units. Accompanying us on this plane is the demon child from Hades. I need a stiff drink already.
You know, Florida, the clown car of a state that if the Jerry Springer show had invented it would be a perfect setting for the next Sharnado movie. Heck, I like the cheesy Sharknado movies. The next one should be based in Disney World, and have flying sharks and zombies attacking and eating the tourists. B-list guest stars like Shaq, Snoop Dog, the Olsen Twins, the crew of The Love Boat, and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills all get devoured or help save the day. Even a drunken John Stamos shows up in a cameo to get pulled over with another DUI, and gets swallowed whole by a Great White as he is doing the drunk “walk the line” test. Yet, I kid Florida. I kid. Hey, if not for Florida and Vegas the show COPS would have never existed. That there’s quality programming folks. Continue reading Up in the air at 30,000 feet with a demon child!
As I am sitting here in my favorite coffee shop on the Upper East Side on this cold and blustery NYC morning I’m looking out the window and pondering the sweet mysteries of life. Most notably right now I’m watching the wind blow around the snow flurries that are coming down. Snow! God damn snow! It’s supposed to be Spring dammit! Go away Winter, enough already. I’ll be the first to admit I do like the colder dry air of the winter season but this is getting on my last nerve. All I ask for now is a few days of sunny weather in the 50’s at this point. Is that asking too much? Oh great, now it’s really coming down. It looks like we’re inside a giant snow globe. It’s 33 and snowing out yet there are some idiots walking by wearing shorts. People here are getting so pissed off at the weather they are rebelling. That’s all cool as I’m kind of like that too, but I’m not dumb enough to go out and catch pneumonia. As they saying goes, I might be dumb but I ain’t stupid! Continue reading Snow, Selfies, Fires, Sniffing Glue – Another Week in NYC!