Category Archives: Ewwww

Is That a Human Turd? The Mysteries of NYC Living.

So, I went to meet my gal at Penn Station the other night after she went out to spend the day with relatives and the first thing she says when she sees me?

“Someone took a huge dump on the train platform! Not just one, but three giant piles of turds!”  I laughed, and suggested that maybe it was someone’s dog that pooped there. “Hell no!” she stated. “That was human dukies. No way was that some Pomeranian poop! She was obviously disgusted. Perhaps a bit mortified.

Of course, being the jaded New Yorker that I am I wanted to go down and take pictures of this monster pile of human excrement, but the look she gave me with the side-eye suggested otherwise if I knew what was good for me. Heck, I have enough food porn pics on my cell phone, so why not just add this to my collection? Salad pic. Soup pic. Salmon pic. Dessert pic. Giant turd pic. Fits right in! Continue reading Is That a Human Turd? The Mysteries of NYC Living.

Am I A Weirdo Magnet?

Am I weirdo magnet?

That is a question I ask myself constantly while living in NYC. Well actually, just not here but it seems pretty much everywhere I travel. I just don’t get it. They come out of the woodwork, out of the shadows, out of the dark corners of my mind to confront me in the strangest of ways. Now, I know that living in NYC it’s pretty much weirdo central. From what I have been told only a few spots rival it. Maine for one?

Just the other night it happened to me again. I had nothing much planned so I took my computer downtown to a nice coffee-house that stays open until midnight and offers free WiFi, along with a really tasty iced café mocha I must say. I was minding my own business doing some work on my resume and job hunt. Earbuds in and listening to my tunes. Every once in a while, I looked up and noticed the place was busy but not totally packed. There was a jumble of empty seats spread throughout.  They are basically round tables for two. Of course, as with any coffee joint the tables near outlets are at a premium. WiFi hogs such as myself covet these. I noticed this one dude sitting alone at a table along the windows by one of these. He was not drinking or eating anything. Just sitting there. For an hour. Staring ahead into space. Like one of those creepers you see in a club at the edge of the dance floor holding a beer and leering at the girls dancing. Yes, that guy.

The one you hope does not approach you. Continue reading Am I A Weirdo Magnet?

Moist Balls! I don’t think anybody saw that coming!

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Well, the past few months have been quite a change for me. I don’t think many people saw that coming. Not even myself!

Who the heck would have thought that I would make a major life change such as abstaining from red meats, chicken, pork, and most booze. All the things that give me the warm fuzzies. Well, as for the booze let’s just say I cut back significantly, but ain’t no way I’m giving up a tasty cold brew now and then. Especially with warm swampass weather already hitting NYC.

Oh yeah, what the heck is Mother Nature doing? Not only do we get her bi-polar ass messing with the whole Winter, then screwing up our Spring when it seemed like the ice age was making a comeback, but now she is subjecting us to premature SWAMPASS heat! Sorry, but it’s not supposed to be close to 90 degrees in May! Well, there goes my electric bill. The air conditioning in our apartment has been working overtime already. I like to sleep in comfortable sub-arctic conditions. If I can see my breath in the air while laying in bed I’m a happy boy! Just throw on a comforter and a blanket and wrap yourself in. Boom. Like one giant pink naked “pig in a blanket”. (Damn, I miss eating those.)

No one wants to have moist balls. MOIST BALLS. Yes, MOIST. Yeah, I said it. That WORD. (I know how so many people hate that word.) Good, now you all have the image of my balls being moist in your mind. You’re welcome. Moist. Continue reading Moist Balls! I don’t think anybody saw that coming!

Days like this make you wish you had stayed in bed!

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Why is it that these things always seem to happen to me?

Just recently on the way to work I jumped into a crowded subway car, and of course as is my normal luck, be trapped in an uncomfortable situation. No, not the kind where someone is grinding up against you and getting their jollies. That happens so often here in NYC during rush hour it’s almost part of the daily commute. No, this was actually worse. The guy standing right next to me, almost in my lap actually, smelled like festering day old bologna. No joke. It’s almost as if he had a salami sandwich stuffed into his underwear. Oh yeah, the AC was also not really working in this car.

Then, the worst thing you can hear during a moment like this. “Due to a signal malfunction we are being held here until we get the ok to proceed”.  Oh hell no. Stuck between stations for who knows how long, and with no windows open to let out the stench of rotting deli meat. This subway car was so packed no one could move. Even worse was I think the guy behind me was really grinding against my ass. All I kept thinking was that I was going to walk into work smelling like this bologna guy and my coworkers would want to fumigate the office.

So here I am wedged between a roll of human liverwurst and a giant Chihuahua dry humping my leg. Could this day get any worse? You bet it can! Continue reading Days like this make you wish you had stayed in bed!