Now that I have been back in the gym for a solid month now I can already feel and see the changes to my physique. I have always been a bit of a gym rat and love the feel of the iron, along with a good sweat that only a hard workout can offer. I have been in the gym most every day trainging for the August 3rd Warrior Dash that I am running in for charity, and so far am half way to my donation goal. (http://blog.theregularguynyc.com/?p=3411) With still over a month to go I am hoping to achieve it and also make a good showing running through the course obstacles without breaking any bones!
It’s funny though the things I have seen in the gyms I have been training at lately. I have been on the road for biz and then on vacation so I have trained at four different gyms during this time. Let me tell you the idiots I see at each one and the things they do are universal. The idiocy knows no bounds! Let me extrapoliate for a minute or two here.
The lady who looks like she just got out of the beauty parlor at 6am. How the hell is this possible? Why is your hair perfectly styled and a full face of makeup applied? Why are you doused in perfume? It’s freaking 6AM!!!! I barely rolled out of bed and look like a slug to train this early. Did you get up at 4am to get all dolled up for the gym? Cougar alert!
The guy who has no clue what they are doing. Seriously dude, why are you trying to incline bench twice the weight you can even handle for one rep? The ask me of all people for a spot and expect me to lift 330 pounds off your chest? Your ass and back are three feet arched off the bench, and now my back hurts from pulling the weight off you. Idiot. Wait – what do you mean you want to stay here and spot you for a second set with no rest to see how many reps you can push? You barely did one!!!! Effing moron.
Oh gee, thanks for standing in front of me when you see I am using the mirror to check my form. No that’s ok. I’ll just smack you in the back of the head – with a dumbbell. Are all these numnuts that clueless?
Dude, you stink. No, you really reek. When was the last time you washed your gym gear? You smell like dirty ass and vomit. For the love of jeezus please burn everything you have ever worked out in and start fresh. Some deodorant and body spray would be a good investment.
The annoying person that feels the need to jump on the treadmill right next to yours – when there are twenty empty machines all down the row! It never fails me. I’m like a douche magnet. Also, it’s usually the smelly guy from before, some lady doused in stinky perfume, the person who won’t shaddup, or the asshole who has to do an all-out plodding run the whole thirty minutes they are on it. Kill me now.
The guy that has to ask me a million questions. Now, back in a past life I was a personal trainer, so I do know a thing or two about gym equipment and exercise. Notice I said “past” life. I don’t want to spend half my time there explaining how to use something. See that guy over there in the red shirt that says “trainer” across the front of it? Go bother him. Please. I’m begging you.
The guy singing out loud to the tunes on his ipod. I was out on Long Island last week, or “Lawn Guyland” if you prefer, visiting family and training out there. This guido looking guy with spiked hair and spray on tan was doing shoulder presses on the squat rack while the whole time looking into the mirror and “battle rapping” to himself! During and in-between sets. It was a riot until he all caught us laughing. We got a Situation here!
The dude doing everything wrong, but yelling and screaming during each set and rep like he is a monster or something. Then he gets off the machine all pumped up like he is all bad ass. What is wrong with these guys? They read one issue of Muscle & Fitness and feel like they need to do a Mr Olympia workout. It is kind of funny though when they get stuck under the barbell and scream for help like little girls!
There’s always the self-centered assholes who refuse to re-rack their plates and dumbbells. They are in evey effin’ gym I have ever been in, and it’s usually the moron who puts way too may plates on the bar to do an exercise, then leaves them there so we all can admire thier prowess. Too bad they were doing two inch movements and did nothing with it! Also, if I trip over your piles of dumbbells you left on the floor I will beat you with one!
What is it with the old guys in every gym I go to? No matter what locker room I am in there are a bunch of these old fat or scraggly dudes that love the walk around naked and refuse to even drape a towel around themselves. Then, they always want to stand by you and start converstion. No. No! NOOOOO!!!! Cover up your old gray junk dude! It’s nasty!
Oh, there are many more that I am sure can be thrown down here. These are the tip of the iceberg. What do you see going on in your gym that makes you want to rant like a lunatic?